Wordsmith

Letter to Mabel: Ending 2018

Leaving 2018 means leaving the year you still existed. I wasn't afraid of losing you, until I lost you. And now I'm afraid to step out of this year because facing 2019 will be the hardest thing to do.

It is so easy to wallow in self pity, so tempting. I struggled to celebrate Christmas, and now I'm struggling to celebrate New Year. I am still mourning and struggling to enjoy this long drawn festive season. No I am not punishing myself, I am just trying to grieve without letting it overwhelm me, taking note not to embrace this sadness for too long at a time.

You know, Pamela & Alfred's mum just passed away very recently due to cancer. Her niche is just a few rows below yours. I feel so much for them even though I was never close to their mum. Do you know 小姑姑 is only in her mid fifties? Another death in the Wannies this year, one too many.

30 December - I am exactly ten weeks along today, and it is also Beth's 21 months milestone. Just thought you'd like to know :)

My heart still aches, not so much for Mummy as I'm sure she is aching in her own way. I am learning to own my grieving, so I can learn to let go eventually. Grieving on behalf of Mummy has been very draining. So many times, I subconsciously grieved because I feel for Mummy for losing her most beloved daughter, she loved you so much I'm sure you know.

Carrying this sadness around is new to me, I never knew this much sadness until you were gone. Yet I also learnt more wonderful things about you in death than when you were around in person. Posthumous much?

I always knew you loved and respected me through your actions, but I didn't know you'd proudly tell all your friends about it.

I always knew you were kind and helpful, but I didn't know you've touched so many people's lives.

I always knew you were unhappy and self critical, but I didn't know despite your unhappiness, you brought so much laughter and sunshine into other people's lives that many were just in disbelief you suffered from depression.

I always believed in you. You were smart, beautiful, kind and loving. I wished depression hasn't taken you first.

In reality, my mind still talks to you, my heart still looks for you but my soul knows that you're at peace.

So be at peace my little sister ❤️

Till the day we meet again xx

Memorial necklace & Bird's nest ❤️

This means a lot to me :') Thank you my loves.

Very special memorial pendant engraved with my sister's and my initials M.W. both ways :') I love it

Shortly after the girls left, I ordered my dinner online and within minutes there was a very hurried and urgent knock on my door. I knew it couldn't be dinner because it was too fast. When I took it from the deliveryman, it was hot and heavy for a small parcel. I knew it was food.

Thank you hpy for the thoughtful gesture, my mum who happened to see it was equally touched. I know you meant to pamper me, and I loved it. Thought of my sis too because this is her absolute favourite.

You guys are my bestest friends from secondary school and have seen me at my worst. There is nothing more I need to say to express my thanks and love, because I've said it all :)

You, and many of my good good friends have been standing by my side all these while, silently supporting and cheering me. 

Losing someone is always hard. But you guys made it much better to bear with your big big hearts and generosity towards me :') 

I've since lost my lustre and shine because a part of me feels lost and lonely despite having the warmth and love of family and friends. It's so hard to admit but I know it to be true. I took it out on Nick a lot because I no longer care about his feelings (because I'm hurting a lot). It's not that I don't love him. On the contrary, I love him and want him to be there for me. I have lesser forbearance towards Nick and when he pisses me off unnecessarily, I rage. I treat him like a kid and just have a go at him. I don't put up with him like I used to because I no longer have capacity. My tank feels drained and void.

Therapy was necessary for us because he wasn't able to support me in my grief; he was insensitive and hurtful. We have to protect our marriage from all these rush of raw and exposed emotions that were new to us, and I must say he's doing very well in being a good listener and understands my grief in a way that makes me feel understood and safe when I talk about it (and I do it a lot).

Nick is an awesome husband and father but we have our disagreements that are just difficult to resolve because we're equally stubborn. A character trait so ingrained we find hard to change.

If we were to rely on our own strengths to keep our marriage intact, we'd have failed. God has always been keeping and protecting our marriage. I turn to Him in good and bad times. But I honestly found it much harder to turn to Him in the latter. Sorrow just doesn't want companion.

I just can't.

As I drone on and on, Christmas is already upon us. How bittersweet, the first of many difficult holidays to celebrate without my little sister around.

Hope

Found myself back in the comfort spot of my kitchen, nursing a nauseous gig. A spot that holds many memories as I sat here night after night yearning for my dear dead sister. This pregnancy is harder than I thought.

I misses her calls to check on my pregnancy, hear my rants and being my supportive sister.

I had dreaded this moment when I am at my most vulnerable (being pregnant), yet having to calm my emotions so it won't affect my pregnancy. I already knew this would be the toughest part of my journey. I have no solution, only willpower and self control.

I pray for God to heal my broken heart as I become the ideal nesting place for my little hope baby.

I nicknamed our baby Hope, which is what s/he is :)

Having my EDD around my sister's death anniversary seems to bring hope. I am still resentful at the events surrounding her death and will probably take a very long time, if ever to reconcile with some people, especially myself.

Right now, I just need to take one step at a time and watch where I place my next footing.

I know before long, I'll have my hope in my arms and it'll take away some of the pain.

Mei, how I wish Heaven had a phone 

so I can hear your voice one more time.