Photos from the past

From time to time, I'll scroll through baby photos of Beth. Each time I scroll to June 2018 my heart would drop; it's the last birthday month we'll ever celebrate with my sis, and we didn't had a good celebration at all. Long story short, it could have been better. I didn't know she already had plans to kill herself. It was painful to see happy photos of ourselves from that timeline. Her death ruined those moments. Perhaps one day I'll see it differently, for now the knowledge and awareness killed the good times for that two months she decided to act on her suicide plans.

July 2018 was the month she left us. She had probably been planning for almost 2 months, and there were a few triggers but none as fatal as the one that happened day before her passing.

I do realise I spent more time writing about my sis after her death than about motherhood, the kids, my life as a stay home mum. Frankly, grief and sadness motivated me to record my thoughts. Looking back, I wrote whenever I was unhappy. Through blogging, new reflections surfaced, thoughts internalised, and memories created - the story unfolds.

When I don't have time to write, I pray. I pray a lot and I pray over everything big and small. Praying sustain my sanity. God sustains me. All things are possible with God, therefore nothing is impossible. God knows I longed to see Mabel again. May that day bring me right back where I belong.