Punctured wound

I think of you all the time mei, whenever I'm sad and whenever I'm not. You've become a part of my new state of mind - I don't know what to call it yet. I've always been a whiny sis especially when I'm hurt. If you're still around, you'll know how to comfort me. I miss having you fussing over me :'(

I miss those times when you sponge me during my fever and took care of me when I was going through a rough breakup. You mothered me and showed me what a great mother you'd someday make.

My heart is torn, punctured by your demise. Like the wound on my palm...
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💔

No relief

It's been a month since my sis' suicide. There's little relief from knowing the truth. Time will never heal my wound, only in death and finally reuniting with her in our Heavenly kingdom when our Father has called me home, will my wound truly heal. It sounds hopeless but it is also true. I just have to live with that.

They say the truth will set you free, but sometimes it hurts. It hurts so much you forgot how to live, to breath, to function. I've never stopped thinking of her, and I don't really want to. I need to feel as if she's still here, in my memories, through my reminiscing. I'm not ready to move on, to let go. I'm taking my time, bidding goodbye, saying I love yous, too many missed opportunities of hugging her (because she hates to be touched or hugged affectionately).

Mummy seems to be at peace with the knowledge you're gone, mei. From what I can glean from facebook. Maybe that's the only relief I have. But sometimes I'm not so sure if it's really so, or is she trying to put up a brave front for friends and relatives who are concerned about her. Knowing mummy, I feel it's a mixture of both. I see sadness in her eyes sometimes when she's watching me and Beth, I know she misses you and wishes to see you play with Beth again.

Papa as usual is still annoying as always, and I wish you're still around to share the inside jokes with. All our family jokes, gone with the wind, just like you. But I know you can't stand him and is happier where you are :)

One day, you're gonna tell me exactly what happened and I'm going to be there for you this time. Or perhaps, it wouldn't have mattered by the time my business is done here on earth and we'd have eternity to catch up.

For now, I have a family to run and some babies to make. We're expanding our family and I do still wish you're around to contribute cousins for your niece and future nieces and nephews but it's okay, Jie will help you fill the gaps in our lives because you deserve only the very best effort from all of us.

Love you always mei mei xoxo

Therapy with Nick

I haven't been entirely clear when I say I'm in therapy for grief and loss. Truth is, the differences between Nick and I got even more apparent during my grieving process, and finally decided to rear it's ugly head once and for all.

I don't really know what to blame on except that it's a personality related differences. In the time I've known him, I've embraced and accepted many of his flaws, just as I have accepted and loved him.

This time around, the love I had for him wasn't enough. I needed more, I really really do. I am vulnerable and wasn't going to act tough about it. I needed loving, I needed him to be the gracious one. I didn't need fixing, which was what he was good at. I needed a compassionate husband who was supportive and sensitive. All of which he wasn't, because personality.

The first session was very productive. The counsellor wanted to know what were the qualities that draw us to each other. Easy. Honesty, faithfulness and God-loving. These were the 3 traits I consistently prayed for in my future partner, and I got it when I met Nick.

Apparently, apart from looks, Nick fell for my character. To be more specific, he actually named my decision making skills as a top quality. Something I didn't know contributed so much to my indispensability. Again, personality. We are as different as day and night.

I thought it was very sweet when he gave examples. I liked how he explained it "She could help me analyse and break it down for me into very easily digestible ideas that I could just implement and run with it." Not his exact words but it is what I hear.

At one point, it was my turn to air grievances and I specifically said Nick needs to be more sensitive to my feelings yet he can't help himself when he feels a need to cut me down with his words, to just call me out on it. To add on, if there's nothing nice to say, he could have just kept quiet. If there's a need to say it, it should at least be constructive.

I honestly thought that was it. Until the counsellor wisely reminded me of the traits I saw in Nick; Honesty.

Wow. All this time it was staring at me in my face.

It was a huge revelation. I felt like a hypocrite.

My takeaway: We are trying to cut out some brutish words we both dislike from my vocabulary. Namely replacing it with Oh Dear, Oh Gosh, good old British words instead of well, you know, the more expressive versions that starts with F and S.

His takeaway: No more labelling me as stupid/dumb. No more passive aggressive unloving expressions like "你在等什么?". Nick was justifying his use of the words by saying he meant them when he uses it because he's using it consciously and sparingly. Insert roll eyes please. 

Instead, our counsellor taught him to break the momentum if he's so angry he feels the need to say it, and reminded him what Jesus would have done, would He have called us stupid/dumb? Her method was to cut through the quarrel by projecting or repeating a phrase such as "Jesus loves you!" Well, they say fight hatred with love and smother your enemies in them. Love always conquer. I have yet to see love fail so I have to agree with the counsellor on this.

Counselling can only take us this far, the rest is still up to us to make it work. The counsellor noted we've a strong foundation which we both know to be true, the only reason we needed help and didn't mind sharing with outsiders can only be because we both want the same thing: Our marriage to be unbreakable and indestructible.

We don't wait for things to turn rocky before we save a marriage, we do it while it's still strong and firm. An intact vase can take a few knocks, but a cracked one can hardly withstand a breath of wind. This is my philosophy for many things in life, we don't wait for the worst to happen before we deal with something.

This form of therapy is my kinda project for dealing with grief and loss. This is what works for me.

Grief

I was 19 when I grieved the first time for my beloved gramps. According to my mum who was by her side when she drew her last breath, she passed away peacefully. I didn't get to see her for the last time and only knew through a phonecall with my mum late at night. I was getting ready for bed when I received the call. I couldn't sleep after that but I remembered I was so tired I cried myself to sleep.

The funeral was a blur. Both my mum and sis were distraught, and blamed themselves for not being more filial or spend more time with her. I remembered consoling my mum with words I didn't know I had to make her feel better, to take away her guilt. I hugged my sis when she broke down infront of me and cried sorrowfully into my arms. You see, my gramps had dementia and it wasn't easy living with her. In fact, the gramps I dearly loved was already consumed by advanced stages of dementia and was a shell of whom I used to know.

I saw her a couple of days before her passing, interacted and chatted with her affectionately, never once did it cross my mind that'd be the last time I'd see her. A good buddy of mine knew about my situation and advised me to be strong for my family. I knew I had to and suppressed my grief. It was the worst thing I did for myself. Strangely, I was able to hold myself together until the very last day where I nearly fainted from exhaustion. Even more strange was that I had no outward signs of grief eg self blame, anger, denial, not even sadness. I don't recall feeling anything else after the initial shock and tears.

It was year 2003 and I was in Poly, ironically, my gramps passed away on my mum's birthday, 26 December. We visited her again when we collected Mabel's ashes. 15 years on, I'm still grieving for my gramps. I still cry fresh tears as if she had just passed away not too long ago. Suppressing my grief back then, in order to be strong for my family, was the worst thing I could do for myself. I never truly moved on, and till now, I am still circling through the cycle of grief (Denial > Anger > Sadness > Bargaining > Acceptance).

News of Mabel's death knocked the wind out of me. I remember feeling numbed when I first got the news, and an emptiness where my heart used to be, has been replaced by a huge rock, which sank to my stomach. That dreadful heaviness in the pit of my stomach is so unbearable that it manifested into stomach pains. Whenever I think of my sis, that heavy stone in my stomach appears. I suspect it'll never truly go away.

I allowed myself to grief. I didn't hold back this time, I grieved with everything I've got. It was a culmination of things. My gramps, and my sis, both worth their weight in gold to me. Both gone now. Their loss rang so loud i couldn't hear anything else, it drowned out everything around me. I neglected Beth, my beautiful daughter. I neglected Nick, my lovely husband. I neglected my health.

This body of mine is more hardy than I know. Despite the abuses it has endured, it is still working and functioning well. Grief has taught me to be sensitive to others, to be tactful and compassionate. It is a painful and extremely harsh learning experience. Sometimes that's what it takes to grow up and mature. I lost my favourite gramps and an only sister, but in return I've gained so much more wisdom, love and kindness from the people around me.

All hope is not lost. I know I am blessed, not because of who I am, but because of who He is. I'll keep praying for the salvation of those I love and I know it isn't really goodbye if we will reunite again in Heaven.

爱吃鱼的猫

In my lucid moments penning this.

Mei, Jie Jie know why you are doing this. Why you had to go, leaving behind the people you love most. I understand and don't blame you. We have forgiven Ronald who blames himself for your death.

Be it due to relationship woes or your depressive state of mind, or any other personal reasons that's beyond me, I just want to say I love you. I love you too much and can't bear to see you unhappy for so long. Thank you for leaving beautiful memories behind :)

You are such a selfless girl that I'm speechless by your final act; even in death you carried your pain and kept it all to yourself, not leaving us a single clue as to what happened. You are my best sister. My only comfort is there's no pain in heaven, where I'm sure you'll be :)

Some of your friends reach out to me seeking the same kind of answers to help them cope with their own emotions. Many lost their sleep and wet their pillows with tears.

Cousins are all gathered together. Linnet was the most distraught, she was going to ask you to be her bridesmaid. She couldn't stop crying since. Thankful for our childhood memories of you that we were able to reminisce funny and silly things we used to do together, especially yours.

Mummy is coping well so far even though I will never understand her pain of losing her favourite beloved sweet sweet baby girl :( But I try daily to talk to her and be the 'replacement' daughter you'd want me to be (only you will know what I mean if you're still around). Beth Beth is a good distraction :) 

Beth is still too young to understand sadness. She giggles hysterically whenever she saw me crying, thinking I'm playing with her by making distorted and twisted faces. You'll definitely find it funny if you're around! I cannot cry in peace when I'm around her because she makes me 哭笑不得.

Ronald blames himself too much. Years of neglect and time wasted avoiding issues does that :( He still believe you guys could have worked things out. Well, whatever happened between you two, I'm sure you had done your best and Jie is so proud of you. You're ever thoughtful and considerate, selfless and fiercely protective.

Papa blames himself too. He's filled with much regret. I don't exactly know why you detest him so much but we respected you and did not force your will.

You have always been my greatest confidante and secret keeper. But yet, you didn't confide in me problems that I could have helped you with in the months leading up to your demise :( I know it's because you did not want to worry us. My regret is not being able to bear your pain together. If only you had reached out to me, you could have been saved.

Seeing you lying on that bed when we found you, I went numbed with grief. It shouldn't have been like that. I'm still unable to accept your loss but I respect your decision, because I love you too much to see you suffer from disappointment after disappointment.  

Nick consoled me like you had instructed in your will. He said we can make something good come out of it :) It's the first positive thought in my head and it sticks! We'll find our way out of this dark period. 

I know you are definitely at peace now and it makes me feel a little better. In your death, you looked serene and more beautiful than I've ever imagined. My children, your niece and future nieces & nephews will be raised to know you like you'd liked to be remembered - the awesome 姨姨 they've never met. 

I will definitely fulfill your wish mei :) Every step I take, every breath I make, every holiday I go on, and at every milestone, I'll do it through your memories. I'll relish my cold storage sushi, peppermint green tea, erdinger dark, and many of your favourite foods we used to share together.

Mei, I honour you and I miss you dearly. We'll visit the places you wish to go and see it through your eyes again :) We love you :,)

Till we meet again x 

The 'big secret'

I made a post about a secret I had last year and completely forgotten about it. I had been blogging in another space and totally neglected my original blog. So here I am paying my due diligence.

No drum rolls becos everyone knows by now that I'm pregnant. I'm almost entering my last trimester and the belly is growing bigger than ever. It's not big by most people's standards but I've never carried such a huge belly and so it's a big deal.

Just when you think you've settled into a comfortable routine of pregnancy, your hormones can and will change. I'm experiencing what some mothers go through - sleepless nights. I sleep up to ten hours at a stretch easily but not at night. I'm tired but I can't sleep. This is why I blog.

I still blog every other day, just not over here. I've often blogged about my personal life becos I regard it as a kind of diary for memories' sake. I love blogging whenever I'm happy, sad or confused. It helps me to process my feelings. I've so many outlets for internalising my thoughts and I love it.

People are visual creatures, I try to put up pictures whenever I can, they do tell a thousand tales. I'm limited by my phone's blogging capabilities and outdated apps that isn't compatible with my current iOS so pictures are gonna be scarce for now. Still waiting for them to upgrade the app to complement iOS 10.

Till that is fixed, I'll only be blogging without pictures.

A secret

I am so excited I can't sleep! When I try to sleep, I'm smiling with my eyes closed. 

I can't wait to break the news! It's gonna be epic! And those I let in on my little secret are so so excited about it. 

*hand over mouth like a little girl*

Bird types

Recently at work, the topic seems to revolve around certain personality type tests. Due to the nature of insurance, we have to be adaptable and often that means being malleable to adopt different communication style to engage people.

Of course, likeness will always attract likeness. I'm pretty much an eagle (peacock is a close second) and dominant type and the people I work with are usually similar or directly opposite of my traits (dove). I've my favourite type of clients that I love working with as it complement my core traits, but that's rare. 

We love playing "guess what is his/her personality bird type" in my team, it's usually very self explanatory what everybody really thinks of each other. 

Friends might be surprised but I always, and I mean ALWAYS, get 'owl' or 'conscientious' for those who get the DiSC test better. It means the same thing. The second consensus shocked me: It's followed by 'dove'. 

I get why colleagues think I'm an owl, since I work a lot and spare no efforts in poring through minute details of every planning process for client. My desk is neat and organised, but well stocked. I can get very intense (eagle) and detailed (owl) about things that matters. I might seem idealistic and want things done properly. I am eager to impart little nuggets of wisdom to the newbies (owl). 

Which brings me to the next point on why I started this post. A sweet new colleague was sharing with me about her past experiences before she joined us and mentioned how I was used as an example to help her gain new insights.

"Boss said 'Every strong and tough person often comes with a story. Michelle is very tough and prideful because of her past but she's slowly changing. She's tough on you guys but she really cares. That's her way of showing her love. She cares for the people around her and she shows it through tough love.' And that's why I think you're feisty but caring."

Aww I melted into a puddle right there and then. Now I know why people think I'm fierce (when I feel like it's a natural part of me). Eh, it's just tough love. Ok? :)

I digress on purpose. But in fact, I'm not an owl. My owl and dove are concluded with super low single digits on the scale. I wish I am an owl though. Owls and Eagles make such a powerful combination. Owls type have awesome traits that I wish I have. 

On what others think of me as a dove... Eagle and dove are clashing elements in the bird personality test. It's like saying you're freezing but don't want to wear clothes. Basically that's what it means to have clashing behaviours right?

I realised my dove surface whenever I intentionally take the time to fully comprehend certain issues before passing my opinion. And being patient enough to repeat reminders, run through work processes while stalling my own work, being understanding and generally submissive even though I'm headstrong in my beliefs. Yes I suppose it clashes.

It's all me. And I'm all parts of a bird if you will.

Hardly mentioned peacock; everybody got it right. Zero debates about that. As a proud peacock would tell you, being presentable is not just important, it's an art.

Indeed it shows through my dressing and social behaviours.

Virus attack

Trying my best to get better so I don't miss out on my social calendar. What are these viruses made of anyway?! They're indestructible. Doctor said to let my immune system fight the virus; we just got to ride it out. 

It seems I merely caught a common cold. Started with a scratchy throat and congested nose. I know it's a matter of time that I'm all recovered. 

Be patient and disciplined, that's all I need to do. 

My only motivation is food: Can't wait to munch on durians when I'm better! 

Religion and its consequences

There are so many religions in the world yet increasingly more people are identifying as nonreligious. I pondered upon the effects of such an affiliation. Too educated? Too many insensitive bigots? Etc

I never actually considered myself to be in a religion. I see myself as having a relationship with God. My God is all about Love, He's merciful, compassionate, kind yet bold. I talk to my God all the time, and they don't always make sense. But God knows. He does. Because He is my God. Morally, I don't identify myself as a Christian, because it boxes up what it is all about. I am also not all that spiritual. Theoretically speaking, of course I am a Christian. But that's about it. Using religion as a form to categorise my belief and faith is too one-dimensional. 

I tend to blog whenever I'm upset (in the past) and happy (generally these days). Today is one of the former.

As much as I am not judgemental in my dealings with others, it's not quite the same as how I'd like to be treated. I don't judge someone who doesn't work and spend all her time in her room watching and rewatching shows day in and out. I don't judge because I'm not in her position. I do however remind her of the consequences. I am indifferent to her situation simply because it doesn't bother me that she's not a useful member of the society (she has to answer to her own morals and values in life later on, not me). I am quite simply, tolerant. I don't care for much to be honest. Few things bother me. 

I digress. That is not even what I wanted to talk about. But it was a nice warm up for sure.

Mainly, I get very agitated whenever Nick shoots down my latest reads or social movement because (though he doesn't say it), it is simply not religious enough for him. He reads the bible everyday, on top of that, he reads news regarding Christianity and even enjoy watching Christian films. It's all good. Until of course, he crosses the line and literally tells me not to read my Quora (doesn't give me any reasons) and only said "it's weird and talks about religions."

OMG. Bigoted, narrow minded and one tracked minded much?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Yeah thats the kind of Christian I really despised. I also despises a Christian who judges others' religions because that's the worst kind of person one can be. I truly believe there's only one God, and others having their own beliefs in other Gods or idols doesn't bother me. They have to deal with God at a later time. Till then, I always believe the way through another person's heart is not to be judgemental (duh!) but to have love, understanding and tolerance for other's beliefs. How else do you get through to someone whom you genuinely wants to help? Surely, being judgemental is the one way ticket to NOPE. (Sorry only I get to berate my own husband that way because I am entitled to)

Shaking my head writing this because as a God-loving person, you are taught not to judge. But everyday I am judged by the same people who read the same bible and call the same God their God. 

Realising this post can be quite contradicting and hypocritical because as a human being, I am capable of being judgemental, yet I said I'm not (I used to say things like "Oh I judge you!" in jest but suppose there's a splice of truth in my responses). But this post is not about who I am and I only wanted to make a point.

Bintan Agency Getaway

On a regular Monday morning, we found ourselves amidst the swanky Swiss Belhotel at Lagoi Bay for our mid year review. It was a short ride away from the Crystal Lagoon at Treasure Bay that Alina & Ethan came back raving about. 

This was probably the most fun filled work retreat ever. Best part was coming back all rejuvenated and ready to go! Exactly what I needed. I reckon I hadn't been so happy and free spirited, cheeky even, in a long time. Bonding with my team and the newbies over meal times, BBQ night, water sports, our personal private card games night and pool party has never been more fun. Although I did mention it's a mid year review, truth was, it's a play and leisure trip. 




They say workplace is like our second home since we spend half our time in our jobs. When work and passion blurs the line, it hardly feels like work at all. Working with a great bunch of motivated people, with good heart, and head on their shoulder fills me up with pride.  




Ever since I started this job, I never actually felt like I was really working. Self employment wasn't an option until it became the option. I didn't regret going on this trip, and now I'll let the pictures do all the talking. 

What did I tell you? We sure had fun! Gotten myself a nice tan, with a nasty sunburn. Probably the nastiest I've ever had. Nick was very chiding of my terrible sunburn, "cancer" he said. I promised to repent for my sins. Weather was really good, though there were some 'vampires' who couldn't stand the sun. Pity couldn't upload videos on my mobile app, which were hilarious. Anyhoo. Till next time! Toodles xx