爱吃鱼的猫

In my lucid moments penning this.

Mei, Jie Jie know why you are doing this. Why you had to go, leaving behind the people you love most. I understand and don't blame you. We have forgiven Ronald who blames himself for your death.

Be it due to relationship woes or your depressive state of mind, or any other personal reasons that's beyond me, I just want to say I love you. I love you too much and can't bear to see you unhappy for so long. Thank you for leaving beautiful memories behind :)

You are such a selfless girl that I'm speechless by your final act; even in death you carried your pain and kept it all to yourself, not leaving us a single clue as to what happened. You are my best sister. My only comfort is there's no pain in heaven, where I'm sure you'll be :)

Some of your friends reach out to me seeking the same kind of answers to help them cope with their own emotions. Many lost their sleep and wet their pillows with tears.

Cousins are all gathered together. Linnet was the most distraught, she was going to ask you to be her bridesmaid. She couldn't stop crying since. Thankful for our childhood memories of you that we were able to reminisce funny and silly things we used to do together, especially yours.

Mummy is coping well so far even though I will never understand her pain of losing her favourite beloved sweet sweet baby girl :( But I try daily to talk to her and be the 'replacement' daughter you'd want me to be (only you will know what I mean if you're still around). Beth Beth is a good distraction :) 

Beth is still too young to understand sadness. She giggles hysterically whenever she saw me crying, thinking I'm playing with her by making distorted and twisted faces. You'll definitely find it funny if you're around! I cannot cry in peace when I'm around her because she makes me 哭笑不得.

Ronald blames himself too much. Years of neglect and time wasted avoiding issues does that :( He still believe you guys could have worked things out. Well, whatever happened between you two, I'm sure you had done your best and Jie is so proud of you. You're ever thoughtful and considerate, selfless and fiercely protective.

Papa blames himself too. He's filled with much regret. I don't exactly know why you detest him so much but we respected you and did not force your will.

You have always been my greatest confidante and secret keeper. But yet, you didn't confide in me problems that I could have helped you with in the months leading up to your demise :( I know it's because you did not want to worry us. My regret is not being able to bear your pain together. If only you had reached out to me, you could have been saved.

Seeing you lying on that bed when we found you, I went numbed with grief. It shouldn't have been like that. I'm still unable to accept your loss but I respect your decision, because I love you too much to see you suffer from disappointment after disappointment.  

Nick consoled me like you had instructed in your will. He said we can make something good come out of it :) It's the first positive thought in my head and it sticks! We'll find our way out of this dark period. 

I know you are definitely at peace now and it makes me feel a little better. In your death, you looked serene and more beautiful than I've ever imagined. My children, your niece and future nieces & nephews will be raised to know you like you'd liked to be remembered - the awesome 姨姨 they've never met. 

I will definitely fulfill your wish mei :) Every step I take, every breath I make, every holiday I go on, and at every milestone, I'll do it through your memories. I'll relish my cold storage sushi, peppermint green tea, erdinger dark, and many of your favourite foods we used to share together.

Mei, I honour you and I miss you dearly. We'll visit the places you wish to go and see it through your eyes again :) We love you :,)

Till we meet again x