Depressed and hormonal

Feeling extra hormonal today. Attended our 6th therapy session and felt regression in our marriage - don't get me wrong, we're seeking therapy to strengthen our marriage, not because there's any serious undercurrent going on.

I feel super lousy today. Thought of my sis while walking the exact path when I first received the dreaded news and just felt so horribly emotional and heavy hearted. I just couldn't stop thinking of her as I retraced the steps that I needed to take to get to my destination. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we lost her and I couldn't snap out of it. I had no choice but to keep walking anyway, whether I liked it or not. It was a tough journey.

Even though I just came back from a holiday, I found myself longing for another one. Just need to get away from home, from Nick, from everyone who doesn't understand me.

Alina was very sweet. She countered my prickly attitude with nothing but kindness. I felt less lousy because of her. Love her so much for it. Had to apologise for my bad manners earlier.

Today, my counsellor addressed Nick, "If Michelle is not hormonal, she wouldn't be Michelle, right?" Nick responded with "What's my excuse?" I have no words. I felt even lousier when he said that. As if I asked to be thrust into a sea of hormones and emerge with raging temper. I did not.

Our counsellor also reminded us. "God made us all wonderfully so why would we change what God has made so perfectly." Switched my perspective totally. I was once riveted on changing and improving, even bettering myself for Nick and my family. But if I could have upgraded myself to Michelle Version 2, it would already have happened. I did put in ALOT of effort. It was not easy.

I have no directions for our next step because the goalpost Nick sets for me keep shifting anyway. With all that I'm feeling, I just want to hole up until I'm myself again. I feel so drained I don't even have the energy to cry, even though my heart is leaking tears for my eyes.

Just the other day, I was out with my mum and asked her "Mummy have you ever felt like taking your own life when you were younger for all the hardship you went through?". What she told me next made me sick to my stomach, "Never, because I couldn't let my loved ones live with the pain." It spoke so much volume I couldn't think of a cohesive response.

My mum had a tough childhood as she often felt unloved and unwanted, being adopted at a mere few weeks old. When I was growing up, I recall seeing this worn out tattoo on her body. When I was old enough to understand what it meant, it read: Nobody's child. It was a sad reminder of her childhood. She later covered it up with another tattoo. Despite her positivity today, I knew she wasn't always a happy person. My mum is an amazing and incredible human being. She is my role model.

I have a lot of solemn thoughts tonight, I don't really know where they're coming from as I've never felt such intense feelings before. Just going along with my train of thoughts and penning it down as it goes.

Beth is very much my focus right now, and her toddler years are getting rougher. Being her main caregiver, I face a lot of stress, particularly from Nick whom I've always felt is very critical of what I do and ask a lot of tough and unnecessary questions that doesn't help me at all. E.g. He'd ask me about alternative situations that didn't happen on the pretext of 'making me think about contingency', but I find it redundant and it stresses me out when my answer is not up to his expectations or when I fail to grasp what he's thinking. I can totally think on my own two feet so his questions show a lack of trust and faith in my ability. He, being who he is, I take it in my stride most of the time. I try not to take it personally and is quick to forgive and forget, but all these is taking a toll on me. Because it's very much one sided and the same grace is not extended to me at all. I feel like I'm just giving and giving, and not receiving.

Of course, this is only one side of the coin. I'm sure he'll have a different account of the same story. My intention is to log my thoughts, whether good or bad, so I can look back and see how far I (or we) have come.

I bother, thus I reflect. That is all.