A letter to Mabel: Motherhood

Mummy is helping me with confinement and we briefly talked about what you'd be like as a mother - noting in my head how you had asked a gazillion questions about pregnancy and breastfeeding while you were still alive.

Grieving is such a lonely process, even though I have Mummy and Nick to talk to, there are still some things I can't talk about with either of them.

Maybe you thought we'll eventually move on or deal with your loss positively, but it's not true, not for long anyway. Especially not for Mummy.

Happiness is temporary, pain is forever.

If I was sure about one thing in life, it'd be that I've always known I'd be a mother, and you too. Or so I thought.

I had thought we'll be mothers together, nurturing our children, giving them chances to be close friends.

After you passed, I figured one way I can give my children a better childhood is by giving them more playmates. We never expected my second labour to be long and slow, it was a bummer - we really want more children to follow. It was dampening. Anything can, and will happen in childbirth I guess. Not taking my female health for granted.

Life with two is not easy, especially when managing on my own. But with babies, everything is just a phase. I'm incredibly thankful for Mummy, she is such a wonderful grandma and so supportive. I won't be able to handle this confinement without her help at all. Love Mummy to bits.

I have too many thoughts and not enough time to pen it down - maybe later. Love you mei.