My sister, my love

I think I'm at the stage where I cry over everything and very randomly too. I get very bad mood swings this time round. It's rare I get such major mood disorders around my period.

I've lashed out at everyone around me and it wasn't normal behaviour. I felt it coming and I couldn't stop it.

I would walk from living room to kitchen and just stop dead in my tracks to sob heart wrenching uncontrollable tears of sorrow. Beth would run to me and huddle around my legs hugging my thighs and pulling me down to cuddle and shower me with cute kisses while saying "ohhh". Her version of "aww". Afterwards I'd stretch out my hands to ask her for a big big hug and kisses which she dispenses generously.

I went back to my parents' place on Sunday and couldn't bear to be in the house. It drove me a bit nuts to stay there for too long. I really respect my mum so much for her strength and courage to live on in spite of mei mei's demise in the house. At the same time, I really feel so so bad for her. I wish she would stay with me so I can take care of her.

I miss my sis so much and found it hard to believe she's gone. I yearn for our sisterly chats and bonding over good food and holiday trips. I miss how she's always so sweet to me, yet I didn't show her enough how much she means to me. I regret being nasty to her, I regret calling her names. I wished I had been a better elder sister to her, instead of having her act like the bigger sis she wasn't supposed to be. I wished she knew how precious she was to us.

Depression really sucked. I wished I had done more. I do blame myself sometimes, even though I understand it was her decision. I wished I was there for her more. I can't believe she's gone just like that. It's getting harder to bear. The loss is simply too much, too great.

While I know it's fine to be not okay, this feeling is just awful. Knowing I can't do anything to reverse the process kills me.

I realised the same scene kept haunting me day and night. The same phonecall, same panicked tone over the phone, the venue I was at when I received the call, the heaviness in my stomach when I heard the news, the words uttered from my mouth "Is she still breathing?", the reply on the other line...

It kills me. It kills me to know I won't be spending any more festivities with her. No more CNY hand holding sister shots. It was a tradition that I loved. No more gluttony meals with her, salivating over her delicious Japanese food, a favourite of hers.

I miss our tete-a-tetes. Who else can I confide in now? I wished I had shown her more love. I genuinely miss her so so much.

She is my Wan & only best sister act I could ever ask for and I miss her every single day.

Mummy style

Beth makes me so happy that I don't remember what life was like before her. It took me awhile to remember we had a life before Beth was born, and that life was pretty good but never as good as the one with her.

I just threw out a bunch of clothes because they aren't breastfeeding friendly. I trashed all my thongs because I prefer my cotton undies. Bagged a whole lot of old shoes that isn't my style anymore. Comfort is my new friend.

I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be - comfortable in my own skin and unapologetically Mummy style.

Letter to Mabel: Beth's milestones

I miss you mei. How I wish you can witness the milestones of 'Beth Beth', the way you've always endearingly called her. I miss it so much. 

She is so full of expressions now and I honestly think she's gonna be your best first niece. She was barely 16 months when you were gone. Watching her grow livelier and more communicative everyday makes me miss you too much. It's a bittersweet feeling not having you here marvelling her milestones together. Mummy was ultra delighted when she spoke her first words with her recently, "don't put" she exclaimed when Mummy stashed her toys away. We were all amazed when she recounted it to us.

I attended the wake of Manda's grandma today. I thought of our beloved Ah ma and of course, you too. I never thought this is how our lives would turn out, with you gone too soon.

I've never stopped thinking of you. I didn't know what grief felt like until now. My heart hurts more often these days. Seems like I'm at the next stage of grief but I can't identify it anymore, even if I try. It's a blur between the lines.

I'm not a big fan of hello kitty but because you are, I bought Beth her first hello kitty - hooded beach towel. You would approve :) I could see your eyes light up at the very thought of it. Her cuteness would make you squeal in delight for sure.

It gets harder every day without you. But we get stronger every day too. Knowing you're safe in Jesus' arms gives me alot of comfort.

Family wise, Nick and I are planning for four children. But who knows what God's plans are. We'll take anything we can :)

Mummy misses you everyday, and I feel so much for her. You were so close to her that if not for Beth, she confessed she don't know if she could have found the will to live on. She's also braver and stronger than I imagine. Losing you made us treasure each other even more, and help our relationship grow even deeper than ever before. I'm also trying to fill your (big) shoes, giving her the same kind of care and fillial piety you'd have given her yourself.

I haven't been in contact with Ronald much but he's still very fillial to Mummy. He bought her favourite kueh lapis for mooncake season knowing I'd definitely buy mooncake for her. I miss how much you dig raffles hotel champagne truffle snowskin and wish I could buy for you again every year.

I'm so thankful for all the memories we had together mei :,)

I customised a canvas family portrait from our last photoshoot with Beth and I'm so so very glad we had that wonderful memory to fall back on :) I've gifted it to Mummy who chose the photo herself, she's super super excited about it. She told me you have a lovely dimpled smile :) I agree.

I've been doing charity and donation on your behalf because you've such a good heart like that. I knew it's something you would have done. It makes me feel good too, helping someone in need. I just want you to be proud of us when you look down from heaven, knowing we are leading meaningful lives xx