Blues

How would you feel when, in the middle of recovering from a painfully long and slow stop-start labour, you ask your husband to check on your perineal stitches - so you go on all fours atop the bed with your derriere up in the air - and the room door suddenly opens, the visitor lingered and didn't think twice to leave the room even after seeing your naked bum...?

The awkwardness of not being able to jump off the bed made it worse because you're moving in slow-mo from the pain and your initial warnings to ward off the intruder didn't work, you got more flustered that the other visitors would read it as open invitation and strut right in. Horrifying thought.

Before I could unembarrass myself, said visitor and her family left angrily without seeing Elijah. I found out she was angry at me - what? - my initial warnings - or shouting - had offended her, she felt it was uncalled for, she had knocked so she felt totally justified for her behaviour, and later insisted I should have locked my own room door in my own house. She chose to ignore my call and did not accept any of my explanations over text. Rather, calling me a liar ("STOP LYING") and accusing me of being dishonest ("I just WANT HONESTY"). I quote her word for word, capital letters and all.

We were all shocked by her behaviour. I felt really bad for my mum who didn't had a clue but had to watch them leave angrily. My mum is so wonderful, she didn't even question me - she said she hadn't heard any big commotion in the room even though I thought I sounded pretty loud and flustered. I was basically screaming at the person coming into the room - had thought it was my mum informing us of visitors. I didn't want the visitors to misunderstand they could all come in - knowing them, I was so afraid of that happening! I couldn't believe it when I saw who was in my room. Shocked is an understatement.

Nick was cradling Elijah and moved - slowly as always - trying to block my naked bottom, Beth was on the bed with me. Our little family were all in there checking on Mummy's stitches - this fact somehow amuses me later on. Our room used to be our private space, or so I thought. As long as our room door is closed, my mum would never even think of coming in, so it was a bit strange and frightful that she'd come into our room that day. There is nothing my mum can't see, she is after all my mum. I just didn't want the visitors to follow my mum into our room unintentionally.

It was embarrassing. But said visitor didn't think so. She went on to be sarcastic, challenging my supposed modesty - I support breastfeeding in public and do so discreetly and tactfully but exposing the rest of my body just isn't the same.

I wasn't upset in the beginning, just baffled at her reaction and behaviour. I apologised, offered my explanation and tried to close the gap on our differences - none were accepted, she chewed me out completely and then complained this isn't the first time I was rude to them.

There is no form of empathy, nor understanding going on here. She clearly made it about her, when this moment should be about Elijah and me. I was pregnant and then I gave birth, I wouldn't want to be rude at all, I was conserving my energy for myself, I had no interest nor energy to be rude to anyone. If I was, it was all unintended obviously. If I was rude, it was to safeguard myself, my energy and my emotions. If only she understood.

This negavitity has been manifesting for over two weeks since the unpleasant incident. Not fun for someone going through postpartum. All these big feelings are messing with me. I do need to let it go and focus on my little family, they are all that matters. I am not responsible for how she feels.

Initially I didn't think like that, I felt bad for causing all that unhappiness and even apologised to Nick for possibly souring his relationship with his cousin (said visitor's husband) and also to my mum for having witnessed such unnecessary drama.

I do need to be better to myself. I am only responsible for the words that came out of my mouth and my own actions.

Having big hormones does mean that I can go from a Mummy's high one minute, and super low in the next moment. I can't be too cautious of my thoughts. I had experienced a brief moment of postnatal blues in my last postpartum and I'll never forget that awful low feeling. Any mummies are susceptible to it, no matter the personality and lifestyle. It just hits you.

This is why I feel the need to talk about it, and not let it overwhelm me. This kind of drama is the last thing I need during this period. Birthing Elijah was hard work - Nick told me my chest veins were all popping out from pushing, it was intense. I am super proud of myself and my birth support team. Am letting that sink in for a bit.

This visitor was someone I respected so I couldn't just ignore it at first. It has been two weeks and I don't know if she still hold a grudge against me, but I've decided to let it be and let God work it through. I've said my prayers, made my peace and hope for the best.

Reading my post, you might think I had a verbal altercation. It wasn't even like that. I found out all the details through text messages, Nick's texts to her specifically. I can't imagine if it was an aggressive confrontation, what will it do to my mental health?

Praying for the rest of my postpartum period to be as uneventful as possible.