A wise decision made

So much drama has occurred ever since Nick was hospitalised. I'm so relieved everything is sorted out and we're both led onto the wise and logical path again after much diversion. 

A huge rock has been lifted off my chest today. And I've decided not to pursue the warped ignorance of a man whom Nick calls his uncle. He, who almost persuaded Nick to do the most illogical thing. That'll be his own downfall eventually and I won't be there to witness it. 

For now, my focus is on my fiancé, his wellbeing and our future. 

The Proposal

I can't contain my excitement. He got down on one knee and proposed on our 5th anniversary (30 Jan '15). It still felt so surreal (split second hesitation on how real it was or if I was dreaming). I actually forgot to say yes. My voice was robbed, I basically shoved my bony fingers into his face because there was so much tears in my eyes it fogged my brain. 

Exactly one day earlier before the proposal, I was at a company retreat and a totally random and sudden thought occurred to me that he might just pop the question THIS year. Things have been going beyond exceptional for me since the beginning of the year and I thought a proposal will top it. I just didn't expect it to be so quick, which explains why I was in tears and basically almost a bubbling mess of happiness and surprise when it happened. 

It was a long awaited question that I've patiently waited for years, and I'm so happy he did it on a special day of ours. But nothing surprised me more than the shock and initial confusion I got when I spunned around (thinking I was posing for a snap with my flowers at Ericia's insistence) and saw all the expectant and happy familiar faces. When I think back now, I only started tearing when I saw my family's faces (Mabel & Alina) and only did I realised what was happening. They were the first faces I spotted. 

It all happened so fast. I couldn't stop crying. In my mind, I was actually screaming OMG HE'S GONNA PROPOSE I MUST BASK IN THIS MOMENT BEFORE IT'S GONE. But the truth is I wasn't even listening to what he said (I was screaming with excitement in my head) and had to ask him to repeat what he said afterwards. I've never been so touched in my entire life that since then, I've been crying and tearing every time I think back. It's super special also because it was a dream proposal of mine to have all my family, friends and loved ones witnessing the man I love proposing to me. It was literally everything I wanted it to be. (I'm still crying writing this)

The first time I thought he was gonna propose was when we holidayed in Maldives. My colleagues had put that thought into my head. And I even jokingly asked him about it and he said not to expect much in a rather non-commital and reluctant manner. I knew he was trying to manage my expectations. But I still couldn't help thinking if it was gonna happen the entire trip. Especially when he planned a super romantic dinner by the beach and took me on a BLINDFOLDED long stroll before reaching a private and quiet beach with a beautiful setup - a decorated table in a circle of candles and flowers. I thought that was it. But it didn't happen. And my hopes of it happening just diminishes with time. Blindfolded! Can you imagine how fast my heart was beating? And can you imagine the incredulity that there was NO proposal at the most romantic place on earth? Yup that's the story of my life. Or so I thought. 

It meant so much to me because I've long accepted him as part of my life forever. After going through so much together, it felt nice to know he not only feels the same way but planned to seal it with a commitment. It was the best gift and will continue to be for a long time.

I also received the best proposal gift. A gorgeous amethyst ring that he handpicked with Ericia (whose opinion I specifically mentioned he should go for when required for ring shopping) and a beautiful white leather strapped and diamond encrusted watch with automatic movements (I shared how I wanted an automatic watch during our cruise last December but he told me afterwards he has bought the watch more than 6 months ago, long before our cruise). Knowing he was the one who decided on the watch made me realised how much I meant to him. 

I'm still reeling with happiness. Having all my favourite people in one room is indescribable. To imagine that preparations started last year and that they all knew from weeks to months ago prior to this just made me feel so undeserving and truly truly well loved. It felt like when you really want something so badly, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it. 

I've a fiancé now. A wonderful man I can entrust my whole life to and grow old and spiritually rich with. And though I know I said we've no plans to get married after the proposal, we're actually spontaneously planning for it to coincide with our Anniversary next year. It's gonna be 3-in-1 - the day we got together, our anniversary and our wedding date. 

I thought about what I should have said in my proposal speech and realised how many people openly expressed they actually thought I could have twisted Nick around my little finger and maybe even made him cry in the beginning. It certainly isn't true now. How things have changed. How he's grown to be so sensitive and caring but yet able to lead and guide me in our relationship. And look who's the one crying now? We've grown to be equals :) And as we continue in our walk with God, I know he'll continue to grow with me in every aspect of our lives. 

Despite our jarring differences, we persevered and everything worked out. If we're not an encouraging case study, I don't know what we are. 

I can't wait to break the news of our wedding date (tentative for now). It's gonna be a blast!

UPDATE: WEDDING DATE IS ON 30 JANUARY 2016, THE VERY DAY WE GOT TOGETHER 6 YEARS AGO. DOUBLE CELEBRATION!

I can drive!

Took to the roads for the first time on Sunday since I got my driving license last Wednesday.

I. Can. Finally. Drive. 

Needless to say, I was excited about driving on my own outside of driving school and without an instructor telling me what to do or where to go every few minutes. 

Nick was my passenger. I asked how he felt about being driven by me, no less, for the first time. "Awesome", he said. He was down with flu and less than enthusiastic when he said it. But I still felt great.

He has always been the one driving me around. Time for a switch. Heh. 

I drove us to church - my first journey on the road! - and nearly wanted to drive to town (Shaw house or Cine) for a movie but if sick Nick said no - the car park was too challenging for someone who hasn't experienced parking in a confined space with a tight lot and plenty of waiting cars who won't hesitate to blow their horn at a slow driver. I figured his reasons were too valid so I let him drive and I did my best to observe the route. 

I came to realise, after being a driver, that it's not that difficult to navigate the roads. I used to marvel at friends who have great navigational skills. It comes so naturally to them and I bet they haven't walked as much as I have in terms of making wrong turns. But I've to say, I commit a lot of routes to memory because even I don't trust my navigational skills sometimes. 

Times like this I wish I have an inbuilt GPS so I'll never get lost. Hahaha. 

Since Nick drove us to town, we agreed I should drive us to my place in Woodlands. Nick could tell I really wanted to drive. First time I took to the expressway, Nick told me to stick to the left lane cos I was too slow. Oops. First boo boo I made after I parked the car (at church), I forgot to lock the door! Nick stared at me for a good ten seconds before he said "Do you want to lock the door?"  Yup, typical Michelle moment. 

And the funniest thing was what he said about me when I was straddling two lanes (think my mind was on the route more than the road). 

"Do you remember how you used to hate people who straddle two lanes, and you always point them out to me? Now you're just like one of them. Control your car."

Wow. 

*slow clap for my cleverness*

The Goh Family

Something extraordinarily amazing happened today. Stuff that dramas are made off. And I thought it only happens on TV. 

I never truly knew the joy of having relatives on both sides becos really, I only ever have 1 set of relatives from my dad's side. They're all I've ever known from birth. For 30 years, I've known only the Wans. 

YET, TODAY MY MOM FINALLY FOUND HER REAL PARENTS AND SIBLINGS AND I FOUND ME A WHOLE LOT OF OTHER COUSINS. 

I am so excited. And terribly happy for my mom who fulfilled her wish. 

What an awesome start to 2015. Too many happy news to report lately. I'm feeling really good about life after 30s. We're so blessed. God is so good all the time. 

Found myself a few more aunties, uncles and cousins to love, care and laugh with. We've so much catching up to do! Can't tell you how overwhelmed I am. I'm shocked we managed to locate them so quickly. Unbelievable. Social media is awesome. 

Meeting them next week. So freaking cool. 

For the longest time, I thought I was pure Cantonese because mom's foster parent (my grandma; they were neighbours when my mom was given to my gramps) is Cantonese and I thought all Cantoneses live in the same kampung. I'm not. Mom's of Hokkien blood so I'm Cantonese-Hokkien. 

And here's a picture of my actual grandma. She's too cute!

My mom looks so much like her!

Last thing, I've 2 aunts and 5 uncles to familiarise with. 

That's a big family and it excites me. 

HPY

With no way of reaching out to you, I do hope you still read.

I haven't been the best friend I should be, I know that. But I still wanna believe there's an explanation for the misunderstandings we've created in our midst. 

Today you've made a decision to let go though I don't understand your rationale for doing so. I'm pained by your choice to leave. 

So many times, I waited for you to tell me what's happening. So many tales I heard. So many people who thinks I'm delusional for believing in you. And yet, so many benefits of the doubt I gave. For I knew, everyone has their reasons for what they believe in. 

It never happened. And still, I waited. 

(Yes I can be a huge softie)

Took me awhile to realise...maybe you aren't coming back. I thought, well, you must've moved on and I'm happy for you. But months passed and you asked for a favour which I turned down becos I wasn't in the best position to help. And then the next month, you asked Nick for a favour and he turned you down as well. 

Do you think we had forsaken you becos of that? Would you let us in if we asked what was wrong? 

What have changed? Our lifestyles have altered drastically. We've formed friendships and relationships outside of our hpy-ship. Our outlooks have definitely changed. But I never believed our bond has changed. 

Till now, I've no clue what happened between us. And I know you must have your reasons for leaving. But I just want you to know you always have the option of coming back. 

I haven't been a good friend to you, hpy. Forgive me. I could've done better. This door is open, if one day you feel like coming home. 

I'll be waiting, with two cups of coffee, to hear all about your stories. 

A good run

It's been a week into my planned retreat from the corporate life. No more deadlines, endless meetings and involuntary late nights for the next 6 months or so. Could be shorter (or longer) depending on the momentum. 

Can't help but feel even more motivated to pursue my passion now that work's not in the way. I do still have so much that I want to accomplish while the heart and mind are still aligned. 

I had a very satisfying and purposeful work run with the news centre and I've made some awesome friends there. Time to focus on my wellbeing and turn this intended hiatus into something meaningful. 

Raid at zouk (cosmic gate)

I was having massive mood swings due to my period. Wasn't a very happy Michelle over the weekend. Still, I never let a bad mood get in the way of fun. I honestly had fun (in the beginning) but was majorly disappointed at the police raid which took forever. News later circulated that the raid went on till the end of the set and there was nothing to be done about that. Nobody knew why we were raided for so long either. 

Went from hero to zero in no time. Was supposed to be our big night out and I had geared up for Cosmic Gate thinking it'll cheer me up. To be honest, it wasn't sucha lousy night. Company was good as always. Bless their soul for being such awesome party people! Terence and gang never disappoints. Photos were the only evidence of our short lived happiness. 

        

        

        

Made an awesome new friend, Robyn who turns out to be Alina's ex-school mate from IJ. To think I wanted to introduce them (long story). God's will. 

If I must conclude, this picture should do the talking. 

             

Sobs. 

Sighs

Ever had a night where you had a lot to think about and needed to be quiet for a while to reassess your life but everyone just wanted a piece of you?

And you can't say no to them?

More people gets involved and suddenly it became a party which you wanted no part of?

It lasted the entire night. 

Until you saw your chance to escape. 

But no, it was just a trap. 

Your brain is not yours tonight. It's everybody's. 

Then it finally went quiet. 

Finally. 

You have the night to yourself again. 

Then the snoring starts. 

Just one of those nights. 

Labour day in Krabi

We had a longer weekend than usual.

We got stung by mossies more than 10 times. Ying lost count due to her mossie magnetic blood. 

An unexpected trip. 

5 girls, and tonnes of fun. 

Wished we didn't have to leave so soon.

I chose to spend my 30th on an island near home. In contrast to the places I've been to, it's an unusual choice this year. Batam has its charm (and it's cheap). This trip signifies a simplicity in my life that I long to have. 

It's a first, travelling and rooming with Alina. I like how she complements me in the family. Xx

               

First night raining after a long rain hiatus. The coolness in the air distracted me from my sick stomach flu. 

I just sang (very loudly) a coupla songs out the window. Just to check if anyone can hear me through the rain. 

Fighting sleep cos my mind is running on hyper mode after a lull day resting and dragging my feet everywhere. 

Love random chats with nick. He just revealed how he got attracted to the idea of Christianity. Thank you Kaka. 

Fever has gone down. Can't wait to get back to work tmr. Sucha workaholic. 

Sick but feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. 

On my pensive pillow

With a temperature taking over the body, it's another restless (or timely) night to pen the random fog of thoughts in my fever brain. 

I had an interesting tanning session at the beach with my favourite twins the other day. It rendered me peeling and sunburnt with itchy raw skin. During the session, I really spoke my mind about the ongoing mayhem in my life (nothing related to my wonderful boyfriend, abundant friendship, or awesome family). It set me thinking if I should dabble in stuff I enjoy instead of what I should be doing as a grown up who've bills to pay and people to impress. 

I'm 30 and sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not out to please everyone but to embrace being myself and to chase after small dreams. 

One thing on my mind - how much does it take to drive one out of his/her comfort zone? What about killing that nice little tight circle one've built to fall back on?

Undeniably, comfort zone = progress killer. 

I enjoy pushing boundaries from time to time (not even the lofty or attention grabbing kind) and totally comfortable with being an unpopular rebel, non-conforming and unconventional. A kind of confidence I've grown into since my 20s. For that, I give thanks to my family background and upbringing. Without those precious growing up years, I would be way more sheltered and inherently complacent than I intend to be. 

So no, none of that people-pleasing work already. 

What actually brought me to this round up is the gradual lack of challenges. 

Time to rev the engines. I'm bored stiff. 

Small change, huge difference

It was some time last year that I decided I've too much clothes, too many pairs of shoes and heels and way too much accessories and bags. Then I started giving away some of the old stuff that I feel I haven't been using much but still in mint condition. They aren't cheap but are way under-utilised. 

This year, I decided to stop shopping. 

It takes lesser effort than I thought. I haven't even shopped online once this year. Hurrah me!

Consumerism is not gonna get me. 

RIP MH370

I've been reading and following the MH370 news so closely that I feel like I know all the people on board that ill fated flight. 

A lump formed in my throat when the news of its fatal crash broke moments ago. 

It felt like I've lost someone really close to me. Even if I've not. 

I've been avoiding speculation, hoping for a miracle. 

Life is too precious. Never go on a trip being mad at someone thinking you won't be when you come back. Because you may not make it back. 

Learn to forgo a trip if your loved ones need you around. You may not be there forever. 

My heart goes out to all the family members who lost a loved one in the recent crash. God be with you all. 

An act of crazy

Did something totally fun and completely off the racket yesterday. 

I signed up my girlfriend for MyPaper Executive 2014 cos she totally rocked all the criteria they're looking for - looks, style, wit, charisma and of course, high office quotient level. 

I'm betting on her to get short listed! 

Update: She totally got short listed. Yay!!! But she's not doing it. If being short listed is good enough for her, it's good enough for me. 

Favourite twins

Totally missing my favourite twins tonight. Back in those days when we were staying together, everyday was an adventure. I felt like I was living in a dollhouse with life sized dollies!

And look at how they've grown over the years. For some reason, I just feel super proud of them even though I didn't do anything much except by giving them all my sisterly love. 

So cute they make me so proud. Does it even make sense?

This photo on Instagram made me laughed. Too cute. 

          

Haven't seen baileys in forever! Every time we passed by pasir ris when we used to bring Chloe to the pets farm I was always so tempted to ask them along! But I never did cos just didn't know if they were even home. Guess we won't be going there anytime soon after Chloe passed away. 

            

What touched me most was how Rowena sneakily organised my 25th birthday and surprised me by gathering all my closest beloved high school & university friends! I love being surrounded by loved ones and she knows that. Of course she does.  

They're crazy fun and we were super tight. That's why they're still my favourite twins.

That's us. Toys r Us and all. Barefaced and youthful. 

These photos hardly ring a bell but I found them somewhere. And my crazy spunky hairdo! Growing up with them was really an adventure like I said! I think I must be the craziest ever-changing, ever-evolving sissy they never had. Hahaha. So much love! 

Aimee made up the fourth leg whom I miss equally dear! We didn't always get along but once we did, there were fireworks like you've never seen before!

         

Our swimming days before she officially got attached with her Prince Charming. 

          

           

Some time ago during one of our meetup. When life rocked just by us being there for each other. 

                  

           

I truly miss my Channy twins and Aimee dear.

Edit: I went home and digged for more pictures of our youth and found some photo albums! Not the kind you find on Facebook but the Kodak-moments, non-photoshopped kind. 

When Roxanne was just a ickle doll! She must be 15 yo at that time. We were celebrating the ex's 21st birthday aka their big brother. My hairdo was all sorts of funky. 

             

With my favourite pretty auntie. She was a second mom to me. We were really close and she treated me like one of her own kids. She was family. So were all of them. 

          

Too cute for words. Women of the house! 

               

Such good times, though short-lived, will always be etched in my eternal memory! :)