Havent felt this way in a while. The last I felt this empty was so long ago I can't even recall (thanks to my selectively bad memory). Then again, I recall nothing unhappy. My brain erases bad memories, I suspect.
At first I thought it was PMDD - it'd have sucked - but it didn't feel that serious. I don't know how to even describe this hollowness inside me. Did it even start from the moment my sis died? I have no answers.
Insomnia tonight because my mind is so overwhelmed I thought it might self implode.
I feel sad, hopeless, empty and burdened. I feel so heavy, like a lead. I'm drowning inside but no one sees. I'm crying without tears. I let this feeling engulf me, I have no will nor energy to stop it. Battling it is moot, I tried.
This pandemic is both a charm and a curse. It slowed everything down but not me, I'm living such a fast paced life I have no functioning brakes. I can't seem to slow down - what am I afraid of? I want and need to rest, yet I'm afraid to slow down - afraid of what I'm not sure.
Tiredness is my default. Depression is on the horizon. I am tired of being needed. Now I know why kids are cute - so you'll still love them even when your patience runs out.
Tonight, I am not a mother, wife or daughter. My identity is a child of God, seeking rest and restoration. In Him, I finally found peace.
