Letter to Mabel: Ending 2018

Leaving 2018 means leaving the year you still existed. I wasn't afraid of losing you, until I lost you. And now I'm afraid to step out of this year because facing 2019 will be the hardest thing to do.

It is so easy to wallow in self pity, so tempting. I struggled to celebrate Christmas, and now I'm struggling to celebrate New Year. I am still mourning and struggling to enjoy this long drawn festive season. No I am not punishing myself, I am just trying to grieve without letting it overwhelm me, taking note not to embrace this sadness for too long at a time.

You know, Pamela & Alfred's mum just passed away very recently due to cancer. Her niche is just a few rows below yours. I feel so much for them even though I was never close to their mum. Do you know 小姑姑 is only in her mid fifties? Another death in the Wannies this year, one too many.

30 December - I am exactly ten weeks along today, and it is also Beth's 21 months milestone. Just thought you'd like to know :)

My heart still aches, not so much for Mummy as I'm sure she is aching in her own way. I am learning to own my grieving, so I can learn to let go eventually. Grieving on behalf of Mummy has been very draining. So many times, I subconsciously grieved because I feel for Mummy for losing her most beloved daughter, she loved you so much I'm sure you know.

Carrying this sadness around is new to me, I never knew this much sadness until you were gone. Yet I also learnt more wonderful things about you in death than when you were around in person. Posthumous much?

I always knew you loved and respected me through your actions, but I didn't know you'd proudly tell all your friends about it.

I always knew you were kind and helpful, but I didn't know you've touched so many people's lives.

I always knew you were unhappy and self critical, but I didn't know despite your unhappiness, you brought so much laughter and sunshine into other people's lives that many were just in disbelief you suffered from depression.

I always believed in you. You were smart, beautiful, kind and loving. I wished depression hasn't taken you first.

In reality, my mind still talks to you, my heart still looks for you but my soul knows that you're at peace.

So be at peace my little sister ❤️

Till the day we meet again xx