Baby Hope

Welcome to our family, lil Hope ❤️ Jiu jiu, jiu ma, and your cousins Bethany and Elijah loves you!

Love this shot that was taken by Bethany

She made a card for her favourite gugu & ah tio

Aww I'm sure you do sweetie!

Our family tree just grew! Haha this was Bethany's school work!

Thank you Ethan and Alina for bringing her into our lives too! Bethany seems to think baby looks like her and Elijah's young baby self, I don't disagree!

New year, NIL photos

Ha! Let me explain. It's rare I don't whip out my camera to capture an act or two for posterity's sake. But we had so much fun today I really didn't see the need to get a shot in; we are already making core memories.

We also found out Elijah have ADHD, and it's been super interesting to observe signs and symptoms, something I've always wondered about since he was two years old and he's turning 4.5yo this January. 

It does get tiring and overwhelming sometimes but I totally get why I got chosen to be his mama - I'm his biggest advocate! 

As he grew, it got easier to care for him due to linguistics, comprehension and executive skills improvement, making it easier to understand him, and getting him to cooperate and even help out.

I temporarily took him out of swim class recently due to his bad nasal sinusitis, a major double whammy on top of his ADHD. In future, I will also explore high energy classes he will enjoy. Finding something he is good at and turning that into his superpower is one of the strategies in the toolbox. 

He's super strong, very solidly build for a young kid, very flexible, agile and into high impact, energetic movements. You know what I'm thinking? Dancing! From a young age, he gravitates towards upbeat music, he's really bendy and uses full range of motion to express himself. We'll see if I read him correctly later on. 

Bethany is starting her Primary One journey and I've no qualms she will thrive with her natural enthusiasm and zest for new challenges. She fared very well socio-emotionally in her last two schools, also Sunday School. She's going to be an extrovert like her mum, navigating school life tactfully. I thank god for a prodigious first born.

She's my pride, she's got my strong social genes. He's my joy, one cheeky pout or liner and nobody can bear being upset at him. I'm so privileged to be their mummy. 

 

New year, NIL photos and new transition. Big year for the Wan-Tans. I won't bother concealing the hint of excitement in my tone, because the optimist in me can't wait to see 2024 unfold.

Blessed new year from my family to yours 🎈

Ready Skooler

We were invited to Bethany's K2 graduation concert today. She did great! I'm so proud of all of them for putting on an amazing performance. Part of me cried a little inside as she declared "I can't wait to go to primary school! I'm so excited!”

This day came too fast. The kids went through rounds of practice to be on stage today, their storyline is well thought through and got me invested. How can these small kids be so brave to face such a big audience and yet so focussed on their deliverables. I don't know about others but I think six year olds are super impressive!

I'm a very proud mama. This is a 4 minutes 30 seconds production. It's value is priceless.

Mother's Day thoughts

In my early 20s, I had already imagined being a mother someday and six years in since having my first child, I can't imagine not ever being one. Without missing a beat, I have learnt to take joy in my small parenting wins and not bashing myself up in my failures so it's been quite a bittersweet journey.

I am not a perfect parent but I am the best at reading my children and giving them what they need, when they need it. My greatest struggle is self regulation in the midst of overwhelm, and I am always overwhelmed (warm welcome to motherhood!).

To my dearest children: Keep the hugs & kisses coming, and all these treasured handwritten handmade gifts, that's all I ever need! 

LOL I think she anyhow whack 😂

Made scented rose sea salt then told me I'm not supposed to use it on my body 🤔 suggested to use it as decor like a home fragrance lol

True story: Bethany told me she had to do so many craft work for mother's day that she did not enjoy school that day. When she presented all her works, I already knew she spent the entire school day creating all four handiwork. I truly feel for her!

Can I just saaay, with Elijah and knowing what he's like, I'm surprised he didn't crush his artwork and toss it on the floor 🤣 Better take a photo just in case!

Thank you for making me a proud Mummy!

My pride and joy

Happy Mother's Day to me 🌷

PS: My favourite colour is not yellow! To be fair, I always told her I like all colours because I can't decide what colours to tell her since I've a few favourite ones 🤪 Also, I've zero idea what happened in Bali since we've not brought her there, does she mean barley? 😳

The tree is up

Excitement has never felt so liberating.

I've resisted celebrations since Mabel left us in 2018. Just wasn't in the mood and I missed her terribly. Bethany and Elijah were still young and didn't know better than to pluck and throw my trinkets, presumably.

November inched closer when I placed an order for a tree online and got around to setting up our first Christmas tree by mid November, with Bethany's enthusiastic help. She picked the tree, height, colour and all. Only green trees, she mustered with every ounce of a 5yo wisdom, "because trees are green, not white".

When the tree was up, I wanted to throw open the windows to sing and praise the Lord, that's how much joy I felt. Christ-mas is about Jesus Christ and He's been very good to me.

Can we just take a minute to honour this moment in my grieving journey, it's been rough and I've come through with a renewed mind. 

My sister has the most giving and generous spirit, and I'm not saying it posthumously, it's just who she was growing up. I've learnt so much from her.

Counting down to Christmas with a new sense of purpose xx

 

Elijah play nice

Took him long enough (3 years!) to start playing nice with toys instead of throwing them everywhere...and breaking them. At last, the toys are out of storage and ready for action. He's also into puzzles so I've been getting more of them. Happy to say this is my favourite age of his.

Conversation with Bethany: 5yos have very big feelings

We had a heart-to-heart talk (HTHT). It has happened a few times especially late at night after everyone has gone to bed and she can't sleep. This girl has lots to say and is very teachable. I enjoy sharing my thoughts and hearing hers out.

1) She doesn't like school:

• Too much writing. Her hands hurt, with the teachers telling them not to stop (writing or doing work), it made her anxious. She told me she can only relax when she has finished upon the teachers command. I feel sad and bad for her. "Small hands get tired easily, so do small feet", I said. She told me her friends are faster than her. And I said, "Well they don't have your brain or your heart or your hands right?". She agreed but said her friends are also smart. I don't doubt that, "Everyone is different, and I wish you'd tell the teacher so they know, or rest and take a break or even tell the teacher you can't finish cos your hands hurt and you want to join your friends to play", I encouraged her.

• Too much sweating. I stifled a laugh and grinned. Once, I was at the kitchen sink wiping spillage, she asked if she can take the rag (not sure why I'm explaining this, my rag looks quite clean tbh) to school to wipe her sweat. I was horrified but amused and told her no this is not for wiping faces. So I prepped a handkerchief for her to wipe her sweat in school. I thought it was so cute.

• We have this ritual where I allow her to play on my phone while waiting for the school bus. Whenever the school bus comes early, she's very sad. I took away screen time for a while to reset behaviours. I told her it's time to bring it back as I can see it helps her to relax before school.

The reason I wanted to homeschool her is also the first reason she dislike school. When we acquire one skill, we lose out on another. Their preschool years should be all about developing their motors and neuro through play and not work. I've never liked the idea of reading and writing by the time primary school rolls around. It's a rip off of their childhood. When you can read and write at 5yo, you're losing out on other critical skills. 

I assured her I'll speak to her teachers and let them know, she agreed. I was surprised and expected her to stop me, like she always had. She seems to think Mummy likes to scold everyone, and is fearful I will tell her teachers off.

In closing, I told her to focus on the positives becos the things she doesn't like about school are short lived. Her social time is very precious to her and that's what she talks about at first until recently, where the first thing she tells me is "today is the worst day ever", "so much work", "no time to play with my friends". There has been a few worst day evers since she turned 5yo. 

2) She likes it when I overdramatised how cute she is. I told her I shouldn't have but I can't help it. At the same time, I told her she's also got a good brain and heart. She revealed her teachers adore her, "Mrs Poh says I'm cute". Hahaha I don't doubt that.

3) We talked about me crying this afternoon. I was overcome by emotions and Elijah, being the sweet boy that he is (a sensitive soul despite having huge amount of energy to burn), immediately stopped what he's doing to check on me. He kept asking me tenderly "what happened mummy". Oh my heart. I couldn't answer him so I asked for a hug and he gave me such a good one. I was so touched. Bethany was there too, and didn't really respond until later so I asked (at night during our HTHT) if she was angry with me scolding her earlier, and she affirmed it. I wasn't upset, I know her well enough. She did eventually asked me (in that afternoon) why I cried and took the initiative to give me a big hug. She was angry but not that angry. 

I don't really know why I cried either, we were watching my show, it wasn't even that sad, but I was overcome with a sense of gratitude, appreciation, and some sadness not related to my circumstances, but rather that of another mum. This mum is also a SAHM who reminisced the days she was very close with her young daughter. She related she has felt her 5yo distancing from her, choosing others over her. An important example she noted was when she cried in the bedroom, and her 5yo barged in, saw her crying, and coldly asked her if she can have a snack. After mum permitted the snack, she left the room without any empathy shown. It was an online post and I read the comments (there were a hundred over) telling her every 5yo is like that, don't expect anything more. I begged to differ and my heart ached for this mother.  The comments were insensitive and disparaging. But it also reminded me Bethany has been acting up. 5 year olds has alot of sass and spite, are very snappy, and sensitive to their environment, more impressionable than ever, and especially perceptive. Less scolding, more connecting, I told myself. I don't wanna lose Beth like that. 

I also took the chance to apologise for scolding her and hurting her heart (she literally told me everytime I scold her, her heart hurts, and she gets nervous). I also brought up how hurt I was when she refused repeatedly to celebrate my birthday. I really wanted her to know its significance that birthdays are very special. She finally understood how I felt.

4) She has sheepishly told me how she wished Nai Nai is her mum, becos my MIL buys her anything she wants and feeds her everything she ask for. 5yo are soo impressionable I tell you. I don't get upset at this sort of things and I'm happy she feel loved by so many. It's indeed a joy to be loved at her age. It's a good thing. My MIL is great with the kids and indulges them, and I give her credit for it. She's doing a good job so I'm thankful. But yes, she really indulges them becos gifts is her love language! And honestly, no one in the family (besides my mum, Nick and myself) can resist her cute requests for anything. I used to get so stressed by the things they buy her, but it's alot better now.

I acknowledge every word as she tells me all the things she likes about my MIL (mainly indulging her wants). After I said I'll buy for her (becos she seems deprived), she asked for a "car for my Barbie doll becos she walks everywhere and her legs will get tired." 

5) This last point was super sweet. She told me no matter what I do to her, she'll still love me. She's reflecting back at me, that's exactly what I tell her all the time. She can count on my love for her no matter how angry we both get. I'll never forsake her. 

A noteworthy mention is how she said it: "It makes God sad when we're not nice to each other."

I cried again.

Not taking this for granted

Bethany is an impressive little girl. I teared watching the video because she's not even 5yo (she turns five end March) but her observation on placement is gamestrong. She didn't miss a beat and knows exactly where each thing is positioned. 

She has been packing at my requests for a few months when I noticed she was keen and willing to help when I'm busy. I didn't even teach her how to pack because I didn't need to. I had no expectations of the end results. She knows by heart the whole layout. I must say she's really my mini me in this aspect. I'm continually touched by her actions, and grace.

In this clip, her hair is still wet after a shower; waiting her turn to be blown dry (watch her flick her hair in the mirror before starting to pack her room) - I'm busy drying Elijah - she is also sick (flu) and exhausted (it's end of day and she's preparing for bedtime). In addition, she has also been packing a few times in a row because her little brother, Elijah kept messing it up. But she does it without complaints at my multiple requests. I sprained my back, and she's my wonderful helper. Probably that is why I teared, she's not feeling her absolute best but she poured her heart and soul into it anyway.

This shows character, and it really can't be taught.

I'll remember not to take this for granted.

Later on, while I was nursing Elijah to sleep in the bedroom, she was practicing her Chinese writing outside. This is the first time she tried writing her own name based on pure memory from when I had guided her. I found her sitting at the table, deep in thoughts, finger resting on chin (just like me when I'm in thinking hat mode), pick up a chalk and started writing character by character.

陈友惠
(Chen Youhui)

Sometimes I wish I could homeschool her, even though I didn't have to. She's super social and thriving well in her school. 

Raised by two kids

It resonates.

 

Painful pangs

Last night I was doing my nightly ritual with Beth, which was basically talking. We would chat about her 'younger' days. "Remember when I was born?", she'd go.

It was cute.

And a pang of sadness hit me. If only Mabel was around to witness how adorable Beth is now. How chatty, witty and funny she is.

These are the little things that make me unbelievably sad. Happy moments, yet always tinged with a little bittersweet aftertaste.

At times, Beth would ask innocently, "Where is yiyi?". I'd ask "Which one?" and her replies sometimes caught me by surprise as it came out of the blue.

"There", her little fingers pointing to the sky rhetorically.

Yes, yiyi is in Heaven my love.

Sleeping babies

You know what I miss?

This.

My newborn sleeping face next to me when I wake up in the mornings.

When Beth was little and I was still a mum of one, I could stare at her all the time. Just tilt my head down, and there she'd be, all snuggled up next to me with her cherubic features.

Super cute.

Sometimes they'd give you a treat with a lil scrunch of their face or a crinkle in their nose, still in their state of slumber.

Super super cute.

We still co-sleep with Beth (and loving it) so logistically speaking, it gets squeezy to have both of them in bed with me. Beth sticks to me during her sleep, consciously or unconsciously. I've no room to move. Both children flank me on both sides when I bring Elijah to bed during night feeds.

I treasure moments like these when I get to wake up next to Elijah's cute sleeping face.

I wish we've a bigger room to put a bigger bed, something like 2 King size for our expanding brood.

Letter to Mabel: Beth's milestones

I miss you mei. How I wish you can witness the milestones of 'Beth Beth', the way you've always endearingly called her. I miss it so much. 

She is so full of expressions now and I honestly think she's gonna be your best first niece. She was barely 16 months when you were gone. Watching her grow livelier and more communicative everyday makes me miss you too much. It's a bittersweet feeling not having you here marvelling her milestones together. Mummy was ultra delighted when she spoke her first words with her recently, "don't put" she exclaimed when Mummy stashed her toys away. We were all amazed when she recounted it to us.

I attended the wake of Manda's grandma today. I thought of our beloved Ah ma and of course, you too. I never thought this is how our lives would turn out, with you gone too soon.

I've never stopped thinking of you. I didn't know what grief felt like until now. My heart hurts more often these days. Seems like I'm at the next stage of grief but I can't identify it anymore, even if I try. It's a blur between the lines.

I'm not a big fan of hello kitty but because you are, I bought Beth her first hello kitty - hooded beach towel. You would approve :) I could see your eyes light up at the very thought of it. Her cuteness would make you squeal in delight for sure.

It gets harder every day without you. But we get stronger every day too. Knowing you're safe in Jesus' arms gives me alot of comfort.

Family wise, Nick and I are planning for four children. But who knows what God's plans are. We'll take anything we can :)

Mummy misses you everyday, and I feel so much for her. You were so close to her that if not for Beth, she confessed she don't know if she could have found the will to live on. She's also braver and stronger than I imagine. Losing you made us treasure each other even more, and help our relationship grow even deeper than ever before. I'm also trying to fill your (big) shoes, giving her the same kind of care and fillial piety you'd have given her yourself.

I haven't been in contact with Ronald much but he's still very fillial to Mummy. He bought her favourite kueh lapis for mooncake season knowing I'd definitely buy mooncake for her. I miss how much you dig raffles hotel champagne truffle snowskin and wish I could buy for you again every year.

I'm so thankful for all the memories we had together mei :,)

I customised a canvas family portrait from our last photoshoot with Beth and I'm so so very glad we had that wonderful memory to fall back on :) I've gifted it to Mummy who chose the photo herself, she's super super excited about it. She told me you have a lovely dimpled smile :) I agree.

I've been doing charity and donation on your behalf because you've such a good heart like that. I knew it's something you would have done. It makes me feel good too, helping someone in need. I just want you to be proud of us when you look down from heaven, knowing we are leading meaningful lives xx

Small change, huge difference

It was some time last year that I decided I've too much clothes, too many pairs of shoes and heels and way too much accessories and bags. Then I started giving away some of the old stuff that I feel I haven't been using much but still in mint condition. They aren't cheap but are way under-utilised. 

This year, I decided to stop shopping. 

It takes lesser effort than I thought. I haven't even shopped online once this year. Hurrah me!

Consumerism is not gonna get me. 

Let a good year begin :)

Love dangly earrings 

Ending 2011 on a good note

It's the very last day of 2011, what have you done for yourself? Surely 2012 will be even better. With faith, hope and belief, I can feel it coming true.

2011 was a really good year for me in many aspect of the word. I finally learnt to be a better person to my people who mean the world to me. Things were done for them that came from the heart and not out of obligation. In addition, I've learnt to prioritise myself over work. Work is still work after all.

I've always set goals for the year ahead but it was never about health. Yes, I've been taking it for granted. I've never been sick in health. Not really one of severity anyway. I'm no longer 18 but 28 in coming year. I can do late nights no more nor stay slim forever. Thankfully, no lines on my face yet but not taking it for granted either.

I'm not one to go out of my way to make changes. I believe in paying attention to the least consequential things in life that have potential of landing a huge impact in the long run. It's the small details over time that counts.

This new year, I'm going to listen to my health. It's everything to me. Without it, nothing else matters. I pray for constant good health to those around me.

Cheers to doing things differently this coming new year! Have a good one ahead y'all and happy holidays :)

And so we turn One :)

Our first anniversary was nothing short of amazing.

I tried to explain how much I love you...

"I've never love someone so so much before. I used to think I have loved, until I met you...then I realized, no, I've never understood love before today. What I'm saying is, I don't want to lose you. That is how much I love you and the reason for my change."

I have change somehow, for the better I think. It's not easy but you give me hope and reason to go on day after day no matter the season.

To be honest, I'm not really interested to make it work. I'm interested to make it last. Today, you'd have realized I've settled in for the long haul.

You are simply amazing and that is why I love you.

Once again, happy first anniversary babydear.

Love,
Michelle

Riders & The Underwater World

We celebrated our six months together circa end of last month. It was also the end of his finals so it was some sort of double celebration.

We had...

Eggs benedict at Riders Cafe.




He ordered the Wagyu burger which was gastronomic. Yums!













The cable car ride was part of the proposal I wanted to do with him.

Nick asked, "Afraid of heights?" I replied no. There was something telling about his question.













The destination was to visit the aquarium. I had fond childhood memories there as a kid with my family and really wanted to revisit it with someone I love dearly. Nick was game without hesitation.





































I found qualities I admire in my boyfriend: his patience and his passion for things he love or believes in. He's a good man.

To many more adventures together! :)