Sometimes

One day, my MIL visited us and while I was doing the dishes, she gazed at the frames of my sister and said:

"I think of your sister sometimes. We don't know why she did it but..."

And that was enough for me.

Of weddings and funerals

Today, I just realised...that I'll never get to see my younger sis marry. And it hit me square in the guts.

Seeing my best friend's younger sisters getting married clearly set off waterworks. I literally watched them grew up too. 

Also grieving the death of a Taiwanese singer-actor far longer than I normally do. Does it count if I become a fan posthumously?

One death is still one too many. 2020 has gotta be the most difficult year to date.

Photos from the past

From time to time, I'll scroll through baby photos of Beth. Each time I scroll to June 2018 my heart would drop; it's the last birthday month we'll ever celebrate with my sis, and we didn't had a good celebration at all. Long story short, it could have been better. I didn't know she already had plans to kill herself. It was painful to see happy photos of ourselves from that timeline. Her death ruined those moments. Perhaps one day I'll see it differently, for now the knowledge and awareness killed the good times for that two months she decided to act on her suicide plans.

July 2018 was the month she left us. She had probably been planning for almost 2 months, and there were a few triggers but none as fatal as the one that happened day before her passing.

I do realise I spent more time writing about my sis after her death than about motherhood, the kids, my life as a stay home mum. Frankly, grief and sadness motivated me to record my thoughts. Looking back, I wrote whenever I was unhappy. Through blogging, new reflections surfaced, thoughts internalised, and memories created - the story unfolds.

When I don't have time to write, I pray. I pray a lot and I pray over everything big and small. Praying sustain my sanity. God sustains me. All things are possible with God, therefore nothing is impossible. God knows I longed to see Mabel again. May that day bring me right back where I belong.

Painful pangs

Last night I was doing my nightly ritual with Beth, which was basically talking. We would chat about her 'younger' days. "Remember when I was born?", she'd go.

It was cute.

And a pang of sadness hit me. If only Mabel was around to witness how adorable Beth is now. How chatty, witty and funny she is.

These are the little things that make me unbelievably sad. Happy moments, yet always tinged with a little bittersweet aftertaste.

At times, Beth would ask innocently, "Where is yiyi?". I'd ask "Which one?" and her replies sometimes caught me by surprise as it came out of the blue.

"There", her little fingers pointing to the sky rhetorically.

Yes, yiyi is in Heaven my love.

The missing never stops

Sometimes I wonder what our relationship would become if my sis hadn't left the world in such a traumatic and abrupt manner. I find it difficult to share this part of me: Knowing she have the tendency and thoughts of killing herself always left me wondering when her time is up.

I don't usually speak of it; for people are unusually clumsy or awkward and insensitive with their response. "Why didn't you seek help?" As if I had the hindsight.

So now....I know. This feeling of wishing, hoping and reminiscing. This emptiness in my soul reeks of warm salty tears. Reading and seeing others post endearing sweet nothing of their sister often bring a bittersweet smile and punch to my gut. Sisters are my kryptonite.

How do you continue staying alive for someone else when you're living in misery yourself. Why are you better off heaven bound rather than earth side, with your earthly family whom you know will never forsake you. When did the trigger become so unbearable, only in death can you find solace.

Oh the questions I ask myself night after night.

I see my sis' image in everything I do and touch - the kids expressions, their faces even. Oh the resemblance. When I cook or bake and when I ate something delicious that's right up her alley, I wish she could have a little taste too. When I catch myself fancying something and remembered she'd like that too.

The dead truly live through our memories.

Occasionally, I find myself thinking "Do I have depression?", "Do I need help?". My thoughts and mindset have evolved. Was I ever this vulnerable, raw and authentic? No. Her death changed the way I view the world. It changed everything I knew and trusted. It made me a brand new person who holds her tongue more, speak up less, observe more and worry less.

Her death won't be in vain. It's up to me to make something out of it, even if I don't know where to start. Perhaps by passing on her kind and generous spirit to my children, so she may live through them, their sweet yiyi.

Till we meet again, Mei. xx

Cookies. Memories. Mabel.

We made cookies and it's yummy! I wish my sis is still around to delight in my delicious cookies together, she'd approve.

Someone close asked why I suddenly baked cookies. Truth is, I had very fond memories of baking with my sis. She's usually the initiator and I was often the assistant. We never followed recipes, always just trial and error. She was a very talented baker who also loved to cook. I miss her so much.

So... pictures!

Simple ingredients

Organic suganat cane sugar we used for making our water kefir

The best choc chips

Got them at the bigger Fairprice

I love macadamia!

"Creaming" using butter and sugar - this process is sooo tiring as I don't have an electric mixer. Creamed this by hand for almost 30 minutes to get a 'light & fluffy' texture.

Added the 'dry' ingredients: flour mixture and choc chips

Rolled into tablespoonfuls of balls

This is so cathartic

Baking is so therapeutic

Resting them on a cooling rack

First bottle

While the kids sleep, I baked some more.

Macadamia cookies! I added the nuts later on.

I followed this recipe

Stash for emergencies 😂

Better than subway!

Yum!

I love milk so anything that goes with milk are automatically my favourite. My learnings? Recipes may be there for a reason BUT the process of not following recipes produced the best memories for me and my sis. I'll never forget our times in the kitchen, experimenting and bonding over food, they were the very best.