Letter to Mabel: Does it ever get easier when I think of you?

True enough, special occasions are the hardest. I wish I could still receive your birthday greeting and eat together as a family. I miss you so much I teared to myself at the stroke of midnight, knowing I'll never receive your prompt greetings anymore.

Birthdays used to be happier affairs becos we'd eat out together as a family and I'd enjoy bantering with you. I miss you mei.

Truth is there were happy moments these past few months and I truly thought it'll get easier when it comes to you.

What I've learnt since you left us suddenly 9 months ago:

1) There is a silver lining in your death. You were relieved of your pain and suffering and reunited with God. Clichéd as it sounds but you taught me to treasure the living loved ones on earth.

2) Shifting the mindset to let go of fear and negativity. No point in sweating the small stuff, especially those I've no control over.

3) Value moments, not materialism. I've repeatedly rejected gifts for myself and even Beth becos we have enough. I've invested in photos and experiences becos they'll always be great memories.

4) Health and safety are our most prized possessions, we shouldn't take it for granted.

5) Never be afraid to draw strength from people who care,  you're not quite alone.

6) You won't know how far you've gone until you look back, so keep going.

7) Take your time, you're a work-in-progress.

8) When someone hurt you, they're actually hurting inside.

9) Help others, and you help yourself.

10) There is so much good in this world, keep believing.

Beth keeps me sane and from crumbling everytime I think of you. If not for her, I wouldn't be able to see the flowers from the thorn. I've not kept in touch with any of your friends and even fiancé. I don't know what are their thoughts or how they're coping.

Everyday is a blessing, knowing Elijah is healthy and active, our baby boy, your first nephew, is due to be born in a few month's time. I'm hoping he'll come timely on 25 July, the day you left us. Perhaps...

Thank you for leaving so much great memories behind, I never truly feel too distant even when I can't see, hear or feel you anymore.

I love you.

Till the day we meet xx

Letter to Mabel: Bethany turns two

So tired but can't fall asleep because I miss you so much. You should be there today, celebrating your beloved niece turning two. Instead, you left a void that we could thankfully fill with Beth Beth's (as how you prefer to call her) laughter and pure happiness of being surrounded by her dearest loved ones.

We miss you mei. I told Mummy I miss you and didn't think you'd have joined us today if you were around. Mummy knew otherwise and said with conviction that you would have. And I knew instantly how much Beth means to you.

I really wish you were around a lil longer :'(

Good and happy thoughts :)

Convalescing well from my flu and cough that Beth passed to me. 

Today I'm 20 weeks pregnant - halfway mark. My bump is growing steadily compared to last pregnancy. Time to pace and spread out all the miscellaneous packing and unpacking in preparation for my little Hope.

Wishing my sis is around to support and cheer me on. Missing her lots as always. Even though I still cry when I think about her pain and tear streaked face through words spoken and unspoken in her very last letter to me, I also imagine she's happy and free from suffering and that comforts me greatly.

Sometimes I look up at Heavens and smile, oftentimes I cry. I smile knowing she's happy up there, cry becos I selfishly want her with me. I regretted not treasuring her more when she's alive, not knowing I'd carry this much guilt with me. I sure know she doesn't blame nor want me to feel this way ever. I just can't help it.

I'm trying to be a better daughter, wife and mother. It makes me feel good when my loved ones are well taken care of.

I don't have much worries these days, my prayers consist of good health and stability in my household and our parents'.

I love watching my bump grow :) This life inside me brings great joy and peace and helps neutralise my grief and anger, even hatred. I can't wait to meet you, little newfound Hope. You're so desired in our lives even before you're born :)

CNY 2019

There's a lot to love about Chinese New Year. It's my favouritest holiday. Even as a Christian, Christmas isn't exactly my favourite season. I don't really have a valid reason for the way I feel, I should love Christmas but I don't, I'm in love with the lunar new year.

There, I've said it. It's what makes me uniquely Asian.

What I enjoyed the most about CNY since young is really family time and the effort to put up decorations. The reunion dinners, the late nights with my sis, the visiting to relative's house. The snacks and kuehs and fooood. I love it all.

I truly wish Mabel is still with us. We take our sisterly CNY annual shots and that is what's gonna make me sad this year. Last year, she was sick and didn't attend visiting and that's how we missed out on one year, not knowing it'd be her last. I still can't get over this fact.

My in-laws invited my parents for reunion dinner this year because of the circumstances; my sister is no longer around, Alina my SIL will be at her husband's side starting from this year. I was so touched and pleased with how everything turned out.

FIL's cooking was superb. It was very enjoyable eating together with both parents.

I was so proud of my mum for having no qualms mentioning my sis in casual conversations. This is what I advocate for not only as a coping mechanism to help us move on but also to keep her memories alive and not forgotten. She's doing it naturally on her own. Well done, Mummy! :)

Loved every dish! Very yummy, satisfying and delightful! I prefer this home cooked style to steamboat. My sis loves steamboat, especially fish. My mum joked she'd buy a lot of fish for steamboat and my sis would clear it no matter how much she bought.

I really miss my sis. Even so, I do still look forward to visiting all our relatives later on. CNY really do make me happy and I'm glad it does :)

A letter to Mabel: Aloysius Pang

Mei, if you're still around to witness this, you'll be shocked and saddened by news of Aloysius Pang's death. He's only 28. I like him.

I cried when news of his death broke. I expected him to pull through, he's young and healthy. In the end, his internal injuries were too much for his young body to bear.

When I said I cried, I was actually grieving and mourning his loss. I don't even know him except on TV but I felt his loss so deeply.

I started to miss you so much. His death triggered me emotionally and I couldn't stop moping. I wish you were still here with us on this family staycation which you were always supposed to be a part of.

For the first time in a long while after you died, I was actually happy from within. Until I accidentally called out your name infront of Mummy, Nick & Beth like I was addressing you to do something for me. It felt so natural calling your name that everyone was shocked, especially me. For a split second, I really thought I was crazy. I knew you weren't around anymore, I wasn't delusional. It was a Freudian slip, not sure if it was my first but definitely unusual.

Mummy confessed she still calls you by mistake when she's addressing Papa. It's even harder for her after living together with you for 33 years.

Off topic, I bought this hello kitty beach towel for Beth, I just wanted her to get acquainted with your favourite cartoon character even though I'm not much of a cartoon fan.

Isn't she cute beyond words? I knew you'd approve :)

I'm afraid, mei. Beth is growing very quickly and I don't want her to forget you. It's hard for me to talk about you without sadness but I try to remind her of her awesome yiyi whenever I can. There are a few framed pictures of you and Beth, I hope she'll never forget you even if she has few memories.

Back to Aloysius, Mummy told me she feels heartache for his family. The whole nation is grieving over his irreplaceable loss, as a Parent, Sibling, Friend and Loved ones. It has impacted Singapore so greatly, almost in likeness to the time we mourned heart-wrenchingly for LKY.

A young life gone too soon, leaving behind unfulfilled wishes and unfinished business, just like you mei. I know he's in a good place now, and I hope you meet him in heaven :)

Till we meet again mei xx

New Year, Same Old Me

I've officially given up my Prudential license. Ever since my sister's passing, I've been unable to focus on work. It's been rough. I'm taking this time to be a stay home mum, to focus on family and self.

I realised it's just what I needed.

My mum has been sending me photos of my sister. Missing her so much now with CNY around the corner. Have I mentioned how much I love CNY? I am really feeling the loss this time, in my favourite season without my favourite being.

My mum has been coming over more often to play with Beth and I love having her around. Having my mum around makes me happy. She's the best.

Wordsmith

Letter to Mabel: Ending 2018

Leaving 2018 means leaving the year you still existed. I wasn't afraid of losing you, until I lost you. And now I'm afraid to step out of this year because facing 2019 will be the hardest thing to do.

It is so easy to wallow in self pity, so tempting. I struggled to celebrate Christmas, and now I'm struggling to celebrate New Year. I am still mourning and struggling to enjoy this long drawn festive season. No I am not punishing myself, I am just trying to grieve without letting it overwhelm me, taking note not to embrace this sadness for too long at a time.

You know, Pamela & Alfred's mum just passed away very recently due to cancer. Her niche is just a few rows below yours. I feel so much for them even though I was never close to their mum. Do you know 小姑姑 is only in her mid fifties? Another death in the Wannies this year, one too many.

30 December - I am exactly ten weeks along today, and it is also Beth's 21 months milestone. Just thought you'd like to know :)

My heart still aches, not so much for Mummy as I'm sure she is aching in her own way. I am learning to own my grieving, so I can learn to let go eventually. Grieving on behalf of Mummy has been very draining. So many times, I subconsciously grieved because I feel for Mummy for losing her most beloved daughter, she loved you so much I'm sure you know.

Carrying this sadness around is new to me, I never knew this much sadness until you were gone. Yet I also learnt more wonderful things about you in death than when you were around in person. Posthumous much?

I always knew you loved and respected me through your actions, but I didn't know you'd proudly tell all your friends about it.

I always knew you were kind and helpful, but I didn't know you've touched so many people's lives.

I always knew you were unhappy and self critical, but I didn't know despite your unhappiness, you brought so much laughter and sunshine into other people's lives that many were just in disbelief you suffered from depression.

I always believed in you. You were smart, beautiful, kind and loving. I wished depression hasn't taken you first.

In reality, my mind still talks to you, my heart still looks for you but my soul knows that you're at peace.

So be at peace my little sister ❤️

Till the day we meet again xx

Memorial necklace & Bird's nest ❤️

This means a lot to me :') Thank you my loves.

Very special memorial pendant engraved with my sister's and my initials M.W. both ways :') I love it

Shortly after the girls left, I ordered my dinner online and within minutes there was a very hurried and urgent knock on my door. I knew it couldn't be dinner because it was too fast. When I took it from the deliveryman, it was hot and heavy for a small parcel. I knew it was food.

Thank you hpy for the thoughtful gesture, my mum who happened to see it was equally touched. I know you meant to pamper me, and I loved it. Thought of my sis too because this is her absolute favourite.

You guys are my bestest friends from secondary school and have seen me at my worst. There is nothing more I need to say to express my thanks and love, because I've said it all :)

You, and many of my good good friends have been standing by my side all these while, silently supporting and cheering me. 

Losing someone is always hard. But you guys made it much better to bear with your big big hearts and generosity towards me :') 

I've since lost my lustre and shine because a part of me feels lost and lonely despite having the warmth and love of family and friends. It's so hard to admit but I know it to be true. I took it out on Nick a lot because I no longer care about his feelings (because I'm hurting a lot). It's not that I don't love him. On the contrary, I love him and want him to be there for me. I have lesser forbearance towards Nick and when he pisses me off unnecessarily, I rage. I treat him like a kid and just have a go at him. I don't put up with him like I used to because I no longer have capacity. My tank feels drained and void.

Therapy was necessary for us because he wasn't able to support me in my grief; he was insensitive and hurtful. We have to protect our marriage from all these rush of raw and exposed emotions that were new to us, and I must say he's doing very well in being a good listener and understands my grief in a way that makes me feel understood and safe when I talk about it (and I do it a lot).

Nick is an awesome husband and father but we have our disagreements that are just difficult to resolve because we're equally stubborn. A character trait so ingrained we find hard to change.

If we were to rely on our own strengths to keep our marriage intact, we'd have failed. God has always been keeping and protecting our marriage. I turn to Him in good and bad times. But I honestly found it much harder to turn to Him in the latter. Sorrow just doesn't want companion.

I just can't.

As I drone on and on, Christmas is already upon us. How bittersweet, the first of many difficult holidays to celebrate without my little sister around.

Hope

Found myself back in the comfort spot of my kitchen, nursing a nauseous gig. A spot that holds many memories as I sat here night after night yearning for my dear dead sister. This pregnancy is harder than I thought.

I misses her calls to check on my pregnancy, hear my rants and being my supportive sister.

I had dreaded this moment when I am at my most vulnerable (being pregnant), yet having to calm my emotions so it won't affect my pregnancy. I already knew this would be the toughest part of my journey. I have no solution, only willpower and self control.

I pray for God to heal my broken heart as I become the ideal nesting place for my little hope baby.

I nicknamed our baby Hope, which is what s/he is :)

Having my EDD around my sister's death anniversary seems to bring hope. I am still resentful at the events surrounding her death and will probably take a very long time, if ever to reconcile with some people, especially myself.

Right now, I just need to take one step at a time and watch where I place my next footing.

I know before long, I'll have my hope in my arms and it'll take away some of the pain.

Mei, how I wish Heaven had a phone 

so I can hear your voice one more time.

My heart hurts alot today

Depressed and hormonal

Feeling extra hormonal today. Attended our 6th therapy session and felt regression in our marriage - don't get me wrong, we're seeking therapy to strengthen our marriage, not because there's any serious undercurrent going on.

I feel super lousy today. Thought of my sis while walking the exact path when I first received the dreaded news and just felt so horribly emotional and heavy hearted. I just couldn't stop thinking of her as I retraced the steps that I needed to take to get to my destination. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we lost her and I couldn't snap out of it. I had no choice but to keep walking anyway, whether I liked it or not. It was a tough journey.

Even though I just came back from a holiday, I found myself longing for another one. Just need to get away from home, from Nick, from everyone who doesn't understand me.

Alina was very sweet. She countered my prickly attitude with nothing but kindness. I felt less lousy because of her. Love her so much for it. Had to apologise for my bad manners earlier.

Today, my counsellor addressed Nick, "If Michelle is not hormonal, she wouldn't be Michelle, right?" Nick responded with "What's my excuse?" I have no words. I felt even lousier when he said that. As if I asked to be thrust into a sea of hormones and emerge with raging temper. I did not.

Our counsellor also reminded us. "God made us all wonderfully so why would we change what God has made so perfectly." Switched my perspective totally. I was once riveted on changing and improving, even bettering myself for Nick and my family. But if I could have upgraded myself to Michelle Version 2, it would already have happened. I did put in ALOT of effort. It was not easy.

I have no directions for our next step because the goalpost Nick sets for me keep shifting anyway. With all that I'm feeling, I just want to hole up until I'm myself again. I feel so drained I don't even have the energy to cry, even though my heart is leaking tears for my eyes.

Just the other day, I was out with my mum and asked her "Mummy have you ever felt like taking your own life when you were younger for all the hardship you went through?". What she told me next made me sick to my stomach, "Never, because I couldn't let my loved ones live with the pain." It spoke so much volume I couldn't think of a cohesive response.

My mum had a tough childhood as she often felt unloved and unwanted, being adopted at a mere few weeks old. When I was growing up, I recall seeing this worn out tattoo on her body. When I was old enough to understand what it meant, it read: Nobody's child. It was a sad reminder of her childhood. She later covered it up with another tattoo. Despite her positivity today, I knew she wasn't always a happy person. My mum is an amazing and incredible human being. She is my role model.

I have a lot of solemn thoughts tonight, I don't really know where they're coming from as I've never felt such intense feelings before. Just going along with my train of thoughts and penning it down as it goes.

Beth is very much my focus right now, and her toddler years are getting rougher. Being her main caregiver, I face a lot of stress, particularly from Nick whom I've always felt is very critical of what I do and ask a lot of tough and unnecessary questions that doesn't help me at all. E.g. He'd ask me about alternative situations that didn't happen on the pretext of 'making me think about contingency', but I find it redundant and it stresses me out when my answer is not up to his expectations or when I fail to grasp what he's thinking. I can totally think on my own two feet so his questions show a lack of trust and faith in my ability. He, being who he is, I take it in my stride most of the time. I try not to take it personally and is quick to forgive and forget, but all these is taking a toll on me. Because it's very much one sided and the same grace is not extended to me at all. I feel like I'm just giving and giving, and not receiving.

Of course, this is only one side of the coin. I'm sure he'll have a different account of the same story. My intention is to log my thoughts, whether good or bad, so I can look back and see how far I (or we) have come.

I bother, thus I reflect. That is all.

Letter to Mabel: Vinz is back

Terrible indigestion after a fun evening with my sis- and brother-in-law rendered me sleepless.

While surfing social media, I saw Mabel's best friends going on (separate) holidays and felt a pang of sadness. She will never get to go on another holiday again. I miss her look of excitement whenever she goes on holidays. I miss her so much it hurts so bad. My dad once said Mabel has gone on a long holiday this time. Maybe that's his coping mechanism. I call it for what it is - she's gone, dead, died, passed away. 

Christmas is creeping closer but I'm not really looking forward to it at all. Call me a downer but I'm just not feeling it. How can I ever be happy when I've lost my sister? - is what I feel like cry-saying it out loud. I'm wretched through and through. Even my amazing mum is excited that Christmas is around the corner. Maybe she's onto something that I don't, maybe she's way ahead of me in the game. Maybe because it's her birthday on boxing day. My mum is just awesome.

::

Mei, I've reconciled with Vinz. Do you know he's in a bad place too? Yet he bravely came forward and allowed healing to take place. Sometimes I wish you were healed while on earth. I miss you so much.

Vinz was real sweet - he got himself tattooed as a remembrance on the day you were laid to rest at Mandai, a picture of Little Prince who has significant meaning to him.

For this little prince lives in a planet on his own but has friends from other planets. Even though you've left us, he believe you're on a 'planet' (that I call it Heaven), and will make many wonderful friends who loves you. I know you'll be touched by his gesture when you look down from heaven to see how we're doing.

I strongly believe you're truly happy up there, even though I've no proof. I just know it mei. I'm comforted knowing you are happy. You're finally in good hands :) Jie loves you so so much, always will and forevermore.

Till we meet again k 💋

:)

Haven't felt this much happiness and joy in a long time. Feels like a huge rock is lifted off my chest and I can breathe again.

Too many good news lately, I'm in high spirits!

Thank you Jesus 🙌🏻

Heavy hearted

I cried today. It was a heart wrenching sob with snot and contorted features. It was because of something a dear old friend sent.

The sadness reaches deep into my soul and Beth comforted me again, patting me and giving me little kisses.

I'll never ever take anything for granted, ever again.

Life would not be the same without you. I miss you too much. Please be well soon, it'll be my honour to be part of your healing journey.

Love
Hpy Mitch

A timely text from dear old HPY

Today, you texted me out of the blue and came clean with why you left our friendship in the beginning. It was the second time you left and I thought I had lost you for good.

This time, I really wanna be there for you, if you let me. I know you need time, and I know better than to push you.

Patience is my virtue since becoming a mum. I'll wait patiently to hug it out, to fill you in on all the happenings and provide you your support structure, if you let me.

I was missing Mabel badly when you texted. Perfect timing, I thought.

I miss you so much, I just want you back.

XX love,
Hpy Mitch

Letter to Mabel: Beth, holidays and fave food

Missing you for the nth time today and everyday. Sometimes I wonder why did it have to happen to us. I resent the fact that you are truly gone and cannot even began to fathom what Mummy must be feeling everyday, especially in the mornings and evenings when you'd usually be around to greet and bid her goodbye or welcome her home.

If only you knew how badly we miss you.

Beth is such a lovely cutie these days. I really wish - and I'll never stop wishing - you're around to witness it. I guarantee you'll melt into a puddle just watching her becoming more social and independent.

Our family group chat has not seen much action lately because I chose not to post anything there. You're numerically still in the group chat and thus our replies will never achieve any blueticks anymore. It's a sad sad shell of its former glory where we posted many pictures and discussion. I miss your replies mei. What I'd give to have you back.

We just came back from BKK and unbeknownst to me, Thomas remembered I wanted to eat the food you used to like, and insisted we go Chinatown. I wouldn't have known if Sheena hadn't confided in me privately. I was very touched. We had your favourite bird's nest and braised pork knuckle. The bird's nest we had were of good quality and I got one for Mummy, because that's what you'd have done, always keeping the best for her. I wondered if you had the better ones or the less fancy ones at roadside stalls. I knew you'd enjoy the bowl of yummy bird's nest we had. Thomas even ordered one of the more premium one for us to share. He is such a sweet guy. Pity you guys never got to meet as he wasn't able to attend our wedding party at Loof.

Do you eat your bird's nest with eggs and honey? It is so good! We felt so indulgent.

We had your favourite wanton mee and braised pork too. I'm happy to have tasted what you had and really liked it :')

I miss Australia so much and honestly believe you'd have liked it too. The food, the weather and the lifestyle would suit your preferences I think.

I miss our cruise trip and it wouldn't be the same without you if I go again with mummy on our next family holiday.

What really made you do it mei. What drove you to such ultimatum that you couldn't even confide in me before your final moments. Why didn't you let me help you one more time, just like before. But I do know why, yet I cannot imagine the extent of your pain and suffering. New ideas and thoughts form in my mind over time, a clearer view of the whole picture. I think I know the real reason and intention. It's so scary to admit to myself sometimes, I don't want to entertain whatifs and whatnots. There are so much secrets that you literally carried to your grave and I only have an inkling of your motive.

Nevertheless, I honour and treasure our times together. I'll always remember my beautiful and kindhearted sister fondly. I love you mei.

My sister, my love

I think I'm at the stage where I cry over everything and very randomly too. I get very bad mood swings this time round. It's rare I get such major mood disorders around my period.

I've lashed out at everyone around me and it wasn't normal behaviour. I felt it coming and I couldn't stop it.

I would walk from living room to kitchen and just stop dead in my tracks to sob heart wrenching uncontrollable tears of sorrow. Beth would run to me and huddle around my legs hugging my thighs and pulling me down to cuddle and shower me with cute kisses while saying "ohhh". Her version of "aww". Afterwards I'd stretch out my hands to ask her for a big big hug and kisses which she dispenses generously.

I went back to my parents' place on Sunday and couldn't bear to be in the house. It drove me a bit nuts to stay there for too long. I really respect my mum so much for her strength and courage to live on in spite of mei mei's demise in the house. At the same time, I really feel so so bad for her. I wish she would stay with me so I can take care of her.

I miss my sis so much and found it hard to believe she's gone. I yearn for our sisterly chats and bonding over good food and holiday trips. I miss how she's always so sweet to me, yet I didn't show her enough how much she means to me. I regret being nasty to her, I regret calling her names. I wished I had been a better elder sister to her, instead of having her act like the bigger sis she wasn't supposed to be. I wished she knew how precious she was to us.

Depression really sucked. I wished I had done more. I do blame myself sometimes, even though I understand it was her decision. I wished I was there for her more. I can't believe she's gone just like that. It's getting harder to bear. The loss is simply too much, too great.

While I know it's fine to be not okay, this feeling is just awful. Knowing I can't do anything to reverse the process kills me.

I realised the same scene kept haunting me day and night. The same phonecall, same panicked tone over the phone, the venue I was at when I received the call, the heaviness in my stomach when I heard the news, the words uttered from my mouth "Is she still breathing?", the reply on the other line...

It kills me. It kills me to know I won't be spending any more festivities with her. No more CNY hand holding sister shots. It was a tradition that I loved. No more gluttony meals with her, salivating over her delicious Japanese food, a favourite of hers.

I miss our tete-a-tetes. Who else can I confide in now? I wished I had shown her more love. I genuinely miss her so so much.

She is my Wan & only best sister act I could ever ask for and I miss her every single day.

Mummy style

Beth makes me so happy that I don't remember what life was like before her. It took me awhile to remember we had a life before Beth was born, and that life was pretty good but never as good as the one with her.

I just threw out a bunch of clothes because they aren't breastfeeding friendly. I trashed all my thongs because I prefer my cotton undies. Bagged a whole lot of old shoes that isn't my style anymore. Comfort is my new friend.

I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be - comfortable in my own skin and unapologetically Mummy style.

Letter to Mabel: Beth's milestones

I miss you mei. How I wish you can witness the milestones of 'Beth Beth', the way you've always endearingly called her. I miss it so much. 

She is so full of expressions now and I honestly think she's gonna be your best first niece. She was barely 16 months when you were gone. Watching her grow livelier and more communicative everyday makes me miss you too much. It's a bittersweet feeling not having you here marvelling her milestones together. Mummy was ultra delighted when she spoke her first words with her recently, "don't put" she exclaimed when Mummy stashed her toys away. We were all amazed when she recounted it to us.

I attended the wake of Manda's grandma today. I thought of our beloved Ah ma and of course, you too. I never thought this is how our lives would turn out, with you gone too soon.

I've never stopped thinking of you. I didn't know what grief felt like until now. My heart hurts more often these days. Seems like I'm at the next stage of grief but I can't identify it anymore, even if I try. It's a blur between the lines.

I'm not a big fan of hello kitty but because you are, I bought Beth her first hello kitty - hooded beach towel. You would approve :) I could see your eyes light up at the very thought of it. Her cuteness would make you squeal in delight for sure.

It gets harder every day without you. But we get stronger every day too. Knowing you're safe in Jesus' arms gives me alot of comfort.

Family wise, Nick and I are planning for four children. But who knows what God's plans are. We'll take anything we can :)

Mummy misses you everyday, and I feel so much for her. You were so close to her that if not for Beth, she confessed she don't know if she could have found the will to live on. She's also braver and stronger than I imagine. Losing you made us treasure each other even more, and help our relationship grow even deeper than ever before. I'm also trying to fill your (big) shoes, giving her the same kind of care and fillial piety you'd have given her yourself.

I haven't been in contact with Ronald much but he's still very fillial to Mummy. He bought her favourite kueh lapis for mooncake season knowing I'd definitely buy mooncake for her. I miss how much you dig raffles hotel champagne truffle snowskin and wish I could buy for you again every year.

I'm so thankful for all the memories we had together mei :,)

I customised a canvas family portrait from our last photoshoot with Beth and I'm so so very glad we had that wonderful memory to fall back on :) I've gifted it to Mummy who chose the photo herself, she's super super excited about it. She told me you have a lovely dimpled smile :) I agree.

I've been doing charity and donation on your behalf because you've such a good heart like that. I knew it's something you would have done. It makes me feel good too, helping someone in need. I just want you to be proud of us when you look down from heaven, knowing we are leading meaningful lives xx