My heart hurts alot today

Depressed and hormonal

Feeling extra hormonal today. Attended our 6th therapy session and felt regression in our marriage - don't get me wrong, we're seeking therapy to strengthen our marriage, not because there's any serious undercurrent going on.

I feel super lousy today. Thought of my sis while walking the exact path when I first received the dreaded news and just felt so horribly emotional and heavy hearted. I just couldn't stop thinking of her as I retraced the steps that I needed to take to get to my destination. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we lost her and I couldn't snap out of it. I had no choice but to keep walking anyway, whether I liked it or not. It was a tough journey.

Even though I just came back from a holiday, I found myself longing for another one. Just need to get away from home, from Nick, from everyone who doesn't understand me.

Alina was very sweet. She countered my prickly attitude with nothing but kindness. I felt less lousy because of her. Love her so much for it. Had to apologise for my bad manners earlier.

Today, my counsellor addressed Nick, "If Michelle is not hormonal, she wouldn't be Michelle, right?" Nick responded with "What's my excuse?" I have no words. I felt even lousier when he said that. As if I asked to be thrust into a sea of hormones and emerge with raging temper. I did not.

Our counsellor also reminded us. "God made us all wonderfully so why would we change what God has made so perfectly." Switched my perspective totally. I was once riveted on changing and improving, even bettering myself for Nick and my family. But if I could have upgraded myself to Michelle Version 2, it would already have happened. I did put in ALOT of effort. It was not easy.

I have no directions for our next step because the goalpost Nick sets for me keep shifting anyway. With all that I'm feeling, I just want to hole up until I'm myself again. I feel so drained I don't even have the energy to cry, even though my heart is leaking tears for my eyes.

Just the other day, I was out with my mum and asked her "Mummy have you ever felt like taking your own life when you were younger for all the hardship you went through?". What she told me next made me sick to my stomach, "Never, because I couldn't let my loved ones live with the pain." It spoke so much volume I couldn't think of a cohesive response.

My mum had a tough childhood as she often felt unloved and unwanted, being adopted at a mere few weeks old. When I was growing up, I recall seeing this worn out tattoo on her body. When I was old enough to understand what it meant, it read: Nobody's child. It was a sad reminder of her childhood. She later covered it up with another tattoo. Despite her positivity today, I knew she wasn't always a happy person. My mum is an amazing and incredible human being. She is my role model.

I have a lot of solemn thoughts tonight, I don't really know where they're coming from as I've never felt such intense feelings before. Just going along with my train of thoughts and penning it down as it goes.

Beth is very much my focus right now, and her toddler years are getting rougher. Being her main caregiver, I face a lot of stress, particularly from Nick whom I've always felt is very critical of what I do and ask a lot of tough and unnecessary questions that doesn't help me at all. E.g. He'd ask me about alternative situations that didn't happen on the pretext of 'making me think about contingency', but I find it redundant and it stresses me out when my answer is not up to his expectations or when I fail to grasp what he's thinking. I can totally think on my own two feet so his questions show a lack of trust and faith in my ability. He, being who he is, I take it in my stride most of the time. I try not to take it personally and is quick to forgive and forget, but all these is taking a toll on me. Because it's very much one sided and the same grace is not extended to me at all. I feel like I'm just giving and giving, and not receiving.

Of course, this is only one side of the coin. I'm sure he'll have a different account of the same story. My intention is to log my thoughts, whether good or bad, so I can look back and see how far I (or we) have come.

I bother, thus I reflect. That is all.

Letter to Mabel: Vinz is back

Terrible indigestion after a fun evening with my sis- and brother-in-law rendered me sleepless.

While surfing social media, I saw Mabel's best friends going on (separate) holidays and felt a pang of sadness. She will never get to go on another holiday again. I miss her look of excitement whenever she goes on holidays. I miss her so much it hurts so bad. My dad once said Mabel has gone on a long holiday this time. Maybe that's his coping mechanism. I call it for what it is - she's gone, dead, died, passed away. 

Christmas is creeping closer but I'm not really looking forward to it at all. Call me a downer but I'm just not feeling it. How can I ever be happy when I've lost my sister? - is what I feel like cry-saying it out loud. I'm wretched through and through. Even my amazing mum is excited that Christmas is around the corner. Maybe she's onto something that I don't, maybe she's way ahead of me in the game. Maybe because it's her birthday on boxing day. My mum is just awesome.

::

Mei, I've reconciled with Vinz. Do you know he's in a bad place too? Yet he bravely came forward and allowed healing to take place. Sometimes I wish you were healed while on earth. I miss you so much.

Vinz was real sweet - he got himself tattooed as a remembrance on the day you were laid to rest at Mandai, a picture of Little Prince who has significant meaning to him.

For this little prince lives in a planet on his own but has friends from other planets. Even though you've left us, he believe you're on a 'planet' (that I call it Heaven), and will make many wonderful friends who loves you. I know you'll be touched by his gesture when you look down from heaven to see how we're doing.

I strongly believe you're truly happy up there, even though I've no proof. I just know it mei. I'm comforted knowing you are happy. You're finally in good hands :) Jie loves you so so much, always will and forevermore.

Till we meet again k 💋

:)

Haven't felt this much happiness and joy in a long time. Feels like a huge rock is lifted off my chest and I can breathe again.

Too many good news lately, I'm in high spirits!

Thank you Jesus 🙌🏻

Heavy hearted

I cried today. It was a heart wrenching sob with snot and contorted features. It was because of something a dear old friend sent.

The sadness reaches deep into my soul and Beth comforted me again, patting me and giving me little kisses.

I'll never ever take anything for granted, ever again.

Life would not be the same without you. I miss you too much. Please be well soon, it'll be my honour to be part of your healing journey.

Love
Hpy Mitch

A timely text from dear old HPY

Today, you texted me out of the blue and came clean with why you left our friendship in the beginning. It was the second time you left and I thought I had lost you for good.

This time, I really wanna be there for you, if you let me. I know you need time, and I know better than to push you.

Patience is my virtue since becoming a mum. I'll wait patiently to hug it out, to fill you in on all the happenings and provide you your support structure, if you let me.

I was missing Mabel badly when you texted. Perfect timing, I thought.

I miss you so much, I just want you back.

XX love,
Hpy Mitch

Letter to Mabel: Beth, holidays and fave food

Missing you for the nth time today and everyday. Sometimes I wonder why did it have to happen to us. I resent the fact that you are truly gone and cannot even began to fathom what Mummy must be feeling everyday, especially in the mornings and evenings when you'd usually be around to greet and bid her goodbye or welcome her home.

If only you knew how badly we miss you.

Beth is such a lovely cutie these days. I really wish - and I'll never stop wishing - you're around to witness it. I guarantee you'll melt into a puddle just watching her becoming more social and independent.

Our family group chat has not seen much action lately because I chose not to post anything there. You're numerically still in the group chat and thus our replies will never achieve any blueticks anymore. It's a sad sad shell of its former glory where we posted many pictures and discussion. I miss your replies mei. What I'd give to have you back.

We just came back from BKK and unbeknownst to me, Thomas remembered I wanted to eat the food you used to like, and insisted we go Chinatown. I wouldn't have known if Sheena hadn't confided in me privately. I was very touched. We had your favourite bird's nest and braised pork knuckle. The bird's nest we had were of good quality and I got one for Mummy, because that's what you'd have done, always keeping the best for her. I wondered if you had the better ones or the less fancy ones at roadside stalls. I knew you'd enjoy the bowl of yummy bird's nest we had. Thomas even ordered one of the more premium one for us to share. He is such a sweet guy. Pity you guys never got to meet as he wasn't able to attend our wedding party at Loof.

Do you eat your bird's nest with eggs and honey? It is so good! We felt so indulgent.

We had your favourite wanton mee and braised pork too. I'm happy to have tasted what you had and really liked it :')

I miss Australia so much and honestly believe you'd have liked it too. The food, the weather and the lifestyle would suit your preferences I think.

I miss our cruise trip and it wouldn't be the same without you if I go again with mummy on our next family holiday.

What really made you do it mei. What drove you to such ultimatum that you couldn't even confide in me before your final moments. Why didn't you let me help you one more time, just like before. But I do know why, yet I cannot imagine the extent of your pain and suffering. New ideas and thoughts form in my mind over time, a clearer view of the whole picture. I think I know the real reason and intention. It's so scary to admit to myself sometimes, I don't want to entertain whatifs and whatnots. There are so much secrets that you literally carried to your grave and I only have an inkling of your motive.

Nevertheless, I honour and treasure our times together. I'll always remember my beautiful and kindhearted sister fondly. I love you mei.