Keeping the score

Looking at air fryers online, in the middle of the night, and my chest tightens. The body remembers grief. 

Just before Mabel died, she had requested for my mum to replace a toaster oven that broke down. My mum was finally on it, shortlisting options, and was going to make the purchase the week she passed. I'll forever painfully remember the look of regret on my mum's face as she remarked matter of factly how much my sister, her cherished daughter, wanted to replace the oven, and my mum couldn't get around to it for months, and she was waiting quietly, passively, despite needing it to cook her favourite meals... All the meals she could have had before she ended her life, if she had a working one. It crushed my mum that she had let down her kid. 

For this reason alone, I don't own one. And we also don't talk about it. This hurting core memory digged deep.

The mind wants to move on, is accepting of the circumstances and reality, but the body holds the score.

Halfway there

Last night, in the midst of my bedtime routine, a mere thought struck me: I'm 40 this year. And it quickly manifested into grief when a sense of profound loss slowly find it's way into my conscious mere thought.

I have ever imagined how growing old with my sister and our families would be like. Will we still like each other or will we drift? Will we have petty quarrels or make silly jokes? Will we be the best of friends or will we not bear the sight of each other? Will we reminisce and chat about life? Will we like cooking for each other and being companions? Will we live closeby or poles apart? What do I do with all these regrets and lifelong wishes I have buried along with her death? How do I go on another 40 years missing you and the time we'll never get to spend together, the jokes we'll never make, the food we'll never cook for each other, the love we'll never share again...

I'm still trying to heal my heart while living life and raising a family. I wish in the next 40 years of my life I'll have no more heartaches that I cannot bear.

Baby Hope

Welcome to our family, lil Hope ❤️ Jiu jiu, jiu ma, and your cousins Bethany and Elijah loves you!

Love this shot that was taken by Bethany

She made a card for her favourite gugu & ah tio

Aww I'm sure you do sweetie!

Our family tree just grew! Haha this was Bethany's school work!

Thank you Ethan and Alina for bringing her into our lives too! Bethany seems to think baby looks like her and Elijah's young baby self, I don't disagree!

New year, NIL photos

Ha! Let me explain. It's rare I don't whip out my camera to capture an act or two for posterity's sake. But we had so much fun today I really didn't see the need to get a shot in; we are already making core memories.

We also found out Elijah have ADHD, and it's been super interesting to observe signs and symptoms, something I've always wondered about since he was two years old and he's turning 4.5yo this January. 

It does get tiring and overwhelming sometimes but I totally get why I got chosen to be his mama - I'm his biggest advocate! 

As he grew, it got easier to care for him due to linguistics, comprehension and executive skills improvement, making it easier to understand him, and getting him to cooperate and even help out.

I temporarily took him out of swim class recently due to his bad nasal sinusitis, a major double whammy on top of his ADHD. In future, I will also explore high energy classes he will enjoy. Finding something he is good at and turning that into his superpower is one of the strategies in the toolbox. 

He's super strong, very solidly build for a young kid, very flexible, agile and into high impact, energetic movements. You know what I'm thinking? Dancing! From a young age, he gravitates towards upbeat music, he's really bendy and uses full range of motion to express himself. We'll see if I read him correctly later on. 

Bethany is starting her Primary One journey and I've no qualms she will thrive with her natural enthusiasm and zest for new challenges. She fared very well socio-emotionally in her last two schools, also Sunday School. She's going to be an extrovert like her mum, navigating school life tactfully. I thank god for a prodigious first born.

She's my pride, she's got my strong social genes. He's my joy, one cheeky pout or liner and nobody can bear being upset at him. I'm so privileged to be their mummy. 

 

New year, NIL photos and new transition. Big year for the Wan-Tans. I won't bother concealing the hint of excitement in my tone, because the optimist in me can't wait to see 2024 unfold.

Blessed new year from my family to yours 🎈