The journey from pregnancy to motherhood is a steep and life-changing one, sometimes unrewarding.
My daughter did not want to celebrate my birthday, nor Mother's Day. She was angry at me for lecturing her. She threw away a good friend's artwork gifted to her on the command of another good friend who dislike the former, I couldn't take it as I had been tolerating the politics of this latter 5yo for a few months, I did not like her. Harsh words were said.
I was devastated and cried. She told me many times she did not want to celebrate me. It hurt. I am still hurting and this is the cruel reality of motherhood for me. We've since made up. It is not a parenting guarantee that our input will determine the output. Nature vs Nurture, none is greater than the other.
Choosing to stay home and look after your own kids due to a lack of support is probably one of the worst ideas ever. You are assuming your mind and body is indestructible, that you can hold the fort, and emerged unscathed. Don't do it, is my advice.
Every mother needs her village. Raising a child is hard work, not a walk in the park, says this well competent mum, with a tinge of sarcasm may I add. Next time you label a mum-friend with the title, superwoman, whether in awe or recognition, make sure you follow up by giving her a day off, heck, maybe even a week. Otherwise, you're just encouraging her to push herself to the point of exhaustion. No one wants a burnt-out mum. I certainly did not feel appreciated whenever anyone told me that. I just want a break.
Lately, I've been laying out the cards as a mother for friends so they can make good decisions on their conception choice. I don't encourage nor disencourage pregnancies, it's a personal choice, but people have to know parenting multiples (my main struggle) is super hard.
Have you been sick enough you don't have capacity to get out of bed to wash up and nurse yourself back to health, but you do it anyway because you're motivated to get better? How about taking care of another sick being when you're also down with say stomach flu or having a really bad migraine? How about both? Ironically, I'm having a fever right now and really want to lie down but pushing on till bed time.
Parenthood is a lot like that a few years in. You keep giving, and they will take endlessly. Children are not designed to give you a break. That is why you need your village.
A few months ago, I was at breaking point and very depressed at the prospect of caring for my two children. I was physically wearing out, my mental state in shambles, demotivated to keep them safe, indifferent to their cries and pain. I was numbed. I had been praying to God to hold me together, give me strength and patience. It didn't happen. I had been praying this prayer for a year and answers didn't come. I was desperate and unhappy with my situation. I resented my kids. I felt burdened, but still I trudged on, determined to fake it till I make it.
Well, it's not happening. I couldn't even fake it. The kids knew mama is not happy. Kids will do anything to be loved, it's a survival instinct. I watched them clamour for the love I couldn't give. It was heartbreaking. I cried.
One day, while listening to a marriage and parenthood sermon in the car with Nick, kids napping behind, a bright thought came. I realised I had been praying wrong. I needed to change my prayer. In that instant, I knew I have to pray for rest. I was not getting support and wasn't showing up for my family. I prayed for rest to come that very moment.
I prayed that for a week and slept like a baby at night. I was finally getting some rest. Elijah is still breastfeeding at night so my sleep is truncated and not restorative. That week, Elijah nursed lesser and I slept well.
The next week, Nick informed me we got a full day placement in the childcare he had registered for a year ago, right below our house!
The rest is history.
I had wanted to homeschool all my children, so they are directly exposed to biblical values with none of the academic stresses. But I gave birth to extroverts who needed a lot of social time and really enjoyed school. I had wanted more kids too, but realised my capacity as a mother was beyond me. I decided to focus on just two, and that changed everything. All my fears, worries and exhaustion just fell away as I concluded my conception dilemma.
My heart is full. I am contented with my choice. More importantly, God provides and He never fails. Sometimes you just have to change your prayer.
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| With our two kids on Mother's Day |
(This post is inspired by another mum.)
