The meaning of life

"The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple." 

Progress = Busyness. We crave progression and in turn, sacrifice our sanity for the sake of being busy, thinking we are one step closer to success. Are we really successful? Define that according to how you see yourself versus how others see you. If they're the same version, then congratulations, you have successfully mimick the very definition of success. 

At the very core of our existence, we all want to feel alive. What does that mean to you? Take a moment to think about it.

 

There was a brief period in my life when I wanted to be unforgettable. To be unforgettable is to be alive. To live in the memories of others. Ahh this was a phase in my past when I was single and free and wanted to achieve something small for myself so I could pat myself on my back.

I was a talker, I thought as I spoke and clarified along the way. Life was much simpler. Not holding back on my words, and thus my passion. I was smooth and had presence but something was missing.

After my sister's death, I've turned into a thinker, withdrawing from people and moving away from their lives and turning inwards. I became cautious and uneasy. Life did not become simpler as such, as I was grieving. But I made alot of progress in my personal development that I believe contributed to my growth as a parent/friend/daughter as well as that of my family, my chosen people. 

Life has meaning, and I have a lot of successes in my daily going ons, something I can be proud of and it fills me with unbridled joy. Charmingly simple. Not unheard of. Just different. 

At 42 years old, life has just begun.

Keeping the score

Looking at air fryers online, in the middle of the night, and my chest tightens. The body remembers grief. 

Just before Mabel died, she had requested for my mum to replace a toaster oven that broke down. My mum was finally on it, shortlisting options, and was going to make the purchase the week she passed. I'll forever painfully remember the look of regret on my mum's face as she remarked matter of factly how much my sister, her cherished daughter, wanted to replace the oven, and my mum couldn't get around to it for months, and she was waiting quietly, passively, despite needing it to cook her favourite meals... All the meals she could have had before she ended her life, if she had a working one. It crushed my mum that she had let down her kid. 

For this reason alone, I don't own one. And we also don't talk about it. This hurting core memory digged deep.

The mind wants to move on, is accepting of the circumstances and reality, but the body holds the score.

Halfway there

Last night, in the midst of my bedtime routine, a mere thought struck me: I'm 40 this year. And it quickly manifested into grief when a sense of profound loss slowly find it's way into my conscious mere thought.

I have ever imagined how growing old with my sister and our families would be like. Will we still like each other or will we drift? Will we have petty quarrels or make silly jokes? Will we be the best of friends or will we not bear the sight of each other? Will we reminisce and chat about life? Will we like cooking for each other and being companions? Will we live closeby or poles apart? What do I do with all these regrets and lifelong wishes I have buried along with her death? How do I go on another 40 years missing you and the time we'll never get to spend together, the jokes we'll never make, the food we'll never cook for each other, the love we'll never share again...

I'm still trying to heal my heart while living life and raising a family. I wish in the next 40 years of my life I'll have no more heartaches that I cannot bear.

Baby Hope

Welcome to our family, lil Hope ❤️ Jiu jiu, jiu ma, and your cousins Bethany and Elijah loves you!

Love this shot that was taken by Bethany

She made a card for her favourite gugu & ah tio

Aww I'm sure you do sweetie!

Our family tree just grew! Haha this was Bethany's school work!

Thank you Ethan and Alina for bringing her into our lives too! Bethany seems to think baby looks like her and Elijah's young baby self, I don't disagree!

New year, NIL photos

Ha! Let me explain. It's rare I don't whip out my camera to capture an act or two for posterity's sake. But we had so much fun today I really didn't see the need to get a shot in; we are already making core memories.

We also found out Elijah have ADHD, and it's been super interesting to observe signs and symptoms, something I've always wondered about since he was two years old and he's turning 4.5yo this January. 

It does get tiring and overwhelming sometimes but I totally get why I got chosen to be his mama - I'm his biggest advocate! 

As he grew, it got easier to care for him due to linguistics, comprehension and executive skills improvement, making it easier to understand him, and getting him to cooperate and even help out.

I temporarily took him out of swim class recently due to his bad nasal sinusitis, a major double whammy on top of his ADHD. In future, I will also explore high energy classes he will enjoy. Finding something he is good at and turning that into his superpower is one of the strategies in the toolbox. 

He's super strong, very solidly build for a young kid, very flexible, agile and into high impact, energetic movements. You know what I'm thinking? Dancing! From a young age, he gravitates towards upbeat music, he's really bendy and uses full range of motion to express himself. We'll see if I read him correctly later on. 

Bethany is starting her Primary One journey and I've no qualms she will thrive with her natural enthusiasm and zest for new challenges. She fared very well socio-emotionally in her last two schools, also Sunday School. She's going to be an extrovert like her mum, navigating school life tactfully. I thank god for a prodigious first born.

She's my pride, she's got my strong social genes. He's my joy, one cheeky pout or liner and nobody can bear being upset at him. I'm so privileged to be their mummy. 

 

New year, NIL photos and new transition. Big year for the Wan-Tans. I won't bother concealing the hint of excitement in my tone, because the optimist in me can't wait to see 2024 unfold.

Blessed new year from my family to yours 🎈

Flower girl x Page boy with ADHD

Note: This is a backdated post, writing from the future as I had wanted to chronicle this but December 2023 was unkind and I didn't have much energy or health to post this. I fell sick for a month straight and recently came out of the woods on 1 January 2024. 

::

Bethany and Elijah were 6 and 4 year old when they pulled off two back to back stints of wedding duties within a month of each other. First at my baby cousin's and the latest at Nick's maternal relatives.

The first wedding was before I found out Elijah has ADHD and he was overwhelmed and overstimulated. The second was after I found out he has ADHD and I could put in all the strategic work to help him ease into it. 

The difference between the two weddings were our level of exhaustion versus the impact on him post wedding. When we were aware of what we were dealing with, it was so much easier to manage and he was calmer and less antsy immediately after the event.

We love our son and his ADHD, it was very apparent to me he wasn't like the others. He was always faster, stronger, more intense and jam packed with higher energy than any one I know. At the same time, he has an even temperament, hardly any meltdowns, slow to anger and quick to recover. I read up on books by Marko Juant and found out he is Hyposensitive. This means my little sensory seeker has under-receiving receptors and needed more sensory input to feel the same as what a neurotypical peer feels. That sensory seeking spark in him is emerging as fearlessness and adventurous. The dots are finally connecting.

We also found out he does well in school (he loves it) as it has structure and routine, key components to his ADHD development. His teachers are mostly really awesome.

It's too surreal to be a vivacious boy mum after being a gentle girl mum, to speak out against stereotype that boys are rough and girls are not, but that he has neurological imbalances, and his symptoms will evolve as he grow.

Bethany is such a sweet advocate for her brother, she knows about impulse control and everyone has them but some does it better and having awareness can lead to grace for others and self in our response and behaviour. She makes me so proud to be her mum. As does Elijah. I'm so glad they have each other.

At the first wedding, he was unhinged with Bethany trying to hold him back.

The second wedding, he was more subdued as he hid behind Bethany when they walked in so he'll receive less stares. This is him trying to control his urge to run away and Bethany became his solid shield.

I've given up on "eyes at the camera Elijah". I'll take any photos with his silhouette in it and consider it an acceptable family shot. He has his moments but we and the kids will be alright.

(Quote) Motherhood in memory form

I feel seen.

Ready Skooler

We were invited to Bethany's K2 graduation concert today. She did great! I'm so proud of all of them for putting on an amazing performance. Part of me cried a little inside as she declared "I can't wait to go to primary school! I'm so excited!”

This day came too fast. The kids went through rounds of practice to be on stage today, their storyline is well thought through and got me invested. How can these small kids be so brave to face such a big audience and yet so focussed on their deliverables. I don't know about others but I think six year olds are super impressive!

I'm a very proud mama. This is a 4 minutes 30 seconds production. It's value is priceless.

Mother's Day thoughts

In my early 20s, I had already imagined being a mother someday and six years in since having my first child, I can't imagine not ever being one. Without missing a beat, I have learnt to take joy in my small parenting wins and not bashing myself up in my failures so it's been quite a bittersweet journey.

I am not a perfect parent but I am the best at reading my children and giving them what they need, when they need it. My greatest struggle is self regulation in the midst of overwhelm, and I am always overwhelmed (warm welcome to motherhood!).

To my dearest children: Keep the hugs & kisses coming, and all these treasured handwritten handmade gifts, that's all I ever need! 

LOL I think she anyhow whack 😂

Made scented rose sea salt then told me I'm not supposed to use it on my body 🤔 suggested to use it as decor like a home fragrance lol

True story: Bethany told me she had to do so many craft work for mother's day that she did not enjoy school that day. When she presented all her works, I already knew she spent the entire school day creating all four handiwork. I truly feel for her!

Can I just saaay, with Elijah and knowing what he's like, I'm surprised he didn't crush his artwork and toss it on the floor 🤣 Better take a photo just in case!

Thank you for making me a proud Mummy!

My pride and joy

Happy Mother's Day to me 🌷

PS: My favourite colour is not yellow! To be fair, I always told her I like all colours because I can't decide what colours to tell her since I've a few favourite ones 🤪 Also, I've zero idea what happened in Bali since we've not brought her there, does she mean barley? 😳

Poem • Stay At Home Mum

The house is a mess

My clothes are old

The chores are endless

As the day unfolds

Guilt is a feeling 

I’ve grown to know

It follows me daily

Like a dismal shadow

Aches and pains

and all the strains 

Bending and lifting 

and playing games

Stay at home mum

Won’t that be fun

Finger painting and Netflix 

and one on one

“No more work for you”, they’d say

“Free to relax and play all day”

Naive is a word

Not a strong enough fit

To describe this exhaustion

That fills every bit

My back is sore 

My hands are dry

My lunch will be crusts 

My outlet, a cry

I’m working on forgiveness 

I’m working on myself

I’m trying to locate her

high up on a shelf

I’m in the best company

But still I feel lonely

These windows grew bars

For somewhere so homely

I’m juggling many balls

But that’s not the worst

Ones about to drop

Which one will fall first

I hate asking for help

Don’t you see, I can do this

But I need it some days

When it all feels so useless

Rewards and woes

The highs and the lows

Unconditional love

and that’s how it goes

Feelings drifting

So hard to pin down

Some days you win

Others you drown

Yes I am lucky

I love them to bits

and I’d do it again

Every day for these kids

They’ve helped me slow down

They’ve taught me to say ‘No’

They’re teaching me daily

about how I can grow.

I’m better because of them

I’ll continue to be

A love like no other 

As they are for me

We’re stay at home Mums

We’re bloody strong 

So we keep on

Keeping on.

……………..

Words @jessurlichs ‘From One Mom to a Mother’ poetry book: www.jessicaurlichs.com/shoph - this was written some time ago in the trenches of 2u2 and doesn’t just apply to stay at home mums.

Stills from an old show I remember watching as a youngling:
母亲是*孩子*成长的园丁，
生活中的朋友，患难中的安慰

Life as any parent is hard. Aspiring to be a decent one is super hard. Striving to be a good mum is almost freaking impossible. 

Need to fill my love tank so I can show up for my family... But how? 

What went down on my 39th

Nothing much! A good nothing much. Stay home mums are busy on weekdays and having a birthday in the middle of the week is just an ordinary day, albeit an extra-ordinary one, I'm privileged to have the option to do what I want - stay at home.

I've been planning to have a homely, nondescript day, cooking and spending time resting for the weekend ahead - all weekends are family time!

Sweet and thoughtful Claris sent me a pretty bento cake that I'm going to share with the kids.

Nick & the kids presented me with a bday card + full of their cute lil drawings on it ❤️ Read the contents when I was alone and teared; Nick may be a quiet man but his words are touching.

Wholesome breakfast that I had fun making! My birthday meal looking real good and tasty as anything.

Look at this Hamburg 🤤

Fancy surprise from Sheena - fairy lights, flower, balloon and even delicate feathers in one bundle. 

I feel like a child receiving a gift!

I love it 💕

Appreciating my kids more than ever. Here they are taking turns to play before school this morning.

I don't need gifts and chose not to post on social media to avoid receiving any, I'm happiest just receiving messages of love and blessings. At 39 years young, I choose privacy and space for rest. The stay home life has not dulled me, but revealed opportunity for growth and renewal. In the daily humdrum of motherhood, I rather enjoy this peace and quiet.

Time travelling Valentine

I just had the most powerful dream!

I was in possession of a time traveling measuring tape (hahaha). I promise you it gets better.

Katharine and Peiqi were both in my dream, we took turns pulling and stretching the life altering device until our arms were sore. We experienced the most wholesome journey together. We didn't know what changes await us but we were curious to find out. The dream was so real that when I woke up, I found myself scheming to get back to my dream to prolong the surrealism.

We ended up in 2021, mid pandemic (boring), and decided to get even farther away. Unfortunately, this was when I woke up for good. It was such a positive dream, one of the best I had.

I found myself wondering what I would time travel for and had my answers quickly. This is where it turned bittersweet.

1. I'll definitely save my sister. I even planned to save myself while at it, don't waste the chance right? Avoid all the horrible boys and terrible heartbreaks.

2. Which brings me to my second answer: Quickly find Nick, get to know him earlier and be together with him (hahaha!). Skip all the unnecessary traumas and get straight down to business with the love of my life. 

Even at the expense of altering the whole course of my universe, these are the two things I will fix.

What a dreamy Valentine's Day already.

The tree is up

Excitement has never felt so liberating.

I've resisted celebrations since Mabel left us in 2018. Just wasn't in the mood and I missed her terribly. Bethany and Elijah were still young and didn't know better than to pluck and throw my trinkets, presumably.

November inched closer when I placed an order for a tree online and got around to setting up our first Christmas tree by mid November, with Bethany's enthusiastic help. She picked the tree, height, colour and all. Only green trees, she mustered with every ounce of a 5yo wisdom, "because trees are green, not white".

When the tree was up, I wanted to throw open the windows to sing and praise the Lord, that's how much joy I felt. Christ-mas is about Jesus Christ and He's been very good to me.

Can we just take a minute to honour this moment in my grieving journey, it's been rough and I've come through with a renewed mind. 

My sister has the most giving and generous spirit, and I'm not saying it posthumously, it's just who she was growing up. I've learnt so much from her.

Counting down to Christmas with a new sense of purpose xx

 

Elijah play nice

Took him long enough (3 years!) to start playing nice with toys instead of throwing them everywhere...and breaking them. At last, the toys are out of storage and ready for action. He's also into puzzles so I've been getting more of them. Happy to say this is my favourite age of his.