The tree is up

Excitement has never felt so liberating.

I've resisted celebrations since Mabel left us in 2018. Just wasn't in the mood and I missed her terribly. Bethany and Elijah were still young and didn't know better than to pluck and throw my trinkets, presumably.

November inched closer when I placed an order for a tree online and got around to setting up our first Christmas tree by mid November, with Bethany's enthusiastic help. She picked the tree, height, colour and all. Only green trees, she mustered with every ounce of a 5yo wisdom, "because trees are green, not white".

When the tree was up, I wanted to throw open the windows to sing and praise the Lord, that's how much joy I felt. Christ-mas is about Jesus Christ and He's been very good to me.

Can we just take a minute to honour this moment in my grieving journey, it's been rough and I've come through with a renewed mind. 

My sister has the most giving and generous spirit, and I'm not saying it posthumously, it's just who she was growing up. I've learnt so much from her.

Counting down to Christmas with a new sense of purpose xx

 

Elijah play nice

Took him long enough (3 years!) to start playing nice with toys instead of throwing them everywhere...and breaking them. At last, the toys are out of storage and ready for action. He's also into puzzles so I've been getting more of them. Happy to say this is my favourite age of his.

Happy birthday again, Mei xx

Her favourite strawberry shortcake 

I wish to see you again

Even if it's only in my dreams

But how can I dream 

When I don't even sleep at night

Lying in bed 

Thinking of you 

Feeling weary 

This is a bad dream 

I'm closing my eyes 

Tired of thinking 

Thinking of my sadness 

My brain hurts 

Clutching my chest 

Grieving hurts 

I could just die 

Of a broken heart

- Michelle 

Speechless (Laryngitis)

My voice box is inflamed. In other words, I lost my voice.

Last Monday, I fell sick with fever, flu, cough, the whole works. The kids passed it to me, probably Elijah. He's been sick the whole damn month. He got better, then fell sick again (secondary infection) and finally passed his second infection to Beth (zzz) and I (ZZZ). Nick isn't spared too.

Our immunity seems compromised post-covid. We caught it mid March as a family from Elijah's school. Two weeks aft recovery, Elijah fell sick from other viral infection and has been plagued with a few rounds of yet another viral infection.

Anyway, I was convalescing well from Monday's illness, until last Friday; I came down with another fever, flu and yes cough. Couldn't roll my eyes hard enough.

Seriously?! 

I went to the doc in case I needed antibiotics. Well, the doc examined me and said I should monitor. The following day, I lost my voice. Laryngitis is the condition causing voice loss. Unbelievable, another viral infection, again!

It's hilarious. I can't parent without my voice, can I? Or so I thought. I certainly couldn't shout, that's for sure. I could barely whisper. Initially, Nick got frustrated whenever I try to tell him something. I then got frustrated with him being frustrated at me. 

I haven't projected my voice for 3 days, and I tell you, parenting is possible without voice. I found myself more patient with them, less shouty (pun intended). With Nick, he became less harsh, more tolerant of my new found speechless form of communication. One thing is for sure, he is not a lip reader. Another thing, he is also not a mind reader. Nick is the worst at second guessing, becos he doesn't even first guess. Honestly, Nick can never be another soul mate to anyone. He doesn't complete anyone's sentences, let alone mine, becos he doesn't even try. That is his main problem.

I digress. 

Not being able to use my voice can feel pretty hopeless. I can't order food at coffeeshops so Nick has to do it. I can't tell the kids off, so I glared at him to do it. He reluctantly tell them off half heartedly on my behalf. I laughed when Elijah repeatedly jumped to hit the switch and turn off the light while Nick was helping Bethany in the toilet. Nick got pissed after coming out to turn on the lights a few times. I laughed soundlessly becos he went really low like a full squat to achieve that spring high enough to hit the switch. I thought that was pretty clever and appropriate behaviour for an almost 3yo. Admittedly, I laughed becos I can't use my voice at him. 

I was also coughing badly, which strained my voice box further. I couldn't sleep one night after a particular bad bout of coughing, and promptly told Nick we should go out so I can finally get some sleep.

We went to the Barrage. Lovely weather, I almost fell asleep, if not for the kids climbing all over me.

Trying not to look pissed at Elijah stepping over me

Day 4 of voice loss continues.

Conversation with Bethany: 5yos have very big feelings

We had a heart-to-heart talk (HTHT). It has happened a few times especially late at night after everyone has gone to bed and she can't sleep. This girl has lots to say and is very teachable. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and hearing hers out.

1) She doesn't like school:

• Too much writing. Her hands hurt, with the teachers telling them not to stop (writing or doing work), it made her anxious. She told me she can only relax when she has finished upon the teachers command. I feel sad and bad for her. "Small hands get tired easily, so do small feet", I said. She told me her friends are faster than her. And I said, "Well they don't have your brain or your heart or your hands right?". She agreed but said her friends are also smart. I don't doubt that, "Everyone is different, and I wish you'd tell the teacher so they know, or rest and take a break or even tell the teacher you can't finish cos your hands hurt and you want to join your friends to play", I encouraged her.

• Too much sweating. I stifled a laugh and grinned. Once, I was at the kitchen sink wiping spillage, she asked if she can take the rag (not sure why I'm explaining this, my rag looks quite clean tbh) to school to wipe her sweat. I was horrified but amused and told her no this is not for wiping faces. So I prepped a handkerchief for her to wipe her sweat in school. I thought it was so cute.

• We have this ritual where I allow her to play on my phone while waiting for the school bus. Whenever the school bus comes early, she's very sad. I took away screen time for a while to reset behaviours. I told her it's time to bring it back as I can see it helps her to relax before school.

The reason I wanted to homeschool her is also the first reason she dislike school. When we acquire one skill, we lose out on another. Their preschool years should be all about developing their motors and neuro through play and not work. I've never liked the idea of reading and writing by the time primary school rolls around. It's a rip off of their childhood. When you can read and write at 5yo, you're losing out on other critical skills. 

I assured her I'll speak to her teachers and let them know, she agreed. I was surprised and expected her to stop me, like she always had. She seems to think Mummy likes to scold everyone, and is fearful I will tell her teachers off.

In closing, I told her to focus on the positives becos the things she doesn't like about school are short lived. Her social time is very precious to her and that's what she talks about at first until recently, where the first thing she tells me is "today is the worst day ever", "so much work", "no time to play with my friends". There has been a few worst day evers since she turned 5yo. 

2) She likes it when I overdramatised how cute she is. I told her I shouldn't have but I can't help it. At the same time, I told her she's also got a good brain and heart. She revealed her teachers adore her, "Mrs Poh says I'm cute". Hahaha I don't doubt that.

3) We talked about me crying this afternoon. I was overcome by emotions and Elijah, being the sweet boy that he is (a sensitive soul despite having huge amount of energy to burn), immediately stopped what he's doing to check on me. He kept asking me tenderly "what happened mummy". Oh my heart. I couldn't answer him so I asked for a hug and he gave me such a good one. I was so touched. Bethany was there too, and didn't really respond until later so I asked (at night during our HTHT) if she was angry with me scolding her earlier, and she affirmed it. I wasn't upset, I know her well enough. She did eventually asked me (in that afternoon) why I cried and took the initiative to give me a big hug. She was angry but not that angry. 

I don't really know why I cried either, we were watching my show, it wasn't even that sad, but I was overcome with a sense of gratitude, appreciation, and some sadness not related to my circumstances, but rather that of another mum. This mum is also a SAHM who reminisced the days she was very close with her young daughter. She related she has felt her 5yo distancing from her, choosing others over her. An important example she noted was when she cried in the bedroom, and her 5yo barged in, saw her crying, and coldly asked her if she can have a snack. After mum permitted the snack, she left the room without any empathy shown. It was an online post and I read the comments (there were a hundred over) telling her every 5yo is like that, don't expect anything more. I begged to differ and my heart ached for this mother.  The comments were insensitive and disparaging. But it also reminded me Bethany has been acting up. 5 year olds has alot of sass and spite, are very snappy, and sensitive to their environment, more impressionable than ever, and especially perceptive. Less scolding, more connecting, I told myself. I don't wanna lose Beth like that. 

I also took the chance to apologise for scolding her and hurting her heart (she literally told me everytime I scold her, her heart hurts, and she gets nervous). I also brought up how hurt I was when she refused repeatedly to celebrate my birthday. I really wanted her to know its significance that birthdays are very special. She finally understood how I felt.

4) She has sheepishly told me how she wished Nai Nai is her mum, becos my MIL buys her anything she wants and feeds her everything she ask for. 5yo are soo impressionable I tell you. I don't get upset at this sort of things and I'm happy she feel loved by so many. It's indeed a joy to be loved at her age. It's a good thing. My MIL is great with the kids and indulges them, and I give her credit for it. She's doing a good job so I'm thankful. But yes, she really indulges them becos gifts is her love language! And honestly, no one in the family (besides my mum, Nick and myself) can resist her cute requests for anything. I used to get so stressed by the things they buy her, but it's alot better now.

I acknowledge every word as she tells me all the things she likes about my MIL (mainly indulging her wants). After I said I'll buy for her (becos she seems deprived), she asked for a "car for my Barbie doll becos she walks everywhere and her legs will get tired." 

5) This last point was super sweet. She told me no matter what I do to her, she'll still love me. She's reflecting back at me, that's exactly what I tell her all the time. She can count on my love for her no matter how angry we both get. I'll never forsake her. 

A noteworthy mention is how she said it: "It makes God sad when we're not nice to each other."

I cried again.

Struggles of a Stay-At-Home-Mum

The journey from pregnancy to motherhood is a steep and life-changing one, sometimes unrewarding.

My daughter did not want to celebrate my birthday, nor Mother's Day. She was angry at me for lecturing her. She threw away a good friend's artwork gifted to her on the command of another good friend who dislike the former, I couldn't take it as I had been tolerating the politics of this latter 5yo for a few months, I did not like her. Harsh words were said.

 

I was devastated and cried. She told me many times she did not want to celebrate me. It hurt. I am still hurting and this is the cruel reality of motherhood for me.  We've since made up. It is not a parenting guarantee that our input will determine the output. Nature vs Nurture, none is greater than the other.

Choosing to stay home and look after your own kids due to a lack of support is probably one of the worst ideas ever. You are assuming your mind and body is indestructible, that you can hold the fort, and emerged unscathed. Don't do it, is my advice.

Every mother needs her village. Raising a child is hard work, not a walk in the park, says this well competent mum, with a tinge of sarcasm may I add. Next time you label a mum-friend with the title, superwoman, whether in awe or recognition, make sure you follow up by giving her a day off, heck, maybe even a week. Otherwise, you're just encouraging her to push herself to the point of exhaustion. No one wants a burnt-out mum. I certainly did not feel appreciated whenever anyone told me that. I just want a break.

Lately, I've been laying out the cards as a mother for friends so they can make good decisions on their conception choice. I don't encourage nor disencourage pregnancies, it's a personal choice, but people have to know parenting multiples (my main struggle) is super hard.

Have you been sick enough you don't have capacity to get out of bed to wash up and nurse yourself back to health, but you do it anyway because you're motivated to get better? How about taking care of another sick being when you're also down with say stomach flu or having a really bad migraine? How about both? Ironically, I'm having a fever right now and really want to lie down but pushing on till bed time. 

Parenthood is a lot like that a few years in. You keep giving, and they will take endlessly. Children are not designed to give you a break. That is why you need your village. 

A few months ago, I was at breaking point and very depressed at the prospect of caring for my two children. I was physically wearing out, my mental state in shambles, demotivated to keep them safe, indifferent to their cries and pain. I was numbed. I had been praying to God to hold me together, give me strength and patience. It didn't happen. I had been praying this prayer for a year and answers didn't come. I was desperate and unhappy with my situation. I resented my kids. I felt burdened, but still I trudged on, determined to fake it till I make it. 

Well, it's not happening. I couldn't even fake it. The kids knew mama is not happy. Kids will do anything to be loved, it's a survival instinct. I watched them clamour for the love I couldn't give. It was heartbreaking. I cried.

One day, while listening to a marriage and parenthood sermon in the car with Nick, kids napping behind, a bright thought came. I realised I had been praying wrong. I needed to change my prayer. In that instant, I knew I have to pray for rest. I was not getting support and wasn't showing up for my family. I prayed for rest to come that very moment.

I prayed that for a week and slept like a baby at night. I was finally getting some rest. Elijah is still breastfeeding at night so my sleep is truncated and not restorative. That week, Elijah nursed lesser and I slept well.

The next week, Nick informed me we got a full day placement in the childcare he had registered for a year ago, right below our house! 

 

The rest is history. 

I had wanted to homeschool all my children, so they are directly exposed to biblical values with none of the academic stresses. But I gave birth to extroverts who needed a lot of social time and really enjoyed school. I had wanted more kids too, but realised my capacity as a mother was beyond me. I decided to focus on just two, and that changed everything. All my fears, worries and exhaustion just fell away as I concluded my conception dilemma.

My heart is full. I am contented with my choice. More importantly, God provides and He never fails. Sometimes you just have to change your prayer.

With our two kids on Mother's Day

(This post is inspired by another mum.)

Mother's Day: Bittersweet

Not many knew this about Mabel. Just a few months before she died, she was planning to be a mother after getting married. She was engaged, her house was coming. She was very interested in what breastfeeding entails having watched me up close and personal. It pained me to say this next but... She was very very excited regarding her up and coming new life. I was very happy for her.

Every Mother's Day, I keep feeling something is coming up short and today I realised I am still traumatised over her premature death. 

Mabel wanted to be a mother. She was ready. She had experience with mine and her friend's children. It was the first time she had openly discussed motherhood with me. It is hard to accept she is gone, her hopes and dreams dashed. Along with my heart.

A good read

Nick came across and shared this article with me when I told him I'd rather not join him for lunch with our pastor becos I wasn't feeling it and didn't want to meet anyone just cos I happened to free up my slot. Also, I can't handle the kids alone for another day longer (it was a weekend) and desperately need our parents' help.

This article is not that far off from my own struggles as a SAHM.

One day I ought to tell my story.

PS: I have shared my story over here.

Repost: Letter About Suicide (TW)

This letter hits me square in the guts and knocked the wind out of me. I imagined it was my sister reaching out to me, only difference is she carried out her death plans because of a fatal trigger which I now imagined to be the cause of her death.

I'm very heartbroken.

Limiting Screen Time

Been setting hard boundaries and severely limiting screen time in our household (specifically TV). The kids get to watch about an hour or two in the morning. Mornings are usually handled by Nick as I slept in to catch up on my rest (Elijah still nurses through the night). FYI, Nick did not volunteer to take over morning routine, sometimes he grumbled that I don't do anything in the morning anymore. I just let him lament. He will never understand my work load, 'educating' him will only cause more grief.

Nick goes to bed by 9pm (the same time as the kids), asleep by 9.30pm. He wakes 6.30am. Though he wakes early, he's not a morning person at all. He's usually still grumpy by the time I get up an hour later. Kids are up by 7am and he gets them ready for the day. This is where he gives them screen time on the iPad.

I specifically asked if he can cut this and he said no. He don't know what to do with them as he wants to get his personal routine going - had to agree daily poops are important. Personally, I let them get bored and at first they would whine (because they're kids). I have to point out, after cutting down screen time, creative play followed almost instantly. I buy into the adage Let kids be bored, it makes for creative play. I enjoy not having TV switched on, just light music to set the mood in the house.

Surprisingly, it's been especially hard on Nick (he has been suggesting we let them watch some cartoons on the weekend haha). I'm not ready yet, but I'll know when I am. I appreciate him for going with the flow I unintendedly set.

Elijah is practically born into screen time, with Bethany having free reign over TV programmes. I've done a few screen time cold turkeys with Bethany previously and loved the results. Less tantrums and resistance, more acceptance and flexibility with spontaneous arrangements aka brushing teeth before bathing or taking supplements before food etc. 

I know this isn't for everyone. I feel so loved that Nick trusted and supported me in this endeavour, though he's not having an easy time adjusting to it. I've been asking for no TV after our old one kaput but gave in to his request because he can't do without it. We compromised and got a smaller one.

Bethany is almost 5, and I successfully talked her into consenting. We have an agreement there will be no TV time. I picked an opportune moment (after stopping screen time for a few weeks), and told her matter of factly what to expect. She was disappointed but agreed to stick to the plan. So far, she hasn't asked for any TV. Elijah is too young to protest so it's all going well!

Just today, I stepped out after putting Elijah to nap to Nick and Bethany bonding over a book. So pleasing to my sight! Prior to this, Nick proposed we let them watch cartoons thus I countered - playing, reading, or interacting. I truly believe it's much needed. 

 

Reading is the new norm now
Previously books were chucked aside for TV

Now to work on reducing my phone usage. Bethany blatantly noted, without malice I ought to add, "Mummy loves her phone." She sees me on my phone all the time and it stung when she brought it up. I am guilty as charged.

Transition

For a long time now, I've been burnt out beyond repair. Parenting two kids without any help is the most insanely challenging gig I've ever done (should put that in my résumé). Seriously, where is my village? FYI, I don't have one.

I don't have breaks. I'm on call 24/7, Mon-Sun. For five years. I'm tired and snappy and mum raging at both kids. It's not fair (to me). I may never want additional kids again (barring accidents). I did console myself with this phrase: It's just a phase.

This phase has been going on for too long. My body and mind are in ruins. Although I prayed constantly for patience and strength but it never came. Later on I realised why. Running on poor quality sleep with default state being exhaustion, honestly have caused me to be super sluggish. I simply don't have the bandwidth to have patience nor strength. I was maxed out.

A month ago I was listening to a sermon in the car with Nick. It was about marriage. Something clicked in me and I knew immediately what I needed to do: Change my prayer request. I started praying for rest fervently. Specifically, time to rest.

Fast forward 1 to 2 weeks, Nick received an email from the Childcare Centre below, across the pavillion from our place, asking if we'd like to enroll Elijah in their school. We registered our interest one year ago (and forgot about it may I add) and they finally have a spot for us! The rest is history, really. 

I'm so happy to announce our dear Elijah has settled in very well (it's his first week but I'll take it haha). I'm happy to be away from him during the day to replenish my cup before receiving and nurturing him again as the day ends. It's the biggest transition for both of us and a welcomed one. Respite, reprieve, reset. I'm smiling as I type this. 

It's only been a week but I already felt the difference in his energy and overall demeanour when I have him back in the evening. All that excess energy I wasn't able to handle by myself before, channelled into social, connection, movement, and more, in a new environment that he likes (I asked). He is such an active boy that this mama here cannot keep up. I literally died trying. 🥲

I just want to put it out there that without God's grace, I really wouldn't be able to plough through those super hard and dark times (lots of doubts). He really pushed me to my limit though, right till my last straw. God has a weird sense of humour, doesn't he?

Pictures!

More energy to love him back now!

And more time for activities with Bethany too.
This is a major plus!

I even have time to attend a course on detoxing

Too many things I want to accomplish but taking it slow for now. So grateful to be able to reclaim my time and energy for other things! 😪

This hits hard aka Why I chose to be SAHM

I chose to quit my job back then and be a stay home mum because I wasn't getting support from Nick on the workfront.

He literally gave me the ultimatum one day while I was in the backseat of the car tending to young Bethany: Work or Family. He felt I dedicated 'too much time' to work. It wasn't true. I did my bare minimum and if that was too much for him, I know I will never have it all without his support. There and then I knew my decision was to leave my amazing job. There wasn't even a discussion, he just wasn't having it. If I want my job, I had to do it his way. 

That'd be a no from me. Why try so hard when I knew his stand? It's not a hill to die on. My daughter just turned 18 months old and I wanted to spend more time nurturing her and honing this parenting life. Plus, there was another baby in my womb. Her baby brother.

At that time, I also lost my sister to depression and it took every ounce of my energy to not spiral downwards. I really did not need that deal from him.

It was a spiteful and hasty decision; he can have the pleasure of working out our finances after I quit. He was stunned when I bluntly told him my letter of resignation was accepted. I could see the gears turning in his brain. Now he knows where my heart lies: Work never preceded family. It was a good decision in my mind.

But I was resentful. Still am sometimes. I resented him for not being more supportive and understanding. I resented his unforgiving expectations of me. I resented he didn't think it through before opening his mouth. However, I did not regret my decision. It was a choice I made that I knew I can't reverse (I gave up my insurance licence and therefore clientele base). I didn't fight for me, I chose to invest in us.

Coming across this IG post late at night while the kids are sleeping, it unravelled my being.

Even so, I've never regretted my decision to leave my job and be the sole caregiver to my two children. It's a privileged role I'm proud of. I choose God and family over everything else.

Mum life is not rosy. I did get to speak up eventually about leaving my job and we both made peace with that.

This is just one of those stuck between a rock and a hard place decision I had an easy way to overcome: Watch sleeping children sleep. It makes everything right again. They're truly angels when they're asleep. Haha. 

Peace time is sleep time

Not taking this for granted

Bethany is an impressive little girl. I teared watching the video because she's not even 5yo (she turns five end March) but her observation on placement is gamestrong. She didn't miss a beat and knows exactly where each thing is positioned. 

She has been packing at my requests for a few months when I noticed she was keen and willing to help when I'm busy. I didn't even teach her how to pack because I didn't need to. I had no expectations of the end results. She knows by heart the whole layout. I must say she's really my mini me in this aspect. I'm continually touched by her actions, and grace.

In this clip, her hair is still wet after a shower; waiting her turn to be blown dry (watch her flick her hair in the mirror before starting to pack her room) - I'm busy drying Elijah - she is also sick (flu) and exhausted (it's end of day and she's preparing for bedtime). In addition, she has also been packing a few times in a row because her little brother, Elijah kept messing it up. But she does it without complaints at my multiple requests. I sprained my back, and she's my wonderful helper. Probably that is why I teared, she's not feeling her absolute best but she poured her heart and soul into it anyway.

This shows character, and it really can't be taught.

I'll remember not to take this for granted.

Later on, while I was nursing Elijah to sleep in the bedroom, she was practicing her Chinese writing outside. This is the first time she tried writing her own name based on pure memory from when I had guided her. I found her sitting at the table, deep in thoughts, finger resting on chin (just like me when I'm in thinking hat mode), pick up a chalk and started writing character by character.

陈友惠
(Chen Youhui)

Sometimes I wish I could homeschool her, even though I didn't have to. She's super social and thriving well in her school. 

Acts of Service

Sometimes he gets on my nerves, and I especially hate it when he ignores or doesn't acknowledge me when I'm talking.

Yet, I don't praise him enough. He cleans the house every alternate week on top of our fortnightly cleaning aunty. Not even trying to impress me, but because he wants to do it. Because dust is his nemesis.

Regardless of our differences, we make a damn good team (even when we are not very good teammates).

*hearts in eyes*

Raised by two kids

It resonates.

 

Chill mom

After battling stomach flu the whole of last week as a family - started with Elijah and ended with Bethany; Nick and I were not spared either. It finally culminated yesterday that I was so overcome by exhaustion, I hadn't known what rest felt like in ages.

Today, or rather right now, after watching an online sermon, and maybe it has to do with my mentrual cycle (Day 15), I feel relaxed, calm and serene. Pure bliss. Elijah is napping, Beth in school. 25° weather. A cup of hot Darjeeling and snacks. I haven't felt this great since my last depressive episode. This calls for a post 🎉.

And a dash of milk always makes delicious Darjeeling.

Impromptu beach day X Family Valentine's

It was supposed to be our Valentine's Day without the kids. I even booked museum tickets. Funny thing is we don't even celebrate when we were dating but when you're married, dating becomes the real deal...well because kids right? Our couple time is much more precious! However, both our parents weren't able to look after our children so we went on an impromptu family beach date! Oh man it's been two months since we last went for water play.

Pictures for prosperity's sake because I'm very happy today. Kids were pleasant. Meal times were pleasant. Car rides pleasant. Everything pleasant. Peaceful day out.

(Oh I forgot mobile site doesn't function properly anymore - meaning I can't add photos. Regardless, I'm going to bed happy and contented tonight.)

UPDATE: SILLY ME! I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T NOTICED HOW I CAN SCROLL RIGHT TO EXPLORE MORE FUNCTIONS. Googling paid off!

Beth's digital doodles of us - she always add long hair to mine and constantly ask why I don't have it. I can only say I am starting to be wavered and growing it out. Hahaha.

Low mood

Havent felt this way in a while. The last I felt this empty was so long ago I can't even recall (thanks to my selectively bad memory). Then again, I recall nothing unhappy. My brain erases bad memories, I suspect.

At first I thought it was PMDD - it'd have sucked - but it didn't feel that serious. I don't know how to even describe this hollowness inside me. Did it even start from the moment my sis died? I have no answers.

Insomnia tonight because my mind is so overwhelmed I thought it might self implode.

I feel sad, hopeless, empty and burdened. I feel so heavy, like a lead. I'm drowning inside but no one sees. I'm crying without tears. I let this feeling engulf me, I have no will nor energy to stop it. Battling it is moot, I tried.

This pandemic is both a charm and a curse. It slowed everything down but not me, I'm living such a fast paced life I have no functioning brakes. I can't seem to slow down - what am I afraid of? I want and need to rest, yet I'm afraid to slow down - afraid of what I'm not sure.

Tiredness is my default. Depression is on the horizon. I am tired of being needed. Now I know why kids are cute - so you'll still love them even when your patience runs out.

Tonight, I am not a mother, wife or daughter. My identity is a child of God, seeking rest and restoration. In Him, I finally found peace.