Manifesting chill passive nurturing

Parenting is an art and science, much like the metamorphosis of life. So many versions to adopt from and constantly learning something different, chucking ideas aside when it didn't work, and exploring new plans. 

Hard work fo'sure but super rewarding when everything lines up.

I'm working on my reaction, less is more.

Click here for the inspirational Instagram post to hear their captured exchanges.

This dyad was gathering flowers to show dad when the vase holding the flowers slipped from her but she caught the flowers by a stroke of luck.

The mum's reaction was super cool.
Yeah it happens indeed.

I have watched videos of this nature multiple times and it's very inspiring. Growing up I've never quite gotten into trouble for accidents like these. My mum doesn't shout or yell but she'll low key stew and chastised my clumsiness or mistakes, while fixing it, eventually softening up amidst my sorrys and telling me to be more careful next time. As a young child, I was fully impacted by her mild reaction as I expected to be scolded and more. I want to go one step further and embrace accidents with grace and love. I can tell you it's not easy as I am mostly reactive, not passive by any means.

But I want my kids to know they can make mistakes and I'll still love them. 

Flower girl x Page boy with ADHD

Note: This is a backdated post, writing from the future as I had wanted to chronicle this but December 2023 was unkind and I didn't have much energy or health to post this. I fell sick for a month straight and recently came out of the woods on 1 January 2024. 

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Bethany and Elijah were 6 and 4 year old when they pulled off two back to back stints of wedding duties within a month of each other. First at my baby cousin's and the latest at Nick's maternal relatives.

The first wedding was before I found out Elijah has ADHD and he was overwhelmed and overstimulated. The second was after I found out he has ADHD and I could put in all the strategic work to help him ease into it. 

The difference between the two weddings were our level of exhaustion versus the impact on him post wedding. When we were aware of what we were dealing with, it was so much easier to manage and he was calmer and less antsy immediately after the event.

We love our son and his ADHD, it was very apparent to me he wasn't like the others. He was always faster, stronger, more intense and jam packed with higher energy than any one I know. At the same time, he has an even temperament, hardly any meltdowns, slow to anger and quick to recover. I read up on books by Marko Juant and found out he is Hyposensitive. This means my little sensory seeker has under-receiving receptors and needed more sensory input to feel the same as what a neurotypical peer feels. That sensory seeking spark in him is emerging as fearlessness and adventurous. The dots are finally connecting.

We also found out he does well in school (he loves it) as it has structure and routine, key components to his ADHD development. His teachers are mostly really awesome.

It's too surreal to be a vivacious boy mum after being a gentle girl mum, to speak out against stereotype that boys are rough and girls are not, but that he has neurological imbalances, and his symptoms will evolve as he grow.

Bethany is such a sweet advocate for her brother, she knows about impulse control and everyone has them but some does it better and having awareness can lead to grace for others and self in our response and behaviour. She makes me so proud to be her mum. As does Elijah. I'm so glad they have each other.

At the first wedding, he was unhinged with Bethany trying to hold him back.

The second wedding, he was more subdued as he hid behind Bethany when they walked in so he'll receive less stares. This is him trying to control his urge to run away and Bethany became his solid shield.

I've given up on "eyes at the camera Elijah". I'll take any photos with his silhouette in it and consider it an acceptable family shot. He has his moments but we and the kids will be alright.

Mother's Day: Bittersweet

Not many knew this about Mabel. Just a few months before she died, she was planning to be a mother after getting married. She was engaged, her house was coming. She was very interested in what breastfeeding entails having watched me up close and personal. It pained me to say this next but... She was very very excited regarding her up and coming new life. I was very happy for her.

Every Mother's Day, I keep feeling something is coming up short and today I realised I am still traumatised over her premature death. 

Mabel wanted to be a mother. She was ready. She had experience with mine and her friend's children. It was the first time she had openly discussed motherhood with me. It is hard to accept she is gone, her hopes and dreams dashed. Along with my heart.

Transition

For a long time now, I've been burnt out beyond repair. Parenting two kids without any help is the most insanely challenging gig I've ever done (should put that in my résumé). Seriously, where is my village? FYI, I don't have one.

I don't have breaks. I'm on call 24/7, Mon-Sun. For five years. I'm tired and snappy and mum raging at both kids. It's not fair (to me). I may never want additional kids again (barring accidents). I did console myself with this phrase: It's just a phase.

This phase has been going on for too long. My body and mind are in ruins. Although I prayed constantly for patience and strength but it never came. Later on I realised why. Running on poor quality sleep with default state being exhaustion, honestly have caused me to be super sluggish. I simply don't have the bandwidth to have patience nor strength. I was maxed out.

A month ago I was listening to a sermon in the car with Nick. It was about marriage. Something clicked in me and I knew immediately what I needed to do: Change my prayer request. I started praying for rest fervently. Specifically, time to rest.

Fast forward 1 to 2 weeks, Nick received an email from the Childcare Centre below, across the pavillion from our place, asking if we'd like to enroll Elijah in their school. We registered our interest one year ago (and forgot about it may I add) and they finally have a spot for us! The rest is history, really. 

I'm so happy to announce our dear Elijah has settled in very well (it's his first week but I'll take it haha). I'm happy to be away from him during the day to replenish my cup before receiving and nurturing him again as the day ends. It's the biggest transition for both of us and a welcomed one. Respite, reprieve, reset. I'm smiling as I type this. 

It's only been a week but I already felt the difference in his energy and overall demeanour when I have him back in the evening. All that excess energy I wasn't able to handle by myself before, channelled into social, connection, movement, and more, in a new environment that he likes (I asked). He is such an active boy that this mama here cannot keep up. I literally died trying. 🥲

I just want to put it out there that without God's grace, I really wouldn't be able to plough through those super hard and dark times (lots of doubts). He really pushed me to my limit though, right till my last straw. God has a weird sense of humour, doesn't he?

Pictures!

More energy to love him back now!

And more time for activities with Bethany too.
This is a major plus!

I even have time to attend a course on detoxing

Too many things I want to accomplish but taking it slow for now. So grateful to be able to reclaim my time and energy for other things! 😪

This hits hard aka Why I chose to be SAHM

I chose to quit my job back then and be a stay home mum because I wasn't getting support from Nick on the workfront.

He literally gave me the ultimatum one day while I was in the backseat of the car tending to young Bethany: Work or Family. He felt I dedicated 'too much time' to work. It wasn't true. I did my bare minimum and if that was too much for him, I know I will never have it all without his support. There and then I knew my decision was to leave my amazing job. There wasn't even a discussion, he just wasn't having it. If I want my job, I had to do it his way. 

That'd be a no from me. Why try so hard when I knew his stand? It's not a hill to die on. My daughter just turned 18 months old and I wanted to spend more time nurturing her and honing this parenting life. Plus, there was another baby in my womb. Her baby brother.

At that time, I also lost my sister to depression and it took every ounce of my energy to not spiral downwards. I really did not need that deal from him.

It was a spiteful and hasty decision; he can have the pleasure of working out our finances after I quit. He was stunned when I bluntly told him my letter of resignation was accepted. I could see the gears turning in his brain. Now he knows where my heart lies: Work never preceded family. It was a good decision in my mind.

But I was resentful. Still am sometimes. I resented him for not being more supportive and understanding. I resented his unforgiving expectations of me. I resented he didn't think it through before opening his mouth. However, I did not regret my decision. It was a choice I made that I knew I can't reverse (I gave up my insurance licence and therefore clientele base). I didn't fight for me, I chose to invest in us.

Coming across this IG post late at night while the kids are sleeping, it unravelled my being.

Even so, I've never regretted my decision to leave my job and be the sole caregiver to my two children. It's a privileged role I'm proud of. I choose God and family over everything else.

Mum life is not rosy. I did get to speak up eventually about leaving my job and we both made peace with that.

This is just one of those stuck between a rock and a hard place decision I had an easy way to overcome: Watch sleeping children sleep. It makes everything right again. They're truly angels when they're asleep. Haha. 

Peace time is sleep time

Chill mom

After battling stomach flu the whole of last week as a family - started with Elijah and ended with Bethany; Nick and I were not spared either. It finally culminated yesterday that I was so overcome by exhaustion, I hadn't known what rest felt like in ages.

Today, or rather right now, after watching an online sermon, and maybe it has to do with my mentrual cycle (Day 15), I feel relaxed, calm and serene. Pure bliss. Elijah is napping, Beth in school. 25° weather. A cup of hot Darjeeling and snacks. I haven't felt this great since my last depressive episode. This calls for a post 🎉.

And a dash of milk always makes delicious Darjeeling.

Weird sleeping habit

Roused from my sleep with sweat on my back. And so the coughing fit starts. It has been like this for the past few days. Never a good night's rest. The fever came back again when I was at work on Monday. It wouldn't have felt so bad if the medicine actually work.

Seen 3 doctors over the week and got new or re-prescription but still no progress. Wow. It must be one kind of resilient virus. 

Sick health aside. I'm going to KL for ASOT in March! It's been a long awaited trip. Still with the same group I went with to Melaka for Freedom years ago. Which was a blast. 

Should probably update that I just did Root Canal Treatment over CNY. Worst decision ever. I'd show you pictures but it's not a pretty sight. 

Never again. I can't warn my friends and family enough about this. Not worth the pain and trouble to end up with having a dead tooth in your mouth. Pain is probably the only thing you'll take away from the therapy and nothing else. 

It's expensive ($2000+), super troublesome (3 rounds of RCT plus 2 rounds of crowning), and you still need to care for it like you would your other teeth despite it being a dead tooth (meaning you can't feel pain). And you basically pray that you take such good care of it, it won't decay (yes it can) in the near future so that you don't have to PLUCK IT OUT. Yes, eventually. See how it's not worth the trouble?

Its already 6am. I should try going back to sleep. 

Freedom

I tried to look into the eyes of a man who wants his freedom. Someone who's protective of his space. How can we share a future together? Did I get it all wrong?

On a positive note, today marks the beginning of a brand new journey. Somewhere I wanna be for a while. Farewells are emotional but they're also necessary for future growth. I'll miss my co workers. They've been a great bunch of people to be around. Here's to a good break. 

Hairy update

It's getting a lil quiet over here ain't it? In case my memory fails me, I'll pen a little update for the sake of sanity.

Was looking through old photos before the era of Nick and thought "Hey look at that chick having fun and all, what a social life. She looked so carefree"

And fast forward a couple of years later I still thought she looked the same, only better. I must add that the albums have grown exponentially. All 60 of them. I counted. 

Something that struck me was how different I looked with long hair. Sure I may look slightly more feminine but something was lacking. I feel I didn't look as pretty. I wished I have better quality hair but that's not to say I don't appreciate my natural wave and roughness. It hold certain styles very well. What I'm trying to say is that, long hair isn't for me. Period. I don't know if I'm going to regret saying this but I don't think I'm ever going to keep long hair. 

Until then, I'll just keep experimenting while I still can. 

Life is good when you know what you want. 

An old photo of me with rapunzel like hair.

A note on love

Came across this quote which I think describes how I feel towards the one I love.

I confess I don't know much about my boyfriend at all. I think I do but honestly I don't. At least not fully well. It's fascinating to know about his thoughts on different days because they do evolve and aren't always the same.

I don't think it's possible to know someone entirely because change is constant. Therefore it fascinates me to find out more about the one I love. Most importantly, not to be complacent. :)

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"We know the least about those we love the most." - Baci chocolate quote

The pretty nice stuff in retrospect

For a day, my account was hacked and blogs mysteriously disappeared. Mega thanks to Sheena's panic alert, I managed to restore everything to its former glory. Thank God for security system and dear Sheena's urgent notification that I couldn't ignore.

Couldn't say the events of 2011 has fully sunk in for me. Everything is still as it was. And workload gets heavier after the integration of every campaign. I hate to be the last to leave the office every night. It's not my resolution for the year! Every work rat sure has its day. Twenty-four hours to get things done, and still be semi sane the next day. What an art.

On the home front, I just acquired a fancy new bed that I've saved up for and am refurbishing parts of the house. I have bundled up mountains of unwanted shoes and clothes to make space for new ones. It's super freaking therapeutic and zen like to describe the least.

Most recently, I'm starting to eat healthily again thanks to the boyfriend's influence. More greens, sans fried fatty bits. Though he'll surely beg to differ when I'm still stuffing my face with sugar treats! I've not paid my dues for all the indulgent feasts to either take to the gym or hit the road for a run. I'm frequently either preoccupied with work or downright exhausted from it. Whatever distance I cover from walking, my glutes, calves and thigh begin to hurt. In short, I'm in morbid danger of becoming a sloth. So I took up lunch time yoga with a colleague. Great decision. Boy, it was all that I needed really.

Mentally, I feel pretty good about myself - a state of equilibrium from being surrounded by great friends, a loving family, amazing colleagues and a perfect boyfriend who doesn't overindulge your odd whims and fancies.

The social circle I am close with are still the same people from my younger days. Many of us has made serious plans to get into long term relationship or to create a family unit. Some, like me, has made commitments to The One - for me, this part is the most amazing process.

30 minutes into penning this, I realized the need to self dedicate this post as a back patting morale booster. Personally, I felt I had made the most out of what was given and turn it into something I'd be proud to add to the list in years to come.

In my life, I've met many great people and some mean ones. Some of them weaved gold thread in the fabric of my life and some weaved burlap. Yet, all of these people added colours to my years making it possible to share interesting stories on and offline. I am deeply humbled and grateful for all the kind support and wise words bestowed by friends and people from all walks of life.

For the most part, I've been very guilty of social neglection, extremely selfish in my pursuit of perfection, uninterested in charitable matters and the unglamourous list goes on. I'm probably not going to change much over the next few years. What truly touches me is having people still love me for me.

What exactly am I known for?

Maybe the tough tenacity to bounce back to form again and again.

And yes, a sucker for sentimental thoughts and thus this post. :)

More importantly, this post is for you my dearest faithful friends and gorgeous boyfriend. :)

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Such a good feeling to let it out! Basically, this entry has evolved from a form of destress to one of faith, optimism and love. Thanks for making me feel better through your lasting friendship and support. Quite possibly, a little bit of tough love as well. :)

In loving memory of 2010

The year is closing in a couple more days. I half wished for this year to be over so I can quickly embrace the next one as a woman with grand plans.

Paying a special tribute to 2010 as the year I met my Mr. Perfect, during a time when I was convinced perfect was an elusive term.

This year is quite something. There were hits and misses in equal parts. I have gained and lost someone close to my heart.

There will never be a good time to let someone know how much you love them so this year is a great reminder. I am done grieving.

And just because I am feeling extra morbid tonight, I wish my loved ones will celebrate the life I had led and not the ones I have lost, when the time comes. 

Ever a great man, always a great uncle. Of all the wonderful memories you have left behind, you have touched my life as you have others. I have learned to embrace life as you have. You will always be missed, Uncle Ben.

The source

I was sifting through some stationeries in the drawer last night and stumbled upon the red box.

It was a forgotten piece. I remember it used to contain old passport photos and stamps. I lifted the lid and let out a small gasp.

I held some of the old photos in my hand and admired them.

It was so obsolete. I travelled through time.

A knowing smile escaped my lips.

The source of my past happiness and sadness, all in a little red parcel.

Life's little ironies seems to make life itself more beautiful.

Sometimes you just don't wanna be alone

Yet, sometimes you just...have to.

It's the way of life.

Weekend's coming! Stay sane y'all! :)

Second chances

Once, I asked N over dinner if he believes in doling second chances. I was met with politically correct answers when he said "Sometimes" and "depending".

Does that mean the lucky person who gets a second chance gets to waste his first chance?

I am perhaps one such person who, if you gained favour and trust, throws caution to the wind and even believe in third chances. If such liberty should even exist...

Think harder before you do. Is all I'm saying.

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Haven't been feeling my best. This shortness of breath. It comes and it goes.

Lil Miss Perfectionist

I never knew how salient holiday itineraries were until the day I had to design my own. Or rather, our own to be more accurate.

I figured people think I like being in control. That being said, it's an enjoyment to toss things about and see what life throws at us. The less certain it seems, the more curious you get.

So, I sent in the post interview exercise at 0505. Sealed with triple, quadruple checks.

I was faced with an undesirable topic of interest with nary an inch of knowledge yet I gave it the best polish I can muster and pray it shines amidst what I'd foresee The Dust Pile.

Then I thought I was ready to sleep.

But I busied like a lil bee. Packing and folding my holiday threads in bated anticipation of the infamous Indonesian island getaway.

I should be tired.

Two hours later yet I'm still wide eyed. Plus an incessant growling tum.

Out of the blue

It's so soon. Waiting for some action. We've got a city in love.

When bitter turns sweet, I want to witness my friend in love :)

...Sweet, hot, and beauteous love.

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Come what may, I know you will make things work. You've got a way it seems. :)



Photo courtesy of bestie Cia.

The Lil' Miss Romance in me says:

I don't kinda love you. I don't sorta love you. It's not even a maybe.

There's just no turning back.

I thought I'd be scared but you assuaged my fears.

You missed being my first, you could be the only, but I would like to make you my last.

Please be gentle.

::

It's been a slow day. Nice having someone to think about.

:)

Hummingbird

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions, and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong. Wait and see.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that wishes would be heard and answered when wished on the morningstar?

Someone thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us stargazing and what do we think we might see?

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell.
We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.

Is this the sweet sound that calls the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.

I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.

Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and me.

- The Rainbow Connection

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The skies are full of dreams. But you don't know how to fly...

This feeling won't go.

Sweet awakening

Something happened. You could call it life changing.

Now it's just about crossing my fingers and toes, hoping for the best there is.

I haven't so much as spoken in earnest before today. And boy, relief was all mine when it was over.

I grasped a salient point today. I'd rather lose my financial blanket than lose myself.

This is a fair world after all.

Chockful

I just realized the worst feeling in the world starts with a D and morphs into a myriad of foolish situations. One that could be avoided, prevented and curbed.

I'm supposed to sleep; After a never ending buffet dinner, which was a huge success by the way. But on this soulful night, sleep escapes me.

You'd have noticed I didn't even had courage to spell the D word.

I wanted to throw in the towels but I'm not a quitter. So many things could have happened within a short span of time.

I guess it takes time to fully understand the values, culture, habits and perspectives of your polar opposites. It's so exciting and life can be so psychedelic with all these latest happenings wafting about. Such is love and joy.

All im saying is, I'm tired and I just want a keeper.







If it doesn't happen the way it should, at least I have someone to blame.

Well and disappointment is a downright off emotion in my vocabulary.

'Cept that it isn't as bad as pms.