Letter to Mabel: I need to talk

I miss you so much, not in the sense you're sixth feet under and I miss you kinda way, but in a I need to talk and I choose to tell you because you'd understand and commiserate with me sorta way.

I miss calling you, hearing your voice and just knowing you're there makes me feel so much better. Everything else wouldn't matter, you being there was good enough.

I just wanted to talk. Not because I had anything important to say, but I just needed to rant my miserable self away and I choose you because you'll get it in a heartbeat.

I just wanted to say, my nipples hurt so much this time round from nursing Elijah because his latch is so shallow but his suckle is so strong. Stuff like that. Nothing important like I said. Just things I wanted you to know.

And I'm catching a flu, a sore throat, I think I got it from Beth. I don't know how it started but I've never had such high frequency of flu before. My immunity is so lousy.

I'm recovering so slowly and I'm impatient, but trying to be chill, because what else can I do right? See, stuff like this that I only share with you. Nothing important, just stuff that matters to me.

Now that I'm a mother of two, I'm so so tired. Fulfilling, but tired nonetheless. I'm not even asking for naps, because it's understandable I don't get them anymore since I chose to take care of two children on my own. I only wanted to rest for 10 minutes sometimes to recharge, or eat my lunch and dinner without interruption. It's so hard, I love what I'm doing but it's so hard without help. I just gotta wing it till I got it. I chose this myself, no help.

If you're here right now, you'd do a burly laugh then offer your sympathy which makes me feel a little better about myself. You'll support, encourage and cheer me up.

But you're not here anymore, and there's no one else to replace you. You'll always be my special angel. My greatest cheerleader.

All I have left are these hidden feelings.

Feelings of bliss, for making me a big sister to a little sister in you - though you're the unofficial big sister to me. I wish I was a better sister and I knew you'd agree with me. But I also know you've forgiven me a long time ago when you stepped up to be the best sister ever. I say this with fondness and truth.

More hidden feelings.

Feelings of anger - reason and person. Feelings of envy - others' siblings. Feelings of fear - my child dying.

Yet most of all, feelings of regret.

I'm tired, so very tired of missing you and wishing you were here.