This hits hard aka Why I chose to be SAHM

I chose to quit my job back then and be a stay home mum because I wasn't getting support from Nick on the workfront.

He literally gave me the ultimatum one day while I was in the backseat of the car tending to young Bethany: Work or Family. He felt I dedicated 'too much time' to work. It wasn't true. I did my bare minimum and if that was too much for him, I know I will never have it all without his support. There and then I knew my decision was to leave my amazing job. There wasn't even a discussion, he just wasn't having it. If I want my job, I had to do it his way. 

That'd be a no from me. Why try so hard when I knew his stand? It's not a hill to die on. My daughter just turned 18 months old and I wanted to spend more time nurturing her and honing this parenting life. Plus, there was another baby in my womb. Her baby brother.

At that time, I also lost my sister to depression and it took every ounce of my energy to not spiral downwards. I really did not need that deal from him.

It was a spiteful and hasty decision; he can have the pleasure of working out our finances after I quit. He was stunned when I bluntly told him my letter of resignation was accepted. I could see the gears turning in his brain. Now he knows where my heart lies: Work never preceded family. It was a good decision in my mind.

But I was resentful. Still am sometimes. I resented him for not being more supportive and understanding. I resented his unforgiving expectations of me. I resented he didn't think it through before opening his mouth. However, I did not regret my decision. It was a choice I made that I knew I can't reverse (I gave up my insurance licence and therefore clientele base). I didn't fight for me, I chose to invest in us.

Coming across this IG post late at night while the kids are sleeping, it unravelled my being.

Even so, I've never regretted my decision to leave my job and be the sole caregiver to my two children. It's a privileged role I'm proud of. I choose God and family over everything else.

Mum life is not rosy. I did get to speak up eventually about leaving my job and we both made peace with that.

This is just one of those stuck between a rock and a hard place decision I had an easy way to overcome: Watch sleeping children sleep. It makes everything right again. They're truly angels when they're asleep. Haha. 

Peace time is sleep time

Acts of Service

Sometimes he gets on my nerves, and I especially hate it when he ignores or doesn't acknowledge me when I'm talking.

Yet, I don't praise him enough. He cleans the house every alternate week on top of our fortnightly cleaning aunty. Not even trying to impress me, but because he wants to do it. Because dust is his nemesis.

Regardless of our differences, we make a damn good team (even when we are not very good teammates).

*hearts in eyes*

Counselling

11 sessions of marriage therapy + 1 single session of grief and loss concluded the last session with our counsellor, with an open date.

The sessions has always been good and helpful. Since we started counselling in mid August last year, 9 months of therapy has helped improve and strengthen our understanding of each other and I dare say that has renewed our marriage spiritually and emotionally.

With my impending delivery of Elijah in another 2 months' time and also the fact I feel we had held ourselves together very well despite a 2 months hiatus from our final session - previous session in March - which had never happened before, I boldly initiated a cessation with Carol.

I enjoyed our sessions so much and was actually reluctant to stop but I knew commitment would be an issue once our baby boy is born. I also feel ready to let go of our dependency on Carol, and to work our way to the next level in our marriage - to have peace and mutual understanding.

I'll never know what to expect with our marriage lifeline cut off. Truth is also, I've never felt happier and stronger than now. I have faith in Nick and in our future as a family of four and perhaps more. God is surely in this with us as he has always been, binding us together as one in a trinity knot.

I'm not afraid anymore. I am not grieving anymore. I'm not even the same person anymore. I still shed tears on special occasions and holiday seasons when I think of my sister but I know she is happy and free now. I already know I'll meet her one day and I look forward to that. Now, I just need to live my life without regrets so I don't waste a single moment of it as a mother, daughter, wife and friend.

My life reborn as a grieving sister is a gift. Grief has been my best teacher and I'm learning more than I've ever learnt. Grieving more certainly doesn't bring anyone back so I've learnt to let go and let God direct. To my grieving friends, the epiphany will come in your grieving journey one day. Until then, you'll learn so much more than you ever have. 

Now you can see why I have so much to live for, before I go on to live with Angels in heaven and to meet a special angel, whom I call my darling sister.