A letter to Mabel: Aloysius Pang

Mei, if you're still around to witness this, you'll be shocked and saddened by news of Aloysius Pang's death. He's only 28. I like him.

I cried when news of his death broke. I expected him to pull through, he's young and healthy. In the end, his internal injuries were too much for his young body to bear.

When I said I cried, I was actually grieving and mourning his loss. I don't even know him except on TV but I felt his loss so deeply.

I started to miss you so much. His death triggered me emotionally and I couldn't stop moping. I wish you were still here with us on this family staycation which you were always supposed to be a part of.

For the first time in a long while after you died, I was actually happy from within. Until I accidentally called out your name infront of Mummy, Nick & Beth like I was addressing you to do something for me. It felt so natural calling your name that everyone was shocked, especially me. For a split second, I really thought I was crazy. I knew you weren't around anymore, I wasn't delusional. It was a Freudian slip, not sure if it was my first but definitely unusual.

Mummy confessed she still calls you by mistake when she's addressing Papa. It's even harder for her after living together with you for 33 years.

Off topic, I bought this hello kitty beach towel for Beth, I just wanted her to get acquainted with your favourite cartoon character even though I'm not much of a cartoon fan.

Isn't she cute beyond words? I knew you'd approve :)

I'm afraid, mei. Beth is growing very quickly and I don't want her to forget you. It's hard for me to talk about you without sadness but I try to remind her of her awesome yiyi whenever I can. There are a few framed pictures of you and Beth, I hope she'll never forget you even if she has few memories.

Back to Aloysius, Mummy told me she feels heartache for his family. The whole nation is grieving over his irreplaceable loss, as a Parent, Sibling, Friend and Loved ones. It has impacted Singapore so greatly, almost in likeness to the time we mourned heart-wrenchingly for LKY.

A young life gone too soon, leaving behind unfulfilled wishes and unfinished business, just like you mei. I know he's in a good place now, and I hope you meet him in heaven :)

Till we meet again mei xx

New Year, Same Old Me

I've officially given up my Prudential license. Ever since my sister's passing, I've been unable to focus on work. It's been rough. I'm taking this time to be a stay home mum, to focus on family and self.

I realised it's just what I needed.

My mum has been sending me photos of my sister. Missing her so much now with CNY around the corner. Have I mentioned how much I love CNY? I am really feeling the loss this time, in my favourite season without my favourite being.

My mum has been coming over more often to play with Beth and I love having her around. Having my mum around makes me happy. She's the best.

Wordsmith

Letter to Mabel: Ending 2018

Leaving 2018 means leaving the year you still existed. I wasn't afraid of losing you, until I lost you. And now I'm afraid to step out of this year because facing 2019 will be the hardest thing to do.

It is so easy to wallow in self pity, so tempting. I struggled to celebrate Christmas, and now I'm struggling to celebrate New Year. I am still mourning and struggling to enjoy this long drawn festive season. No I am not punishing myself, I am just trying to grieve without letting it overwhelm me, taking note not to embrace this sadness for too long at a time.

You know, Pamela & Alfred's mum just passed away very recently due to cancer. Her niche is just a few rows below yours. I feel so much for them even though I was never close to their mum. Do you know 小姑姑 is only in her mid fifties? Another death in the Wannies this year, one too many.

30 December - I am exactly ten weeks along today, and it is also Beth's 21 months milestone. Just thought you'd like to know :)

My heart still aches, not so much for Mummy as I'm sure she is aching in her own way. I am learning to own my grieving, so I can learn to let go eventually. Grieving on behalf of Mummy has been very draining. So many times, I subconsciously grieved because I feel for Mummy for losing her most beloved daughter, she loved you so much I'm sure you know.

Carrying this sadness around is new to me, I never knew this much sadness until you were gone. Yet I also learnt more wonderful things about you in death than when you were around in person. Posthumous much?

I always knew you loved and respected me through your actions, but I didn't know you'd proudly tell all your friends about it.

I always knew you were kind and helpful, but I didn't know you've touched so many people's lives.

I always knew you were unhappy and self critical, but I didn't know despite your unhappiness, you brought so much laughter and sunshine into other people's lives that many were just in disbelief you suffered from depression.

I always believed in you. You were smart, beautiful, kind and loving. I wished depression hasn't taken you first.

In reality, my mind still talks to you, my heart still looks for you but my soul knows that you're at peace.

So be at peace my little sister ❤️

Till the day we meet again xx

Memorial necklace & Bird's nest ❤️

This means a lot to me :') Thank you my loves.

Very special memorial pendant engraved with my sister's and my initials M.W. both ways :') I love it

Shortly after the girls left, I ordered my dinner online and within minutes there was a very hurried and urgent knock on my door. I knew it couldn't be dinner because it was too fast. When I took it from the deliveryman, it was hot and heavy for a small parcel. I knew it was food.

Thank you hpy for the thoughtful gesture, my mum who happened to see it was equally touched. I know you meant to pamper me, and I loved it. Thought of my sis too because this is her absolute favourite.

You guys are my bestest friends from secondary school and have seen me at my worst. There is nothing more I need to say to express my thanks and love, because I've said it all :)

You, and many of my good good friends have been standing by my side all these while, silently supporting and cheering me. 

Losing someone is always hard. But you guys made it much better to bear with your big big hearts and generosity towards me :') 

I've since lost my lustre and shine because a part of me feels lost and lonely despite having the warmth and love of family and friends. It's so hard to admit but I know it to be true. I took it out on Nick a lot because I no longer care about his feelings (because I'm hurting a lot). It's not that I don't love him. On the contrary, I love him and want him to be there for me. I have lesser forbearance towards Nick and when he pisses me off unnecessarily, I rage. I treat him like a kid and just have a go at him. I don't put up with him like I used to because I no longer have capacity. My tank feels drained and void.

Therapy was necessary for us because he wasn't able to support me in my grief; he was insensitive and hurtful. We have to protect our marriage from all these rush of raw and exposed emotions that were new to us, and I must say he's doing very well in being a good listener and understands my grief in a way that makes me feel understood and safe when I talk about it (and I do it a lot).

Nick is an awesome husband and father but we have our disagreements that are just difficult to resolve because we're equally stubborn. A character trait so ingrained we find hard to change.

If we were to rely on our own strengths to keep our marriage intact, we'd have failed. God has always been keeping and protecting our marriage. I turn to Him in good and bad times. But I honestly found it much harder to turn to Him in the latter. Sorrow just doesn't want companion.

I just can't.

As I drone on and on, Christmas is already upon us. How bittersweet, the first of many difficult holidays to celebrate without my little sister around.

Hope

Found myself back in the comfort spot of my kitchen, nursing a nauseous gig. A spot that holds many memories as I sat here night after night yearning for my dear dead sister. This pregnancy is harder than I thought.

I misses her calls to check on my pregnancy, hear my rants and being my supportive sister.

I had dreaded this moment when I am at my most vulnerable (being pregnant), yet having to calm my emotions so it won't affect my pregnancy. I already knew this would be the toughest part of my journey. I have no solution, only willpower and self control.

I pray for God to heal my broken heart as I become the ideal nesting place for my little hope baby.

I nicknamed our baby Hope, which is what s/he is :)

Having my EDD around my sister's death anniversary seems to bring hope. I am still resentful at the events surrounding her death and will probably take a very long time, if ever to reconcile with some people, especially myself.

Right now, I just need to take one step at a time and watch where I place my next footing.

I know before long, I'll have my hope in my arms and it'll take away some of the pain.

Mei, how I wish Heaven had a phone 

so I can hear your voice one more time.

My heart hurts alot today

Depressed and hormonal

Feeling extra hormonal today. Attended our 6th therapy session and felt regression in our marriage - don't get me wrong, we're seeking therapy to strengthen our marriage, not because there's any serious undercurrent going on.

I feel super lousy today. Thought of my sis while walking the exact path when I first received the dreaded news and just felt so horribly emotional and heavy hearted. I just couldn't stop thinking of her as I retraced the steps that I needed to take to get to my destination. I remembered all the emotions I felt when we lost her and I couldn't snap out of it. I had no choice but to keep walking anyway, whether I liked it or not. It was a tough journey.

Even though I just came back from a holiday, I found myself longing for another one. Just need to get away from home, from Nick, from everyone who doesn't understand me.

Alina was very sweet. She countered my prickly attitude with nothing but kindness. I felt less lousy because of her. Love her so much for it. Had to apologise for my bad manners earlier.

Today, my counsellor addressed Nick, "If Michelle is not hormonal, she wouldn't be Michelle, right?" Nick responded with "What's my excuse?" I have no words. I felt even lousier when he said that. As if I asked to be thrust into a sea of hormones and emerge with raging temper. I did not.

Our counsellor also reminded us. "God made us all wonderfully so why would we change what God has made so perfectly." Switched my perspective totally. I was once riveted on changing and improving, even bettering myself for Nick and my family. But if I could have upgraded myself to Michelle Version 2, it would already have happened. I did put in ALOT of effort. It was not easy.

I have no directions for our next step because the goalpost Nick sets for me keep shifting anyway. With all that I'm feeling, I just want to hole up until I'm myself again. I feel so drained I don't even have the energy to cry, even though my heart is leaking tears for my eyes.

Just the other day, I was out with my mum and asked her "Mummy have you ever felt like taking your own life when you were younger for all the hardship you went through?". What she told me next made me sick to my stomach, "Never, because I couldn't let my loved ones live with the pain." It spoke so much volume I couldn't think of a cohesive response.

My mum had a tough childhood as she often felt unloved and unwanted, being adopted at a mere few weeks old. When I was growing up, I recall seeing this worn out tattoo on her body. When I was old enough to understand what it meant, it read: Nobody's child. It was a sad reminder of her childhood. She later covered it up with another tattoo. Despite her positivity today, I knew she wasn't always a happy person. My mum is an amazing and incredible human being. She is my role model.

I have a lot of solemn thoughts tonight, I don't really know where they're coming from as I've never felt such intense feelings before. Just going along with my train of thoughts and penning it down as it goes.

Beth is very much my focus right now, and her toddler years are getting rougher. Being her main caregiver, I face a lot of stress, particularly from Nick whom I've always felt is very critical of what I do and ask a lot of tough and unnecessary questions that doesn't help me at all. E.g. He'd ask me about alternative situations that didn't happen on the pretext of 'making me think about contingency', but I find it redundant and it stresses me out when my answer is not up to his expectations or when I fail to grasp what he's thinking. I can totally think on my own two feet so his questions show a lack of trust and faith in my ability. He, being who he is, I take it in my stride most of the time. I try not to take it personally and is quick to forgive and forget, but all these is taking a toll on me. Because it's very much one sided and the same grace is not extended to me at all. I feel like I'm just giving and giving, and not receiving.

Of course, this is only one side of the coin. I'm sure he'll have a different account of the same story. My intention is to log my thoughts, whether good or bad, so I can look back and see how far I (or we) have come.

I bother, thus I reflect. That is all.

Letter to Mabel: Vinz is back

Terrible indigestion after a fun evening with my sis- and brother-in-law rendered me sleepless.

While surfing social media, I saw Mabel's best friends going on (separate) holidays and felt a pang of sadness. She will never get to go on another holiday again. I miss her look of excitement whenever she goes on holidays. I miss her so much it hurts so bad. My dad once said Mabel has gone on a long holiday this time. Maybe that's his coping mechanism. I call it for what it is - she's gone, dead, died, passed away. 

Christmas is creeping closer but I'm not really looking forward to it at all. Call me a downer but I'm just not feeling it. How can I ever be happy when I've lost my sister? - is what I feel like cry-saying it out loud. I'm wretched through and through. Even my amazing mum is excited that Christmas is around the corner. Maybe she's onto something that I don't, maybe she's way ahead of me in the game. Maybe because it's her birthday on boxing day. My mum is just awesome.

::

Mei, I've reconciled with Vinz. Do you know he's in a bad place too? Yet he bravely came forward and allowed healing to take place. Sometimes I wish you were healed while on earth. I miss you so much.

Vinz was real sweet - he got himself tattooed as a remembrance on the day you were laid to rest at Mandai, a picture of Little Prince who has significant meaning to him.

For this little prince lives in a planet on his own but has friends from other planets. Even though you've left us, he believe you're on a 'planet' (that I call it Heaven), and will make many wonderful friends who loves you. I know you'll be touched by his gesture when you look down from heaven to see how we're doing.

I strongly believe you're truly happy up there, even though I've no proof. I just know it mei. I'm comforted knowing you are happy. You're finally in good hands :) Jie loves you so so much, always will and forevermore.

Till we meet again k 💋

:)

Haven't felt this much happiness and joy in a long time. Feels like a huge rock is lifted off my chest and I can breathe again.

Too many good news lately, I'm in high spirits!

Thank you Jesus 🙌🏻

Heavy hearted

I cried today. It was a heart wrenching sob with snot and contorted features. It was because of something a dear old friend sent.

The sadness reaches deep into my soul and Beth comforted me again, patting me and giving me little kisses.

I'll never ever take anything for granted, ever again.

Life would not be the same without you. I miss you too much. Please be well soon, it'll be my honour to be part of your healing journey.

Love
Hpy Mitch

A timely text from dear old HPY

Today, you texted me out of the blue and came clean with why you left our friendship in the beginning. It was the second time you left and I thought I had lost you for good.

This time, I really wanna be there for you, if you let me. I know you need time, and I know better than to push you.

Patience is my virtue since becoming a mum. I'll wait patiently to hug it out, to fill you in on all the happenings and provide you your support structure, if you let me.

I was missing Mabel badly when you texted. Perfect timing, I thought.

I miss you so much, I just want you back.

XX love,
Hpy Mitch

Letter to Mabel: Beth, holidays and fave food

Missing you for the nth time today and everyday. Sometimes I wonder why did it have to happen to us. I resent the fact that you are truly gone and cannot even began to fathom what Mummy must be feeling everyday, especially in the mornings and evenings when you'd usually be around to greet and bid her goodbye or welcome her home.

If only you knew how badly we miss you.

Beth is such a lovely cutie these days. I really wish - and I'll never stop wishing - you're around to witness it. I guarantee you'll melt into a puddle just watching her becoming more social and independent.

Our family group chat has not seen much action lately because I chose not to post anything there. You're numerically still in the group chat and thus our replies will never achieve any blueticks anymore. It's a sad sad shell of its former glory where we posted many pictures and discussion. I miss your replies mei. What I'd give to have you back.

We just came back from BKK and unbeknownst to me, Thomas remembered I wanted to eat the food you used to like, and insisted we go Chinatown. I wouldn't have known if Sheena hadn't confided in me privately. I was very touched. We had your favourite bird's nest and braised pork knuckle. The bird's nest we had were of good quality and I got one for Mummy, because that's what you'd have done, always keeping the best for her. I wondered if you had the better ones or the less fancy ones at roadside stalls. I knew you'd enjoy the bowl of yummy bird's nest we had. Thomas even ordered one of the more premium one for us to share. He is such a sweet guy. Pity you guys never got to meet as he wasn't able to attend our wedding party at Loof.

Do you eat your bird's nest with eggs and honey? It is so good! We felt so indulgent.

We had your favourite wanton mee and braised pork too. I'm happy to have tasted what you had and really liked it :')

I miss Australia so much and honestly believe you'd have liked it too. The food, the weather and the lifestyle would suit your preferences I think.

I miss our cruise trip and it wouldn't be the same without you if I go again with mummy on our next family holiday.

What really made you do it mei. What drove you to such ultimatum that you couldn't even confide in me before your final moments. Why didn't you let me help you one more time, just like before. But I do know why, yet I cannot imagine the extent of your pain and suffering. New ideas and thoughts form in my mind over time, a clearer view of the whole picture. I think I know the real reason and intention. It's so scary to admit to myself sometimes, I don't want to entertain whatifs and whatnots. There are so much secrets that you literally carried to your grave and I only have an inkling of your motive.

Nevertheless, I honour and treasure our times together. I'll always remember my beautiful and kindhearted sister fondly. I love you mei.

My sister, my love

I think I'm at the stage where I cry over everything and very randomly too. I get very bad mood swings this time round. It's rare I get such major mood disorders around my period.

I've lashed out at everyone around me and it wasn't normal behaviour. I felt it coming and I couldn't stop it.

I would walk from living room to kitchen and just stop dead in my tracks to sob heart wrenching uncontrollable tears of sorrow. Beth would run to me and huddle around my legs hugging my thighs and pulling me down to cuddle and shower me with cute kisses while saying "ohhh". Her version of "aww". Afterwards I'd stretch out my hands to ask her for a big big hug and kisses which she dispenses generously.

I went back to my parents' place on Sunday and couldn't bear to be in the house. It drove me a bit nuts to stay there for too long. I really respect my mum so much for her strength and courage to live on in spite of mei mei's demise in the house. At the same time, I really feel so so bad for her. I wish she would stay with me so I can take care of her.

I miss my sis so much and found it hard to believe she's gone. I yearn for our sisterly chats and bonding over good food and holiday trips. I miss how she's always so sweet to me, yet I didn't show her enough how much she means to me. I regret being nasty to her, I regret calling her names. I wished I had been a better elder sister to her, instead of having her act like the bigger sis she wasn't supposed to be. I wished she knew how precious she was to us.

Depression really sucked. I wished I had done more. I do blame myself sometimes, even though I understand it was her decision. I wished I was there for her more. I can't believe she's gone just like that. It's getting harder to bear. The loss is simply too much, too great.

While I know it's fine to be not okay, this feeling is just awful. Knowing I can't do anything to reverse the process kills me.

I realised the same scene kept haunting me day and night. The same phonecall, same panicked tone over the phone, the venue I was at when I received the call, the heaviness in my stomach when I heard the news, the words uttered from my mouth "Is she still breathing?", the reply on the other line...

It kills me. It kills me to know I won't be spending any more festivities with her. No more CNY hand holding sister shots. It was a tradition that I loved. No more gluttony meals with her, salivating over her delicious Japanese food, a favourite of hers.

I miss our tete-a-tetes. Who else can I confide in now? I wished I had shown her more love. I genuinely miss her so so much.

She is my Wan & only best sister act I could ever ask for and I miss her every single day.

Mummy style

Beth makes me so happy that I don't remember what life was like before her. It took me awhile to remember we had a life before Beth was born, and that life was pretty good but never as good as the one with her.

I just threw out a bunch of clothes because they aren't breastfeeding friendly. I trashed all my thongs because I prefer my cotton undies. Bagged a whole lot of old shoes that isn't my style anymore. Comfort is my new friend.

I am becoming the woman I have always wanted to be - comfortable in my own skin and unapologetically Mummy style.

Letter to Mabel: Beth's milestones

I miss you mei. How I wish you can witness the milestones of 'Beth Beth', the way you've always endearingly called her. I miss it so much. 

She is so full of expressions now and I honestly think she's gonna be your best first niece. She was barely 16 months when you were gone. Watching her grow livelier and more communicative everyday makes me miss you too much. It's a bittersweet feeling not having you here marvelling her milestones together. Mummy was ultra delighted when she spoke her first words with her recently, "don't put" she exclaimed when Mummy stashed her toys away. We were all amazed when she recounted it to us.

I attended the wake of Manda's grandma today. I thought of our beloved Ah ma and of course, you too. I never thought this is how our lives would turn out, with you gone too soon.

I've never stopped thinking of you. I didn't know what grief felt like until now. My heart hurts more often these days. Seems like I'm at the next stage of grief but I can't identify it anymore, even if I try. It's a blur between the lines.

I'm not a big fan of hello kitty but because you are, I bought Beth her first hello kitty - hooded beach towel. You would approve :) I could see your eyes light up at the very thought of it. Her cuteness would make you squeal in delight for sure.

It gets harder every day without you. But we get stronger every day too. Knowing you're safe in Jesus' arms gives me alot of comfort.

Family wise, Nick and I are planning for four children. But who knows what God's plans are. We'll take anything we can :)

Mummy misses you everyday, and I feel so much for her. You were so close to her that if not for Beth, she confessed she don't know if she could have found the will to live on. She's also braver and stronger than I imagine. Losing you made us treasure each other even more, and help our relationship grow even deeper than ever before. I'm also trying to fill your (big) shoes, giving her the same kind of care and fillial piety you'd have given her yourself.

I haven't been in contact with Ronald much but he's still very fillial to Mummy. He bought her favourite kueh lapis for mooncake season knowing I'd definitely buy mooncake for her. I miss how much you dig raffles hotel champagne truffle snowskin and wish I could buy for you again every year.

I'm so thankful for all the memories we had together mei :,)

I customised a canvas family portrait from our last photoshoot with Beth and I'm so so very glad we had that wonderful memory to fall back on :) I've gifted it to Mummy who chose the photo herself, she's super super excited about it. She told me you have a lovely dimpled smile :) I agree.

I've been doing charity and donation on your behalf because you've such a good heart like that. I knew it's something you would have done. It makes me feel good too, helping someone in need. I just want you to be proud of us when you look down from heaven, knowing we are leading meaningful lives xx

Punctured wound

I think of you all the time mei, whenever I'm sad and whenever I'm not. You've become a part of my new state of mind - I don't know what to call it yet. I've always been a whiny sis especially when I'm hurt. If you're still around, you'll know how to comfort me. I miss having you fussing over me :'(

I miss those times when you sponge me during my fever and took care of me when I was going through a rough breakup. You mothered me and showed me what a great mother you'd someday make.

My heart is torn, punctured by your demise. Like the wound on my palm...
.
.
.
💔

No relief

It's been a month since my sis' suicide. There's little relief from knowing the truth. Time will never heal my wound, only in death and finally reuniting with her in our Heavenly kingdom when our Father has called me home, will my wound truly heal. It sounds hopeless but it is also true. I just have to live with that.

They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes it hurts. It hurts so much you forgot how to live, to breath, to function. I've never stopped thinking of her, and I don't really want to. I need to feel as if she's still here, in my memories, through my reminiscing. I'm not ready to move on, to let go. I'm taking my time, bidding goodbye, saying I love yous, too many missed opportunities of hugging her (because she hates to be touched or hugged affectionately).

Mummy seems to be at peace with the knowledge you're gone, mei. From what I can glean from facebook. Maybe that's the only relief I have. But sometimes I'm not so sure if it's really so, or is she trying to put up a brave front for friends and relatives who are concerned about her. Knowing mummy, I feel it's a mixture of both. I see sadness in her eyes sometimes when she's watching me and Beth, I know she misses you and wishes to see you play with Beth again.

Papa as usual is still annoying as always, and I wish you're still around to share the inside jokes with. All our family jokes, gone with the wind, just like you. But I know you can't stand him and is happier where you are :)

One day, you're gonna tell me exactly what happened and I'm going to be there for you this time. Or perhaps, it wouldn't have mattered by the time my business is done here on earth and we'd have eternity to catch up.

For now, I have a family to run and some babies to make. We're expanding our family and I do still wish you're around to contribute cousins for your niece and future nieces and nephews but it's okay, Jie will help you fill the gaps in our lives because you deserve only the very best effort from all of us.

Love you always mei mei xoxo

Therapy with Nick

I haven't been entirely clear when I say I'm in therapy for grief and loss. Truth is, the differences between Nick and I got even more apparent during my grieving process, and finally decided to rear it's ugly head once and for all.

I don't really know what to blame on except that it's a personality related differences. In the time I've known him, I've embraced and accepted many of his flaws, just as I have accepted and loved him.

This time around, the love I had for him wasn't enough. I needed more, I really really do. I am vulnerable and wasn't going to act tough about it. I needed loving, I needed him to be the gracious one. I didn't need fixing, which was what he was good at. I needed a compassionate husband who was supportive and sensitive. All of which he wasn't, because personality.

The first session was very productive. The counsellor wanted to know what were the qualities that draw us to each other. Easy. Honesty, faithfulness and God-loving. These were the 3 traits I consistently prayed for in my future partner, and I got it when I met Nick.

Apparently, apart from looks, Nick fell for my character. To be more specific, he actually named my decision making skills as a top quality. Something I didn't know contributed so much to my indispensability. Again, personality. We are as different as day and night.

I thought it was very sweet when he gave examples. I liked how he explained it "She could help me analyse and break it down for me into very easily digestible ideas that I could just implement and run with it." Not his exact words but it is what I hear.

At one point, it was my turn to air grievances and I specifically said Nick needs to be more sensitive to my feelings yet he can't help himself when he feels a need to cut me down with his words, to just call me out on it. To add on, if there's nothing nice to say, he could have just kept quiet. If there's a need to say it, it should at least be constructive.

I honestly thought that was it. Until the counsellor wisely reminded me of the traits I saw in Nick; Honesty.

Wow. All this time it was staring at me in my face.

It was a huge revelation. I felt like a hypocrite.

My takeaway: We are trying to cut out some brutish words we both dislike from my vocabulary. Namely replacing it with Oh Dear, Oh Gosh, good old British words instead of well, you know, the more expressive versions that starts with F and S.

His takeaway: No more labelling me as stupid/dumb. No more passive aggressive unloving expressions like "你在等什么?". Nick was justifying his use of the words by saying he meant them when he uses it because he's using it consciously and sparingly. Insert roll eyes please. 

Instead, our counsellor taught him to break the momentum if he's so angry he feels the need to say it, and reminded him what Jesus would have done, would He have called us stupid/dumb? Her method was to cut through the quarrel by projecting or repeating a phrase such as "Jesus loves you!" Well, they say fight hatred with love and smother your enemies in them. Love always conquer. I have yet to see love fail so I have to agree with the counsellor on this.

Counselling can only take us this far, the rest is still up to us to make it work. The counsellor noted we've a strong foundation which we both know to be true, the only reason we needed help and didn't mind sharing with outsiders can only be because we both want the same thing: Our marriage to be unbreakable and indestructible.

We don't wait for things to turn rocky before we save a marriage, we do it while it's still strong and firm. An intact vase can take a few knocks, but a cracked one can hardly withstand a breath of wind. This is my philosophy for many things in life, we don't wait for the worst to happen before we deal with something.

This form of therapy is my kinda project for dealing with grief and loss. This is what works for me.

Grief

I was 19 when I grieved the first time for my beloved gramps. According to my mum who was by her side when she drew her last breath, she passed away peacefully. I didn't get to see her for the last time and only knew through a phonecall with my mum late at night. I was getting ready for bed when I received the call. I couldn't sleep after that but I remembered I was so tired I cried myself to sleep.

The funeral was a blur. Both my mum and sis were distraught, and blamed themselves for not being more filial or spend more time with her. I remembered consoling my mum with words I didn't know I had to make her feel better, to take away her guilt. I hugged my sis when she broke down infront of me and cried sorrowfully into my arms. You see, my gramps had dementia and it wasn't easy living with her. In fact, the gramps I dearly loved was already consumed by advanced stages of dementia and was a shell of whom I used to know.

I saw her a couple of days before her passing, interacted and chatted with her affectionately, never once did it cross my mind that'd be the last time I'd see her. A good buddy of mine knew about my situation and advised me to be strong for my family. I knew I had to and suppressed my grief. It was the worst thing I did for myself. Strangely, I was able to hold myself together until the very last day where I nearly fainted from exhaustion. Even more strange was that I had no outward signs of grief eg self blame, anger, denial, not even sadness. I don't recall feeling anything else after the initial shock and tears.

It was year 2003 and I was in Poly, ironically, my gramps passed away on my mum's birthday, 26 December. We visited her again when we collected Mabel's ashes. 15 years on, I'm still grieving for my gramps. I still cry fresh tears as if she had just passed away not too long ago. Suppressing my grief back then, in order to be strong for my family, was the worst thing I could do for myself. I never truly moved on, and till now, I am still circling through the cycle of grief (Denial > Anger > Sadness > Bargaining > Acceptance).

News of Mabel's death knocked the wind out of me. I remember feeling numbed when I first got the news, and an emptiness where my heart used to be, has been replaced by a huge rock, which sank to my stomach. That dreadful heaviness in the pit of my stomach is so unbearable that it manifested into stomach pains. Whenever I think of my sis, that heavy stone in my stomach appears. I suspect it'll never truly go away.

I allowed myself to grief. I didn't hold back this time, I grieved with everything I've got. It was a culmination of things. My gramps, and my sis, both worth their weight in gold to me. Both gone now. Their loss rang so loud i couldn't hear anything else, it drowned out everything around me. I neglected Beth, my beautiful daughter. I neglected Nick, my lovely husband. I neglected my health.

This body of mine is more hardy than I know. Despite the abuses it has endured, it is still working and functioning well. Grief has taught me to be sensitive to others, to be tactful and compassionate. It is a painful and extremely harsh learning experience. Sometimes that's what it takes to grow up and mature. I lost my favourite gramps and an only sister, but in return I've gained so much more wisdom, love and kindness from the people around me.

All hope is not lost. I know I am blessed, not because of who I am, but because of who He is. I'll keep praying for the salvation of those I love and I know it isn't really goodbye if we will reunite again in Heaven.