Baby Hope

Welcome to our family, lil Hope ❤️ Jiu jiu, jiu ma, and your cousins Bethany and Elijah loves you!

Love this shot that was taken by Bethany

She made a card for her favourite gugu & ah tio

Aww I'm sure you do sweetie!

Our family tree just grew! Haha this was Bethany's school work!

Thank you Ethan and Alina for bringing her into our lives too! Bethany seems to think baby looks like her and Elijah's young baby self, I don't disagree!

New year, NIL photos

Ha! Let me explain. It's rare I don't whip out my camera to capture an act or two for posterity's sake. But we had so much fun today I really didn't see the need to get a shot in; we are already making core memories.

We also found out Elijah have ADHD, and it's been super interesting to observe signs and symptoms, something I've always wondered about since he was two years old and he's turning 4.5yo this January. 

It does get tiring and overwhelming sometimes but I totally get why I got chosen to be his mama - I'm his biggest advocate! 

As he grew, it got easier to care for him due to linguistics, comprehension and executive skills improvement, making it easier to understand him, and getting him to cooperate and even help out.

I temporarily took him out of swim class recently due to his bad nasal sinusitis, a major double whammy on top of his ADHD. In future, I will also explore high energy classes he will enjoy. Finding something he is good at and turning that into his superpower is one of the strategies in the toolbox. 

He's super strong, very solidly build for a young kid, very flexible, agile and into high impact, energetic movements. You know what I'm thinking? Dancing! From a young age, he gravitates towards upbeat music, he's really bendy and uses full range of motion to express himself. We'll see if I read him correctly later on. 

Bethany is starting her Primary One journey and I've no qualms she will thrive with her natural enthusiasm and zest for new challenges. She fared very well socio-emotionally in her last two schools, also Sunday School. She's going to be an extrovert like her mum, navigating school life tactfully. I thank god for a prodigious first born.

She's my pride, she's got my strong social genes. He's my joy, one cheeky pout or liner and nobody can bear being upset at him. I'm so privileged to be their mummy. 

 

New year, NIL photos and new transition. Big year for the Wan-Tans. I won't bother concealing the hint of excitement in my tone, because the optimist in me can't wait to see 2024 unfold.

Blessed new year from my family to yours 🎈

Flower girl x Page boy with ADHD

Note: This is a backdated post, writing from the future as I had wanted to chronicle this but December 2023 was unkind and I didn't have much energy or health to post this. I fell sick for a month straight and recently came out of the woods on 1 January 2024. 

::

Bethany and Elijah were 6 and 4 year old when they pulled off two back to back stints of wedding duties within a month of each other. First at my baby cousin's and the latest at Nick's maternal relatives.

The first wedding was before I found out Elijah has ADHD and he was overwhelmed and overstimulated. The second was after I found out he has ADHD and I could put in all the strategic work to help him ease into it. 

The difference between the two weddings were our level of exhaustion versus the impact on him post wedding. When we were aware of what we were dealing with, it was so much easier to manage and he was calmer and less antsy immediately after the event.

We love our son and his ADHD, it was very apparent to me he wasn't like the others. He was always faster, stronger, more intense and jam packed with higher energy than any one I know. At the same time, he has an even temperament, hardly any meltdowns, slow to anger and quick to recover. I read up on books by Marko Juant and found out he is Hyposensitive. This means my little sensory seeker has under-receiving receptors and needed more sensory input to feel the same as what a neurotypical peer feels. That sensory seeking spark in him is emerging as fearlessness and adventurous. The dots are finally connecting.

We also found out he does well in school (he loves it) as it has structure and routine, key components to his ADHD development. His teachers are mostly really awesome.

It's too surreal to be a vivacious boy mum after being a gentle girl mum, to speak out against stereotype that boys are rough and girls are not, but that he has neurological imbalances, and his symptoms will evolve as he grow.

Bethany is such a sweet advocate for her brother, she knows about impulse control and everyone has them but some does it better and having awareness can lead to grace for others and self in our response and behaviour. She makes me so proud to be her mum. As does Elijah. I'm so glad they have each other.

At the first wedding, he was unhinged with Bethany trying to hold him back.

The second wedding, he was more subdued as he hid behind Bethany when they walked in so he'll receive less stares. This is him trying to control his urge to run away and Bethany became his solid shield.

I've given up on "eyes at the camera Elijah". I'll take any photos with his silhouette in it and consider it an acceptable family shot. He has his moments but we and the kids will be alright.

The tree is up

Excitement has never felt so liberating.

I've resisted celebrations since Mabel left us in 2018. Just wasn't in the mood and I missed her terribly. Bethany and Elijah were still young and didn't know better than to pluck and throw my trinkets, presumably.

November inched closer when I placed an order for a tree online and got around to setting up our first Christmas tree by mid November, with Bethany's enthusiastic help. She picked the tree, height, colour and all. Only green trees, she mustered with every ounce of a 5yo wisdom, "because trees are green, not white".

When the tree was up, I wanted to throw open the windows to sing and praise the Lord, that's how much joy I felt. Christ-mas is about Jesus Christ and He's been very good to me.

Can we just take a minute to honour this moment in my grieving journey, it's been rough and I've come through with a renewed mind. 

My sister has the most giving and generous spirit, and I'm not saying it posthumously, it's just who she was growing up. I've learnt so much from her.

Counting down to Christmas with a new sense of purpose xx

 

Conversation with Bethany: 5yos have very big feelings

We had a heart-to-heart talk (HTHT). It has happened a few times especially late at night after everyone has gone to bed and she can't sleep. This girl has lots to say and is very teachable. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and hearing hers out.

1) She doesn't like school:

• Too much writing. Her hands hurt, with the teachers telling them not to stop (writing or doing work), it made her anxious. She told me she can only relax when she has finished upon the teachers command. I feel sad and bad for her. "Small hands get tired easily, so do small feet", I said. She told me her friends are faster than her. And I said, "Well they don't have your brain or your heart or your hands right?". She agreed but said her friends are also smart. I don't doubt that, "Everyone is different, and I wish you'd tell the teacher so they know, or rest and take a break or even tell the teacher you can't finish cos your hands hurt and you want to join your friends to play", I encouraged her.

• Too much sweating. I stifled a laugh and grinned. Once, I was at the kitchen sink wiping spillage, she asked if she can take the rag (not sure why I'm explaining this, my rag looks quite clean tbh) to school to wipe her sweat. I was horrified but amused and told her no this is not for wiping faces. So I prepped a handkerchief for her to wipe her sweat in school. I thought it was so cute.

• We have this ritual where I allow her to play on my phone while waiting for the school bus. Whenever the school bus comes early, she's very sad. I took away screen time for a while to reset behaviours. I told her it's time to bring it back as I can see it helps her to relax before school.

The reason I wanted to homeschool her is also the first reason she dislike school. When we acquire one skill, we lose out on another. Their preschool years should be all about developing their motors and neuro through play and not work. I've never liked the idea of reading and writing by the time primary school rolls around. It's a rip off of their childhood. When you can read and write at 5yo, you're losing out on other critical skills. 

I assured her I'll speak to her teachers and let them know, she agreed. I was surprised and expected her to stop me, like she always had. She seems to think Mummy likes to scold everyone, and is fearful I will tell her teachers off.

In closing, I told her to focus on the positives becos the things she doesn't like about school are short lived. Her social time is very precious to her and that's what she talks about at first until recently, where the first thing she tells me is "today is the worst day ever", "so much work", "no time to play with my friends". There has been a few worst day evers since she turned 5yo. 

2) She likes it when I overdramatised how cute she is. I told her I shouldn't have but I can't help it. At the same time, I told her she's also got a good brain and heart. She revealed her teachers adore her, "Mrs Poh says I'm cute". Hahaha I don't doubt that.

3) We talked about me crying this afternoon. I was overcome by emotions and Elijah, being the sweet boy that he is (a sensitive soul despite having huge amount of energy to burn), immediately stopped what he's doing to check on me. He kept asking me tenderly "what happened mummy". Oh my heart. I couldn't answer him so I asked for a hug and he gave me such a good one. I was so touched. Bethany was there too, and didn't really respond until later so I asked (at night during our HTHT) if she was angry with me scolding her earlier, and she affirmed it. I wasn't upset, I know her well enough. She did eventually asked me (in that afternoon) why I cried and took the initiative to give me a big hug. She was angry but not that angry. 

I don't really know why I cried either, we were watching my show, it wasn't even that sad, but I was overcome with a sense of gratitude, appreciation, and some sadness not related to my circumstances, but rather that of another mum. This mum is also a SAHM who reminisced the days she was very close with her young daughter. She related she has felt her 5yo distancing from her, choosing others over her. An important example she noted was when she cried in the bedroom, and her 5yo barged in, saw her crying, and coldly asked her if she can have a snack. After mum permitted the snack, she left the room without any empathy shown. It was an online post and I read the comments (there were a hundred over) telling her every 5yo is like that, don't expect anything more. I begged to differ and my heart ached for this mother.  The comments were insensitive and disparaging. But it also reminded me Bethany has been acting up. 5 year olds has alot of sass and spite, are very snappy, and sensitive to their environment, more impressionable than ever, and especially perceptive. Less scolding, more connecting, I told myself. I don't wanna lose Beth like that. 

I also took the chance to apologise for scolding her and hurting her heart (she literally told me everytime I scold her, her heart hurts, and she gets nervous). I also brought up how hurt I was when she refused repeatedly to celebrate my birthday. I really wanted her to know its significance that birthdays are very special. She finally understood how I felt.

4) She has sheepishly told me how she wished Nai Nai is her mum, becos my MIL buys her anything she wants and feeds her everything she ask for. 5yo are soo impressionable I tell you. I don't get upset at this sort of things and I'm happy she feel loved by so many. It's indeed a joy to be loved at her age. It's a good thing. My MIL is great with the kids and indulges them, and I give her credit for it. She's doing a good job so I'm thankful. But yes, she really indulges them becos gifts is her love language! And honestly, no one in the family (besides my mum, Nick and myself) can resist her cute requests for anything. I used to get so stressed by the things they buy her, but it's alot better now.

I acknowledge every word as she tells me all the things she likes about my MIL (mainly indulging her wants). After I said I'll buy for her (becos she seems deprived), she asked for a "car for my Barbie doll becos she walks everywhere and her legs will get tired." 

5) This last point was super sweet. She told me no matter what I do to her, she'll still love me. She's reflecting back at me, that's exactly what I tell her all the time. She can count on my love for her no matter how angry we both get. I'll never forsake her. 

A noteworthy mention is how she said it: "It makes God sad when we're not nice to each other."

I cried again.

Transition

For a long time now, I've been burnt out beyond repair. Parenting two kids without any help is the most insanely challenging gig I've ever done (should put that in my résumé). Seriously, where is my village? FYI, I don't have one.

I don't have breaks. I'm on call 24/7, Mon-Sun. For five years. I'm tired and snappy and mum raging at both kids. It's not fair (to me). I may never want additional kids again (barring accidents). I did console myself with this phrase: It's just a phase.

This phase has been going on for too long. My body and mind are in ruins. Although I prayed constantly for patience and strength but it never came. Later on I realised why. Running on poor quality sleep with default state being exhaustion, honestly have caused me to be super sluggish. I simply don't have the bandwidth to have patience nor strength. I was maxed out.

A month ago I was listening to a sermon in the car with Nick. It was about marriage. Something clicked in me and I knew immediately what I needed to do: Change my prayer request. I started praying for rest fervently. Specifically, time to rest.

Fast forward 1 to 2 weeks, Nick received an email from the Childcare Centre below, across the pavillion from our place, asking if we'd like to enroll Elijah in their school. We registered our interest one year ago (and forgot about it may I add) and they finally have a spot for us! The rest is history, really. 

I'm so happy to announce our dear Elijah has settled in very well (it's his first week but I'll take it haha). I'm happy to be away from him during the day to replenish my cup before receiving and nurturing him again as the day ends. It's the biggest transition for both of us and a welcomed one. Respite, reprieve, reset. I'm smiling as I type this. 

It's only been a week but I already felt the difference in his energy and overall demeanour when I have him back in the evening. All that excess energy I wasn't able to handle by myself before, channelled into social, connection, movement, and more, in a new environment that he likes (I asked). He is such an active boy that this mama here cannot keep up. I literally died trying. 🥲

I just want to put it out there that without God's grace, I really wouldn't be able to plough through those super hard and dark times (lots of doubts). He really pushed me to my limit though, right till my last straw. God has a weird sense of humour, doesn't he?

Pictures!

More energy to love him back now!

And more time for activities with Bethany too.
This is a major plus!

I even have time to attend a course on detoxing

Too many things I want to accomplish but taking it slow for now. So grateful to be able to reclaim my time and energy for other things! 😪

Raised by two kids

It resonates.

 

Impromptu beach day X Family Valentine's

It was supposed to be our Valentine's Day without the kids. I even booked museum tickets. Funny thing is we don't even celebrate when we were dating but when you're married, dating becomes the real deal...well because kids right? Our couple time is much more precious! However, both our parents weren't able to look after our children so we went on an impromptu family beach date! Oh man it's been two months since we last went for water play.

Pictures for prosperity's sake because I'm very happy today. Kids were pleasant. Meal times were pleasant. Car rides pleasant. Everything pleasant. Peaceful day out.

(Oh I forgot mobile site doesn't function properly anymore - meaning I can't add photos. Regardless, I'm going to bed happy and contented tonight.)

UPDATE: SILLY ME! I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T NOTICED HOW I CAN SCROLL RIGHT TO EXPLORE MORE FUNCTIONS. Googling paid off!

Beth's digital doodles of us - she always add long hair to mine and constantly ask why I don't have it. I can only say I am starting to be wavered and growing it out. Hahaha.

Christmas Cheer

For many years, I stopped celebrating festive seasons because it was painful reminder that Mabel is no longer around to share in the delightful occasion.

Somehow, the kids grew up and I got around to decorating the house, hosting lunches and making plans, even preparing presents. 

When she died, she took a piece of my heart with her, it was never whole again. Food didn't interest me like before. Events doesn't excite me anymore. The kids are the only reason why I even bothered to dress up, because I like seeing Bethany's eyes light up at my styling and grooming. After years of meticulous self care, I'm on autopilot and it doesn't even require huge effort or time. It is thoroughly ingrained in me.

This is the first time the kids will be receiving presents from us so it's a big deal considering my oldest is turning five years old end March next year.

Our actions, spoken or otherwise, does have a ripple effect on the outcomes and happenings around us. Don't be quick to respond, listen a lot before sharing and always end the session on a good note. You truly never know when is the last time you'll ever meet again.

Sleeping babies

You know what I miss?

This.

My newborn sleeping face next to me when I wake up in the mornings.

When Beth was little and I was still a mum of one, I could stare at her all the time. Just tilt my head down, and there she'd be, all snuggled up next to me with her cherubic features.

Super cute.

Sometimes they'd give you a treat with a lil scrunch of their face or a crinkle in their nose, still in their state of slumber.

Super super cute.

We still co-sleep with Beth (and loving it) so logistically speaking, it gets squeezy to have both of them in bed with me. Beth sticks to me during her sleep, consciously or unconsciously. I've no room to move. Both children flank me on both sides when I bring Elijah to bed during night feeds.

I treasure moments like these when I get to wake up next to Elijah's cute sleeping face.

I wish we've a bigger room to put a bigger bed, something like 2 King size for our expanding brood.

My Magical Home Birth

This experience has been so enriching and rewarding that I'm glad it went the way it did. Granted, it wasn't the smoothest labour compared to my first - I was told so many times second births are faster but not in my case.

I'm still recuperating rather slowly but feeling so much better as the days and weeks passed. My body will only get stronger, my wound will heal, my mood will improve, things will get better. For now, I rest while I share the story of my amazing home birth.

The fact that it coincide around my late younger sister's first death anniversary was both an emotional and spiritual thing for me. I lost count of the number of times I prayed for strength and for this new chapter in our lives to mend our broken hearts.

Having gone through the Bradley Method antenatal course the first time round was very useful in preparing my birth. The subsequent Love Based Birth classes was an important and essential refresher. I absolutely loved attending every single classes conducted by both courses. It was all I needed to have a positive mindset and the awareness of what to expect, a crucial asset for any births.

Being very in tune with my body and baby, I started making big batches of bone broths for my confinement as well as the actual labour to nourish my body and prepare for Elijah's arrival.

I even had very specific prayer request - for baby to come after week 39 for personal and health reasons so he can benefit from being a full term baby. At the same time, I'm fully committed to God's plan, whenever baby is ready, so will I be.

I became very nervous in week 38 as I counted down to week 39, not knowing what to expect but always trusting in my body's ability to know what to do. 

Around the same time, Nick was invited to catch his childhood idol, Juventus, play at the National Stadium. The match was set for Sunday night.

By then, I had formed a niggling feeling baby will be due around the weekend period. I kept it to myself and basically gave him the green light to accept the invitation. That was the first real start of anticipation that our baby is coming, even though I was the only one who knew. I started dropping preemptive updates to my birth support team in our group chat.

Over the course of 1-2 days, that niggling feeling grew and heightened and I couldn't ignore it. Nick was the first person I broke my silence to: I had strong instinct my labour will take place from Saturday to Sunday, and Elijah will be out by Sunday morning. He had to unaccept the invitation.

The day finally came.

True enough, my surges (contractions) intensified gradually overnight. Thankfully, it was similar to my first birth. A textbook birth as I call it. The gradual process helped me make sense of the pain and manage it in a way my body could and would bear. I didn't think I've a high pain threshold, so nothing too sudden for me would be nice.

I shared with my care practitioner about my intuition: That I'll labour from Saturday to Sunday, giving birth on Sunday morning. However, my strong surges are telling me a different thing - I could deliver by midnight.

I activated my birth team on Saturday evening, they arrived no later than 9pm.

The birth pool was set up, and birth supplies all within reach for the action.

Game on.

Nick supported me through my earlier contractions before the team arrived, with lots of hip squeezes to alleviate the contraction pains. Strangely, by the time they arrived my surges had slowed down drastically. 

Something changed when I went into the pool ready to birth as my body is telling me to push - my surges had tapered off rather abruptly. It meant one thing: It was no good birthing in the pool, my plans for a gentle home water birth flew out the window in a second.

I knew I had to step out of my comfort zone and trust the process. This was a huge shift in direction. I don't remember feeling sad or angry, I just went with the flow and adapted quickly, much to my birth team's relief I think. I credit this to the many consultations and discussions I had with my care practitioner, we had built trust and understanding, I know I'm in good hands regardless of my plans. It was the one thing I didn't doubt throughout my whole labour.

I thought, God's will - so be it - as long as I'm in good hands, God's loving hands and the people he had surrounded me with.

My contractions became very irregular after that. I breathed deeply through every single one of them. No visualisation or hypnobirthing exercises for me, I tried practicing during pregnancy but couldn't see myself doing it. During one intense surge, I heard a low and lovely sound breathing exercise coming from my team and I followed eagerly. "OOOOOOOMMMMmmmm~" I bellowed before mellowing to a halt. It felt so good! I will practice it for my third birth. Ha!

An awful amount of time has passed. My labour was stuck in the transition phase for a long enough time - shivering, urge to push, painful contractions - but nothing was happening. I was kept hydrated after every surge but the whole process of nothing happening with every uneventful surge took the wind out of me. I declared exhaustion, and was offered food to fuel up. I was fed Royce chocolates.

I got into so many different positions to try and push him out to no avail. Finally, my birth photographer Keidi who's also a practising doula suggested a spinning baby method to disengage baby's head from my pelvic bone so he could reposition himself for birth (assuming he got into a bad position). I had to say that was the most painful thing ever but it worked! I was so grateful for all the loving hands that held mine while I was working through this.

Almost 7am on a quiet Sunday morning, as I had predicted, the magical hour that Elijah arrived to a roomful of loving and gentle hands. He appeared undistressed and curious, just like his big sister.

I was stitched up while nursing Elijah, simultaneously working through the nasty after pains from my uterus shrinking. 

Elijah's measurements were taken and his health status examined. We then took pictures in bed. Bethany was so excited to meet her little brother.

We are now a family of four.