This hits hard aka Why I chose to be SAHM

I chose to quit my job back then and be a stay home mum because I wasn't getting support from Nick on the workfront.

He literally gave me the ultimatum one day while I was in the backseat of the car tending to young Bethany: Work or Family. He felt I dedicated 'too much time' to work. It wasn't true. I did my bare minimum and if that was too much for him, I know I will never have it all without his support. There and then I knew my decision was to leave my amazing job. There wasn't even a discussion, he just wasn't having it. If I want my job, I had to do it his way. 

That'd be a no from me. Why try so hard when I knew his stand? It's not a hill to die on. My daughter just turned 18 months old and I wanted to spend more time nurturing her and honing this parenting life. Plus, there was another baby in my womb. Her baby brother.

At that time, I also lost my sister to depression and it took every ounce of my energy to not spiral downwards. I really did not need that deal from him.

It was a spiteful and hasty decision; he can have the pleasure of working out our finances after I quit. He was stunned when I bluntly told him my letter of resignation was accepted. I could see the gears turning in his brain. Now he knows where my heart lies: Work never preceded family. It was a good decision in my mind.

But I was resentful. Still am sometimes. I resented him for not being more supportive and understanding. I resented his unforgiving expectations of me. I resented he didn't think it through before opening his mouth. However, I did not regret my decision. It was a choice I made that I knew I can't reverse (I gave up my insurance licence and therefore clientele base). I didn't fight for me, I chose to invest in us.

Coming across this IG post late at night while the kids are sleeping, it unravelled my being.

Even so, I've never regretted my decision to leave my job and be the sole caregiver to my two children. It's a privileged role I'm proud of. I choose God and family over everything else.

Mum life is not rosy. I did get to speak up eventually about leaving my job and we both made peace with that.

This is just one of those stuck between a rock and a hard place decision I had an easy way to overcome: Watch sleeping children sleep. It makes everything right again. They're truly angels when they're asleep. Haha. 

Peace time is sleep time

Not taking this for granted

Bethany is an impressive little girl. I teared watching the video because she's not even 5yo (she turns five end March) but her observation on placement is gamestrong. She didn't miss a beat and knows exactly where each thing is positioned. 

She has been packing at my requests for a few months when I noticed she was keen and willing to help when I'm busy. I didn't even teach her how to pack because I didn't need to. I had no expectations of the end results. She knows by heart the whole layout. I must say she's really my mini me in this aspect. I'm continually touched by her actions, and grace.

In this clip, her hair is still wet after a shower; waiting her turn to be blown dry (watch her flick her hair in the mirror before starting to pack her room) - I'm busy drying Elijah - she is also sick (flu) and exhausted (it's end of day and she's preparing for bedtime). In addition, she has also been packing a few times in a row because her little brother, Elijah kept messing it up. But she does it without complaints at my multiple requests. I sprained my back, and she's my wonderful helper. Probably that is why I teared, she's not feeling her absolute best but she poured her heart and soul into it anyway.

This shows character, and it really can't be taught.

I'll remember not to take this for granted.

Later on, while I was nursing Elijah to sleep in the bedroom, she was practicing her Chinese writing outside. This is the first time she tried writing her own name based on pure memory from when I had guided her. I found her sitting at the table, deep in thoughts, finger resting on chin (just like me when I'm in thinking hat mode), pick up a chalk and started writing character by character.

陈友惠
(Chen Youhui)

Sometimes I wish I could homeschool her, even though I didn't have to. She's super social and thriving well in her school. 

Acts of Service

Sometimes he gets on my nerves, and I especially hate it when he ignores or doesn't acknowledge me when I'm talking.

Yet, I don't praise him enough. He cleans the house every alternate week on top of our fortnightly cleaning aunty. Not even trying to impress me, but because he wants to do it. Because dust is his nemesis.

Regardless of our differences, we make a damn good team (even when we are not very good teammates).

*hearts in eyes*

Raised by two kids

It resonates.

 

Chill mom

After battling stomach flu the whole of last week as a family - started with Elijah and ended with Bethany; Nick and I were not spared either. It finally culminated yesterday that I was so overcome by exhaustion, I hadn't known what rest felt like in ages.

Today, or rather right now, after watching an online sermon, and maybe it has to do with my mentrual cycle (Day 15), I feel relaxed, calm and serene. Pure bliss. Elijah is napping, Beth in school. 25° weather. A cup of hot Darjeeling and snacks. I haven't felt this great since my last depressive episode. This calls for a post 🎉.

And a dash of milk always makes delicious Darjeeling.

Impromptu beach day X Family Valentine's

It was supposed to be our Valentine's Day without the kids. I even booked museum tickets. Funny thing is we don't even celebrate when we were dating but when you're married, dating becomes the real deal...well because kids right? Our couple time is much more precious! However, both our parents weren't able to look after our children so we went on an impromptu family beach date! Oh man it's been two months since we last went for water play.

Pictures for prosperity's sake because I'm very happy today. Kids were pleasant. Meal times were pleasant. Car rides pleasant. Everything pleasant. Peaceful day out.

(Oh I forgot mobile site doesn't function properly anymore - meaning I can't add photos. Regardless, I'm going to bed happy and contented tonight.)

UPDATE: SILLY ME! I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T NOTICED HOW I CAN SCROLL RIGHT TO EXPLORE MORE FUNCTIONS. Googling paid off!

Beth's digital doodles of us - she always add long hair to mine and constantly ask why I don't have it. I can only say I am starting to be wavered and growing it out. Hahaha.

Low mood

Havent felt this way in a while. The last I felt this empty was so long ago I can't even recall (thanks to my selectively bad memory). Then again, I recall nothing unhappy. My brain erases bad memories, I suspect.

At first I thought it was PMDD - it'd have sucked - but it didn't feel that serious. I don't know how to even describe this hollowness inside me. Did it even start from the moment my sis died? I have no answers.

Insomnia tonight because my mind is so overwhelmed I thought it might self implode.

I feel sad, hopeless, empty and burdened. I feel so heavy, like a lead. I'm drowning inside but no one sees. I'm crying without tears. I let this feeling engulf me, I have no will nor energy to stop it. Battling it is moot, I tried.

This pandemic is both a charm and a curse. It slowed everything down but not me, I'm living such a fast paced life I have no functioning brakes. I can't seem to slow down - what am I afraid of? I want and need to rest, yet I'm afraid to slow down - afraid of what I'm not sure.

Tiredness is my default. Depression is on the horizon. I am tired of being needed. Now I know why kids are cute - so you'll still love them even when your patience runs out.

Tonight, I am not a mother, wife or daughter. My identity is a child of God, seeking rest and restoration. In Him, I finally found peace.