No relief

It's been a month since my sis' suicide. There's little relief from knowing the truth. Time will never heal my wound, only in death and finally reuniting with her in our Heavenly kingdom when our Father has called me home, will my wound truly heal. It sounds hopeless but it is also true. I just have to live with that.

They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes it hurts. It hurts so much you forgot how to live, to breath, to function. I've never stopped thinking of her, and I don't really want to. I need to feel as if she's still here, in my memories, through my reminiscing. I'm not ready to move on, to let go. I'm taking my time, bidding goodbye, saying I love yous, too many missed opportunities of hugging her (because she hates to be touched or hugged affectionately).

Mummy seems to be at peace with the knowledge you're gone, mei. From what I can glean from facebook. Maybe that's the only relief I have. But sometimes I'm not so sure if it's really so, or is she trying to put up a brave front for friends and relatives who are concerned about her. Knowing mummy, I feel it's a mixture of both. I see sadness in her eyes sometimes when she's watching me and Beth, I know she misses you and wishes to see you play with Beth again.

Papa as usual is still annoying as always, and I wish you're still around to share the inside jokes with. All our family jokes, gone with the wind, just like you. But I know you can't stand him and is happier where you are :)

One day, you're gonna tell me exactly what happened and I'm going to be there for you this time. Or perhaps, it wouldn't have mattered by the time my business is done here on earth and we'd have eternity to catch up.

For now, I have a family to run and some babies to make. We're expanding our family and I do still wish you're around to contribute cousins for your niece and future nieces and nephews but it's okay, Jie will help you fill the gaps in our lives because you deserve only the very best effort from all of us.

Love you always mei mei xoxo