Convalescing

First sick leave taken for the year. An achievement given that I literally bulldozed through January in a healthy state. Was looking at my average MCs taken last year and found that I took approximately 1 MC per month. Hmm. Very interesting.

Anyway, I'm down with tonsillitis and recovering from a fever caused by my throat inflammation. Haven't had fever for so long I forgot how it felt. Thankful for my buddy at work who is holding the fort while I'm resting. And really helpful to have Nick by my side when my body refuses to cooperate. 

Not one to be okay about falling sick. Most of the time I can be in denial until the diagnosis is made and I don't have a choice but to admit that I need to rest. 

I'm a little stubborn that way. 

Had a really bad dream (probably cos I'm sick) and was woken up by a coughing fit. And secretly relieved to see Nick already awake and glancing at me while patting the chest to comfort my coughiness. 

Came across this article on Facebook from ThoughtCatalog. Felt a strong emotion tug at my heart and knew I somehow had to archive this. 

How The People We Once Loved Become Strangers Again

FEB. 19, 2014 By BRIANNA WIEST

It’s interesting to think about how we make people who used to be everything into nothing again. How we learn to forget. How we force forgetting. What we put in place of them in the interim. The dynamics afterward always tell you more than what the relationship did — grief is a faster teacher than joy – but what does it mean when you cycle out to being strangers again? Because you never really stop knowing each other in that way. Maybe there’s no choice but to make them someone different in your mind, not the person who knew your daily anxieties and what you looked like naked and what made you cry and how much you loved them.

When our lives revolve around someone, they don’t just stop revolving around them even if all that’s left is the grief and pain that comes with their memory. Because you loved them, there will always be parts of them that linger. The memories that are impressed on the places you went and the things you said and the songs you listened to will remain. We all eventually find ourselves standing in the checkout line, hearing one of those songs come on and realizing that all of a sudden, we’re revolving around them again. And maybe we never stopped.

Do you ever really forget your lovers’ birthdays, or all your first times, intimate and not? Do your anniversaries ever become normal days of the year again? Are the things you did and promises you made ever really neutralized? Do they become void now that you’re broken up or do you decidedly ignore them because there’s simply no other choice? The mind tells you to go on, and forces your heart to follow suit I guess.

I want to believe that you either love someone, in some way, forever, or you never really loved them at all. That once two reactive chemicals cross both are changed. That the wounds we leave in people are sometimes too raw to risk falling back into them. I don’t want to believe that we write each other off because we simply don’t matter anymore. I know love isn’t expendable. I wonder, and maybe hope, if we ever just force it to be out of that necessity.

Maybe it’s just that we’re all at the centers of our own little universes, and sometimes they overlap with other people’s, and that small bit of intersection leaves some part of it changed; that’s where we grow together. The collision can wreck us, change us, shift us; sometimes we become eternally undetachable and connected and other times we decidedly move away because the change required to accept another person’s universe colliding with yours is a safety we don’t want to leave. Either way, it’s inevitable that your universe expands. That you’re left knowing that much more about love and what it can do, and the pain that only a hole in your heart can bring. Whether or not that hole will ever again include the person who made it that way, that’s for you to decide.

We all start as strangers. The choices we make in terms of love are usually ones that seem inevitable anyway. We find people irrationally compelling. We find souls made of the same stuff ours are. We find classmates and partners and neighbors and family friends and cousins and sisters and our lives intersect in a way that makes them feel like they couldn’t have ever been separate. And this is lovely. But the ease and access isn’t what we crave. It isn’t what I’m writing about right now. It isn’t what we revolve around after it’s gone. We are all just waiting for another universe to collide with ours, to change what we can’t ourselves. To fill us, to make us whole. It’s interesting how afterwards, we realize that the storm returns to calm, but the stars are always changed and we don’t choose whose collisions change us. We all start as strangers. But we forget that often, the only thing we do choose is who ends up a stranger too.

Freedom

I tried to look into the eyes of a man who wants his freedom. Someone who's protective of his space. How can we share a future together? Did I get it all wrong?

On a positive note, today marks the beginning of a brand new journey. Somewhere I wanna be for a while. Farewells are emotional but they're also necessary for future growth. I'll miss my co workers. They've been a great bunch of people to be around. Here's to a good break. 

an elapsed mantra

Until you wait for the right time, things will be a standstill.

There is no right time.

Strike while the iron is hot.

Strike or get strike.

Just do it.

Once in hesitation, time has slipped on by.

You lose the momentum.

Be spontaneous.

Get inspired.

You will be rewarded.

i just realized

we will never be the same again.

we keep walking in opposite directions. when we slow down, throw a backward glance over our shoulders, pause to think, the same is not really the same.

you keep running back to the exact scene that made you run forward. how many times have you let your guards down when it should be up? amble ahead when you should stop and think? stand when you should sit? work when you should take a break? grieve when you should smile?

pardon my wistfulness but happiness didn't always come easy.

and sometimes happiness can be quite phony.

i wanna feel pampered

you realized you are getting older when you have more weddings to attend:

September - Anya and Firuz, my boss'

October - Sheena's sis Sherlynn

December - Daffy and XJ

you start to worry about things like money, wrinkles, love handles, and finding a nice man who doesn't irritate you.

anyway, we celebrated ying's 25th on friday. trying to dump all the pictures online and load it up on facebook. ying loved those photos so i'm going to load it all up for her tonight, despite being dog tired.

the girl is suffering from jet lag. i hope you're feeling much better today! :)

one (wo)man's trash is another (wo)man's treasure

The simplest thing that doesn't mean anything to you will mean the world to someone else.

the theory

decided to catch an evening flick with the girls today. Mall Cop was a laugh but it was easily forgettable. i cracked up seeing kevin james bouncing and flipping around. his role gave a whole new definition to cheesy entertainment.

at cat's suggestion, our movie was had at Film Garde, located at the new Iluma building in Bugis. new shopping centres are a joy, i quipped to cia. my point is, new things are always exciting. people get bored with the status quo. i like changes. i embrace change with wide open arms.

despite all these changes over the years, i'm still the same grounded person inside. maybe happier. maybe wiser. and maybe even prettier. but i still reminisce about the good old days. they formed the firm foundation for my later years. for that, i'm really grateful with what i've been given. after all, life has treated me well. save for one tough lesson which eventually made me emerge stronger.

no matter, there are things that will never change. and never should.

cliched as it seems, good moments are aplenty. but let's not dismiss the bad times. they are there to make the good times that much sweeter.

in all honesty, i've never been more convinced by that theory than now. =)

you were always on my mind

thought i'd like to pen this down while it's still fresh in my mind.

how does sentimental women fare in the sea of love? given the baggage they carry over to the next relationship, would they be less in demand and undesirable?

say to say, i do think so. if i were a man seeking a relationship, i wouldnt be attracted to women with too much baggage. its too much work. but when is a baggage in excess? i guess it depends. either way, we are better off being upfront about it.

the only good that came out of it is that we're more sensitive towards the feelings of others. perhaps more empathy, and less critical.

i think i speak for alot of us. and this entry didnt come out of nowhere.

i'm tired

...of guys or men.

while others are searching for the right one like crazy, i've been keeping all of them at arm's length like crazy.

it's getting harder to persuade myself that i need that kind of love because i'm actually happiest on my own. and sanest too.

i feel sad and vulnerable today. because i finally get it - why men cheat or lie. they do it because they can. once a liar, always a liar. there's really no stopping them once you start believing in their lies. then they go on to create more lies (needed to cover the first lie). it builds on and on and finally, they start believing in their own lies.

we cant stop the cheaters or liars. but we can spot them. and leave.

love me? what a pack of lies.

these days

things are looking up, up, up these days.

wish i have more time for this space.
i miss connecting.

because my machine is so slow these days thanks to mega games installation by my dear sibling who will be away for the next few days vacationing, i find it increasingly difficult to upload photos. and because i find it hard to upload, i have trouble blogging.

i could blog about a million things but i thought the photos will be most fun to blog about since well, it was also fun to begin with.

these days, i miss the olden days in school. not because these days are hard but because those days were rocking mighty fine.

i miss you and you, who created a well of memories back in those olden days. we should never be made to feel old. i say we cast away the fears of tomorrow and live life unintended.

the only fear i have is not making the most out of my life.

watch out for this space till the photos find its way here =)

in 5 years' time...

it was just announced by our MM Lee that the world economy will need that amount of time to recover even without involving the bank scandal.

interestingly. he also touched on "assortative mating" (which i was more interested in actually) i.e. going out with someone at your level.

he said: "I have explained this. I think I lost votes after I explained the awful truth. Nobody believed it, but slowly it dawned on them, especially the graduates, that yes, you marry a non—graduate, then you worry about whether or not your son or daughter is going to make it to the university."

i hadnt expected the senior minister to be so upfront like that and while i agree to a certain extent, i felt that perhaps i was more exposed to smart people whom have not had the opportunity to go through the school system at an advanced level. but once again, this is a personal issue and i've known graduates going out with non-graduates. i've also heard of a uni graduate marrying a non- uni graduate (they appeared on tv together and it must also be noted that the uni graduate wifey was prominently more outspoken when being interviewed).

also, when i mentioned smart people, i don't mean them as book-smart but street-smart. i've known some book-smart people and i agree they are highly intelligent being and holds an intellectually meaningful conversation but in all honesty, they cant beat the street smart people i know who can be incredibly book-smart too if that happens to be their key interest.

on the same social front, our neighbour across the causeway hasnt been very clean in their milk products. and ack! nissin cup noodles were being recalled too due to insecticide scandal. they were my sis' once beloved midnight supper supplies. she planned to throw them out when i showed her the article.

why is the world like that?

in bad times like this, well, go organic go!

there. a quickie (update) when i've got the time. it's back to my work for now. oh and on another note, what a quiet quiet sunday! no rain, hurrah! and apologies to my friends who has been asking me out but whom i hasnt been spending this long weekend with.

...im effectively wondering about what will it be like for me and the people i know in 5 years' time.

things i plan to achieve for myself before i die

• give back to society
• be my own boss
  
• have a complete walk-in wardrobe
  
• own a volkswagen
  
• travel first class to holiday destinations
  
• attend all my best friend's wedding
  
• bungee jump
• fall deeply in love for the last time

a prayer

dear God

im starting on my dianette this very night and i hope i wont get to experience any horror stories of weight gain, hair loss, eye dryness, nauseousness, migraine and especially baaad mood swings. instead, please bless me with clear beautiful skin like a crystal that glows.

amen!

go green - in more ways than one

you are what you eat. its true. im a firm believer. but striking a balance is what works for me - thats been my health motto since forever.

my colleagues are really embracing the health culture at work. i feel really happy for them cos i know they're going to feel real good about themselves after the diet. a long term committal change in diet makes all the difference in the world. ive been through a stage where i was once extremely health conscious but i gave up and diverted my attention towards indulgent food during the uni days when projects and exams meant stress coupled with a really bad patch i was going through...i kinda lost all logical health sense and feasted on comfort food to keep my sanity afloat. i sucked it all in - my problems, feelings and sorrow. instead, i chased after the short term happiness i found in "happy" food - literally, food that makes me happy.

till now, its still a lil hard to revert to my old healthy diet of fruits, veg and soupy food. i figured im never going to fully regain the old diet but one baby step at a time sounds pretty darn good to me right now.

i should first aim to sleep between 6 to 9 hours to get the ball rolling. then i wouldnt be late for work so often. well, im working on it but it takes a while for the body to readjust to the new routine that it hasnt been subjected to for the past few years.

i dont know how im going to get that amount of sleep in, but im gonna try.

its my intern's last day today [technically] and we're gonna hold a mini celebration for him at phu. i had some pretty wild fun the last time i was there with my ladies. =)

aight world, im gonna try and fulfill my decision of retiring to bed earlier. so there, goodnight!

whats in my mind

being in a relationship is appealing to me.

but the status quo of hot and single but not looking for love appeals to me more. im not looking for passion but a passionate guy. there's an underlying irresistible charm about them.

im waiting to meet a like minded soul like that.

will the wait be worth while? we'll see.

even if the day is almost over..

i can so identify with this



everything sounds precariously close to the truth.

while i was laying in bed during the wee hours of the morning [technically it was 1ish AM], i had a thought - a sudden one. the thought soon became an answer. i knew it had to be. it makes so much sense...why i had been kept waiting for so long. i did not dismiss the thought; it wasnt a painful one. this thought was a strong realization of who he is or has become. such naive misguided feelings contained within the abyss of my soul all throughout this long wait and who do i blame but myself.

over some time, seeking out novelty was your convenient way of justifying past events. i wont and cant stop you. its your prerogative. its not wrong, but its not right either.

"no one knows the real me now or what im capable of doing", those were words uttered in contempt.

i tried to understand where it was coming from. i grappled with it for a long time. maybe i missed out something during our talks? but i surrendered in defeat. it was beyond me. meaning to help out of concern but deemed more of a burden, i had left behind irreparable mess and destruction. thus i resolve not to get involved anymore. it will hold true to the end, a verbal agreement i made under duress and in tears.

i still wish you the best, thats all i can muster after coming to terms with it this time round.

im glad a few of the answers were found even if some were conjured to fill the gaping hole.

i can say this using a hundred different ways but it all means the same thing - love is a double edged sword. it cannot be farther from the truth. it serve as a reminder of my irrecoverable youth rather than intended for anyone of you.

unfortunately, im letting all these gnaw away at me tonight because im not strong enough to repel it. because i can feel the PMS trudging along looking for a friend to infect.

i finally understood why my eye has been twitching for the duration of this whole week. the wiser sis quipped i havent been getting enough sleep.

aye! aye!

no wonder i felt so testy the entire day! and churn out such emotional entry as a result.

dear readers, i cannot and should not be taken seriously tonight.

well, more work related event happening tomorrow. i dont wanna be stuck here all night long. gonna let my body run under a nice hot-warm water to de-tense the mind and body.

enjoy all but a great weekend ahead!

moderation? checked!

food is God's greatest gift methinks. im the type of person who live to eat. good food can be soo orgasmic.

but sometimes too much of a good stuff is an overkill.

i lust for good plain (read: original) ole yogurt with no added sugar. oh the things i ingest to keep the system healthy.