My sister, my love

I think I'm at the stage where I cry over everything and very randomly too. I get very bad mood swings this time round. It's rare I get such major mood disorders around my period.

I've lashed out at everyone around me and it wasn't normal behaviour. I felt it coming and I couldn't stop it.

I would walk from living room to kitchen and just stop dead in my tracks to sob heart wrenching uncontrollable tears of sorrow. Beth would run to me and huddle around my legs hugging my thighs and pulling me down to cuddle and shower me with cute kisses while saying "ohhh". Her version of "aww". Afterwards I'd stretch out my hands to ask her for a big big hug and kisses which she dispenses generously.

I went back to my parents' place on Sunday and couldn't bear to be in the house. It drove me a bit nuts to stay there for too long. I really respect my mum so much for her strength and courage to live on in spite of mei mei's demise in the house. At the same time, I really feel so so bad for her. I wish she would stay with me so I can take care of her.

I miss my sis so much and found it hard to believe she's gone. I yearn for our sisterly chats and bonding over good food and holiday trips. I miss how she's always so sweet to me, yet I didn't show her enough how much she means to me. I regret being nasty to her, I regret calling her names. I wished I had been a better elder sister to her, instead of having her act like the bigger sis she wasn't supposed to be. I wished she knew how precious she was to us.

Depression really sucked. I wished I had done more. I do blame myself sometimes, even though I understand it was her decision. I wished I was there for her more. I can't believe she's gone just like that. It's getting harder to bear. The loss is simply too much, too great.

While I know it's fine to be not okay, this feeling is just awful. Knowing I can't do anything to reverse the process kills me.

I realised the same scene kept haunting me day and night. The same phonecall, same panicked tone over the phone, the venue I was at when I received the call, the heaviness in my stomach when I heard the news, the words uttered from my mouth "Is she still breathing?", the reply on the other line...

It kills me. It kills me to know I won't be spending any more festivities with her. No more CNY hand holding sister shots. It was a tradition that I loved. No more gluttony meals with her, salivating over her delicious Japanese food, a favourite of hers.

I miss our tete-a-tetes. Who else can I confide in now? I wished I had shown her more love. I genuinely miss her so so much.

She is my Wan & only best sister act I could ever ask for and I miss her every single day.